Letting it out...

It's been a pretty stressful month, but also very eventful and fun. Take home exams, parties, research papers... It seems like i never have any time to relax. Only thing is, all i DO is relax. I've been procrastinating like a mofo and i need to stop. This week is crucial and i can't been to concentrate because of last weekend's activities. So i'm going to put an end to the blogging hiatus i've been having cuz i need to let out all these thoughts that have been floating/storming around in my head! 

First of all, about the Danish DJ. 

He's really something that started out as a pet project with only one possible outcome. And that happened. As usual, i got what i wanted. But somehow it feels like something is missing. And what's missing is any kind of contact from him. it's been 4,5 days already and no contact whatsoever, and worst of all, when he SAW me yesterday he made no effort whatsoever to come and talk to me. And yesterday was horrible for me because of something that HE provoked! So seeing him wasn't what i wanted. I'm itching to send him a scathing email or text but i'm retaining myself because i know that he's not even worth it. I never expect much from guys like that, guys who i only want one thing from. But the least one can do is to send a follow-up call or something. I guess i'm so annoyed because i thought he was somewhat different. Oh well. No point getting my knickers in a knot for him (if i ever find the ones i left at his place!) 

And then the French guy 

Now i thought it was too good to be true how sweet and affectionate he was. Barely any contact, and whatever little there was was initiated by me. So I guess I shouldn't have any hopes for him either. It's a pity cause i thought he had potential... Oh well. I suppose I'm all conflicted in my head with these two guys because they both disappointed me one way or another and i feel that it's unfair. 

But i really shouldn't let this affect my concentration. I'm here for one thing and one thing only. To succeed in my masters. I can't let them prevent me from doing that. 

Wow that feels better :) Its' always nice to put things in black and white. Makes it easier to understand and sort things out. 

And now to do some actual work. 

The booty call!

Now i know i said i'm not going to write on this blog any more. But this particular anecdote cannot be left unsaid.

It was a typical Monday. I was bored and tired of the week already! I was wondering what I could do to entertain myself without going out. And then it came to me. What about a late night booty call? I knew just the person. He lived in the same appartment, just a few floors below me (how appropriate). So I send off a subtly clear text saying "i'd lost my 'umbrella' and would like to know if he had it" wink wink! Now when it comes to booty calls, I usually go for those that I've already tested, and the last time I tested this one, he had come to return my umbrella that he had borrowed earlier on. Hence the metaphore. Unfortunaly, depite having a very pretty face to cover it, his head seems to lack some filling. And he replies saying he's looked for my umbrella everywhere but can't seem to find it, maybe i should buy a new one!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Now, when I wanted entertainment tonight, this wasn't what I was expecting, but I was entertained alright! I was laughing non stop for quite a while!!!! Poor pretty boy!

So I sent him a message making my intentions very clear! And lo and behold the little idiot replies saying he's "not in a position to fulfill my wishes right now, but he is more than willing to provide another 'umbrella' to take his place!"!!!! The NERVE!!! Not only is he dumb, he actually tried to pimp his friends to me. Oh well, at least I know that I bumped his ego down a few notches by making fun of his little misunderstanding! Obviously his suggestion deserves no response. I only ask for umbrellas that I've already opened up, and know will perform satisfactorily.

So that's the story of my booty call incident!

C'est tout!

FIN

My last 2 weeks in Sri Lanka just FLEW by! So many things happening, driving around a lot, meeting people, having a blast. Met up with a lot of friends, also managed to get some boy time too. Safari was a perfect fling! He was all about the giving, plus the conversation was great too. We have a similar view on relationships... My last night out was crazy, met up with Peugeot, and it was the perfect end to our 2 month fling. The last few days i spent with my family, going around visiting relatives, and just chilling. Thus, my year in Sri Lanka came to an end.

And now, here i am in the land of the lion. It's been more about 9 days and it's been a very eventful 9 days. But things are slowly falling into place. Meeting a lot of people, but noone who really stuck. I thought that this french guy i hung out a lot for a few days will stick, a singapore version of my friend Ali back in france, but i guess not. I'm really excited to start classes, but somehow tonight i feel a bit down. Probably because it's been a tiring couple of days, with a lot to process, lot to do. Also trying to find my place in this new city/country. It's always a challenge, and that's exactly what i like about travelling, discovering new places, new people. I'm very positive about this coming year, but i guess i'm allowed to have my low points too right?

Anyway, i feel like this blog has come to an end. It's about my life, but somehow it feels like it's Ma vie à moi au Sri Lanka... and not here in Singapore. I can't decide yet whether i'll blog about this experience or not, but i'm pretty sure that this one needs to end.

It's been very cathartic writing this blog, whether it's been read or not. When i go through the posts this past 10 months, I realise that writing this blog is one of the ways that i've been able to come to this place i'm at right now, where i know who i am, and what i want with myself, and my life. So this space has more than served it's purpose, not that it had one to start with...

Good bye blog. I'll be coming back to you when i want a laugh and reflect about my dramatic (when is my life NOT dramatic) 'gap' year in Sri Lanka.

Adieu

Oh what a week!

Conpared to the totally boring and uneventful week the week before, this week was CRAZY eventful! One thing i realised this week is that i am starting to get attached to Peugeot. He came back into town on monday morning, and i met up with him monday night. It was so great and comfortable. And although i still think that we're headed to friend-dom, the chemistry is still dynamic between us. Then on tuesday it was time for some Français, at the Bastille day reception. Sexy text aka Safari also got back on monday and had sent me a text on monday night, and although sexy talk with him was still just as fun, i was a bit dissapointed when the talking stopped. Obviously the smooth talking is a way to trying to make up for something. I had also met Spanish lover on tuesday although he left early, which was perfect since he didn't see me leaving with Sexy text (although he HAD noticed something between us). We had made plans for a 'language exchange' for thursday, so i met up for dinner with him at what i now think is the best italian restaurant in town. Afterwards, we exchanged something which had nothing to do with language. He was sweet, and he was so very obviously smitten, it was nice to have someone look at me with goo goo eyes. Being with the three boys one after another made me affirm that i have developed VERY good taste in the kind of person i get attracted to. It also made me realise that i am, despite myself, attached or actually smitten with Peugeot. The irony of it is that he's the one who's most unavailable of the three (from what he has told me). Perhaps it's my inner masochist who has lead me to it. Perhaps it's the fact that i've been 'seeing' him for almost 2 months now. Perhaps it's the fact that i know it will not go beyond the next few days that makes me want more... Whatever the reason, it is, what it is. I am attached. I was with 2 really awesome guys, and I thought of Peugeot (although i DID enjoy my time with them nonetheless!). Oh well, all i can do is try and spend some more time with him next week. Oh god! I'm going to miss him! Not good! Oh well, i'll live. I'm attached but i don't think i could use the L word, any of 'em, with him. But even attached is too much.

On a different but related subject, I hope my quest of having as much 'fun' as possible won't cause any issues, especially with the juggling of three guys at the same time, two of whom know eachother. I just have 10 days more. That's not enough time for things to get messy.

Till then I'm just going to enjoy the attention. But I'll give priority to Peugeot...

Other than the undesired attachment, i'm having a really good time, and life is amazing and beautiful!!

A bientôt

Boys Boys Boys!!!

Not boys. Men really. But when they take off the tie and the cuff links, all that they are, are boys! And I love these Man/Boys. I am desperately attracted to them. They are all successful in whichever field they might be in. They are smart. They are charming. They are sexy in their own way. They are all funny and FUN! And best of all, they know how to balance the man and the boy in themselves!!!

I can't say this has always been the kind I liked. But during the past 12 months, as i have enjoyed this particular kind more and more, i've gotten a taste for it. And now I feel like it's ingrained in me. My type was always the good-looking, classy boys. But boys nonetheless. Now i've toned down on the looks and gone up in the class and age qoutient.

It's funny how taste changes with time. I feel like I'm growing up. And therefore I feel like I need someone who's grown up. But at the same time NOT. Just to keep the right balance. It's all about me. As I grow older, the classier I want my men, I can't even handle cheap knockoffs even for a fling. I feel repulsed by immaturity despite the beautiful box it comes in. I am like a bee to the sweet honey of a ripe rich respectable MAN!

I sound like a gold-digger. But I don't like them for the money. I like them for the personality that money gives them. Then again, I don't like the overly spoilt brats either. I want my men with just the right balance. Lucky for me, there are quite a few who don't tip the scales.

Right now, it feels like what I'm looking for is comfort. Someone in who's arms I'll feel safe and secure and comfortable. And Peugeot gives that to me. Despite everything, I'm going to miss cuddling with him, getting tickled by him till I can't breath, just talking about random shit with him... It was never anything serious. It was never the openness that I had with the Devil. It was never the pure carnal fire that raged between me and the devil. It's enough. It's good. It's comfortable. And it's over in 3 weeks. But till then, I hope to get some more comfort hours.

But I can't wait till Safari comes back. Now THAT i think will be some crazy ass FUN! And then there's the Spanish lover I met this weekend. I hope to learn spanish the FUN way with him!! Then there's the poor brainless Marine with the big guns. If I don't have anything else to do, I might see how he turns out to be.

Ahh the boys... gotta enjoy them! What else is a young girl supposed to do?

A bientôt

La vie est belle!

Every day i wake up, i'm one day closer to leaving. One day closer to starting a whole new chapter of my life, one day closer to my goals, one day closer to starting all over again in a new place!

It's been a few weeks since i've written anything on this blog, and i realise that this is because things have either being very slow, or very good and which I didn't particularly want to write about.

I've been happy these past couple of weeks. I finally got over the dry spell, and it was awesome! Although it's been difficult to meet with the Peugeot guy I haven't been fretting about it. Instead I've been going out and meeting new people. I think there's a new prospect in the horizon... Let's call him the Safari guy. We shall see how it goes. I am a lady with a plan these days. My plan is to have as much fun as possible before i leave. I'm young, I'm smart, I'm reasonably atttractive, I'm leaving soon and I've got a few very interesting guys lined up before me. I have nothing to lose (except maybe some time) and everything to gain (a lot of fun!).

As for Uni, i'm not thinking about it too much. I shall see when i get there. I want to make the best of these last few weeks which might possibly be my last entirely responsibility free period. After my Master i'll have to start working, looking at Phd options etc etc etc...

Also, I hate regretting not doing certain things. And this year, I've been keeping myself in check far too often. It was actually for the best because I've avoided quite a few difficult situations. At the same time, I feel like I haven't really been ME. But ever since I met Peugeot, i feel like i'm finally happy about being me. Probably it's just a coincidence that he turned up at that particular time, but he did and it's perfect. What I've noticed is that both the guys have serious professional sides but still manage to have and be FUN! With Peugeot, I see how hard it is to run a successful business AND have time for fun, but he still seems to balance it because of his easy-going personality. I'm learning from him, that the key to the balance is in your attitude.

Writing this, I'm reminded how content I am. I've been striving a whole year to some to this, and I'm so grateful that i'm finally here.

Life is beautiful!

A bientôt

Easy...

I really like things that are just simple, easy and straightforward. I really like guys who are like that too. Although by simple, i don't mean stupid, and by easy, i don't mean man-whores. It's been a while since i met someone like this. And it's so very refreshing to do so... And since he's technically Australian, I wouldn't be breaking one of my long standing trends... How perfect is life. I get the perfect guy for this time in my life. He's like a shot of very expensive vodka. Goes down smooth, get's you intoxicated, yet doesn't give you a bad hangover :) *sigh* Happy. Gosh i'm so easy to please! 

A bientôt

Paranoid.

I didn't realize the extent to which i am capable to be paranoid till this morning. So guy sends me a text while i was driving, asking me to call him when i'm free. IMMEDIATELY blood starts pumping to my brain, the wheels start turning and I come up with theories as to why he wants to talk to me at 9.30am! A few of which were that he found out something that might make him not want to see me again. Then there was the 'i already have a girlfriend, sorry i didn't tell you before'. There were a few more which I can't remember now. Anyhow, I got out for a few minutes, and took that time to call the guy. Line was busy; my brain went into hyperdrive! As the smart and informed driver I was, i drove down a one way road, and ended up crossing a busy junction completely disregarding the traffic lights! I was SHIT SCARED! So I stopped by the side of the road to regain my breath, and called the guy. Unfortunately he was really busy, kept getting calls, people coming to talk to him etc etc. Obviously i was baffled by why he wud want to talk when he was clearly extremely busy. And then he says it. He want's to know what time we'll meet up tonight! PHEW, my face lit up like the eiffel tower! And that's it. 

All that stress, all those theories, for no reason at all. So finally I decided that I'm going to STOP over-analyzing and being paranoid. It's way too obvious that's he's into me! I'm still going to tread carefully, but i am NOT going to be as delirously paranoid as I have become lately. But I can't be blamed, what i went through with the neurotic devil a few months ago is bound to have left some lasting damage. 

Down with paranoia, and Cheers to taking things easy! 

A bientôt

First of the month!

I've always loved the first day of a new month. There's something refreshing about it. It's like life is starting all over again. Whatever happened in the past month is forgotten. You're given a second chance. 

I've always known that life is very unpredictable and strange, but sometimes I'm surprised by just how unpredictable life is. Did I know 10 days ago that I would meet someone that got me curious for more? NO Absolutely not! I was accepting the idea of being alone for quite some time. Although of course, I was not going to deny myself some carnal pleasure if it walked my way. 

And now, here I am writing about a guy I only met twice. Who is all of a stranger to me. First time I met him, it was for barely an hour, second time, well approximately 9hours, during which time we introduced ourselves quite intimately. It was strange telling my friends how I went out with a guy i barely know and his friends. Ok, this IS colombo, i DID know who the friends were, and there WERE mutual friends. But still, one week before, he had been a total STRANGER. And i'm lovin' it! What better way to spend a summer than to get to know someone from zero. 

Am I wary about him? Yes. I am wary about any guy, especially the kind of guy he is. But more I talk to him, more I find that he's smart and witty without being neurotic and mentally unstable like some others I've known. I wonder when I'll see him again, hopefully in a few days. I hope he'll take me for a ride in his sexy and spacious 407. 

I am getting curiouser and curiouser by the day, and I think I see the makings of an exciting summer fling! 

A bientôt!

Shock

You know when you feel SO utterly powerless that there is NOTHING you can do to make things ok? When all you can do is just SIT THERE dumbfounded. When you know that nothing you say can turn back time, and make things better. When ALL you have to give are words but all that is needed is a HUG. When you feel like someone reached in and took your heart in their fist are started to squeeze it. You feel breathless and weak and utterly lost. 

And the worst part is that, if YOU are feeling this way, you can only imagine how much MORE the one who is actually going through it might be feeling, and that thought just makes you realise how insignificant your own feelings are... 

I'm ready to sell my soul for a ticket out of here, to just be able to give a hug, to sit there in silence watching the smoke from each of our cigarettes swirl and intermingle in the air like acrobats performing their art in the circus tent... 

Je t'aime my OSM. 

Explosion

There have been so many thoughts flitting across my mind in the last few days that I feel like i need let them out or else i will explode. I know that the only reason i'm about to explode is that i haven't had my daily doses of soul mate for the past week. But i feel like this blog will do for now. 

1. I'm selfish. 

My mum has been nagging me about this for a few days. I know that it's partly because she's tired and stressed because she's been travelling a lot last week, and the maid was gone for the week. So of course I apologized and silently listened to her. But i do know that what she says has a certain truth to it. I am quite the selfish person. I tend to put myself before others in certain occasions. Yet she's wrong too, because i feel like i'm more selfish than others. Humans as a species are selfish creatures. Survival of the fittest is esentially a concept that promotes selfishness. I know that i can be selfless with my family and friends, i know that when it comes down to it, i am not selfish when they really need me. 

2. I'm stressed 

Up until 2 days ago, i was stressing about not having received my offer pack. But after an email to the admissions office, and another to the vice deane, i finally received it. And now i'm stressing about money and accomodation. Money i know can be settled. My parents will pay for half, and the rest I'll get loans. Accomodation i'm working on. But my departure date has been pushed up, so I'll have to find accomodation sooner rather than later, and i'm not going to stop stressing till i'm SURE that i'll have a roof above my head when i get there! 

3. I'm busy

So many things to do, so little time! I have to finish off my projects at work before i stop in a month. Since my boss is finally back, I hope it'll progress smoothly. I want to go travelling in Sri Lanka before I leave, I want to go to the hills, and sea (especially Arugam Bay). And I have only 6 weekends left! Need to get that done soon because I'll have too many last minute details to sort out, to afford taking 2 days off. 

4. I'm sad

I'm sad because looking back on the last year spent here, despite be cursing the country, and hating being back, i still managed to have a very eventful, and productive year. I gained a lot of life experience, I met a lot of very interesting people, and learnt a lot of things about myself. And mostly, i got close to my brother, and my baby cousin. I'm going to miss them. I guess I'll miss my mum too, but i won't miss the drama and heartache that comes with her. I'm going to miss driving a LOT. I'm also going to miss the people i met here, the old friends I renewed ties with, and the new ones I made. I'm going to miss Sri Lanka, with all it's faults, it's still home, and in this time of renewal, and reconstruction, i really wish i could help out. 

5. I'm excited

I LOVE change! I love discovering new places, new people. I'm going to be learning something that i have wanted to learn about for a long time, something i've been talking about for just as long, something that is one big step towards making my dreams come true. I love my country, but i have to say that i was feeling like i was starting to stagnate here, and leaving is the best way to clean up my pond. I'm starting a whole new era of my life, a whole new chapter in my biography and i'm ever so excited to know what's going to be in it! 

6. I'm dissapointed 

I met someone who sparked my curiousity, peaked my interest, created a ripple in my pond. I'm dissapointed that it happened when I was about to leave. It's annoying because it happened just before I left france too. But as the french say, c'est la vie, que sera, sera. But... 

7. I'm hopeful 

Because i know that i haven't turned to stone. That my curiously CAN still be sparked, and there ARE still people out that who'll are capable of it. 

Seven is my favorite number. But there's something missing. I need one more to complete this set of emotions. 

8. I'm happy :) 

I like to think that i'm a positive person. And quite appropriately, number Eight it happiness. Kick eight down and you get infinity. So Infinite happiness. 

Through the roller coaster of emotions that i've gone through in the past few days. Happiness is something that caps it all. My life is changing, in a good way. I'm at a really good place right now. A place that i strove to reach ever since i came back. And now that i'm here, i'm happy. And i know that everything WILL fall into place. 

There's a sense of serenity that just fell on me like an soft invisible silk cloth falling from above. 

I hope everyone can find this one day. It feels SO GOOD! 

A bientôt

Back to being frivolous

Sometimes I wonder why I even have a blog when I can rant to my best friend and get such amazing advice! Then I remember that there are times when I need to say things for which there IS not advice possible. Things that I simply need to get out of my head. There is one thing in my head right now, and that's how lucky I am! I called my self lucky_me because I feel like I have quite a lot of luck in many areas of my life. And one of the things I feel truly lucky about are my best friends, especially the one who is my soulmate. One cannot ask for anything more than being understood and she understands me so well it surprises me even after all these years! Ours is a bond that goes beyond time and space. No matter how many times I repeat it, I cannot really express how thankful I am for having her in my life. 

Divide and conquer. It's something that has been used for many a millenia. From the hunters in the stone age to the colonialists to the economic hitmen of the modern era. A time tested formula to succeed in battle. A formula that I have been adviced to use in my battle against boredom.

I hate 'inbetween' times. I have realised through this blog that I am an extremely impatient person. I need to go from one thing to another IMMEDIATELY. I can't STAND waiting. This is why I was feeling utterly frustrated and lost this past year, because this whole YEAR was an 'inbetween' time. Finished with the undergrad and waiting to do the masters. I should be thankful that I am currently not facing SUCH a long inbetween time. I'm merely awaiting my offer pack and going back to Uni. I'm so excited at the prospect that the idea of 'waiting' for it is KILLING me! The worst part is that I can't even DO anything in this inbetween time. I can't commit to anything because it's such a short period of time. I can't start a project because I might not have time to finish it. I can't like a guy because I can't risk getting attached. 

I know that this is a time where I have to focus on myself and MY needs but right now my NEED is to DO something! This patience business is killing me. So THIS is where the 'divide and conquer' formula comes in. 

I need to divide what IS happening in my life, and give attention to each of those aspects seperately. Looking at it that way, I DO have a sufficient number things. And if I try to make more of them individually, I have quite a lot of things to do. 

For example - family. I went to see my baby cousin yesterday. I hadn't seem her in about 6 weeks! And she's already grown so much! But I she still remembered the little game I play with her since I came back home last summer. It's called 'shadow'. Basically we go into the sun and wave at our own shadows. She dragged me outside yesterday but sadly there were no shadows because of the clouds. Then i realised that I won't be able to spend time with her. It's been so amazing seeing her grow from a 1 year old baby to a 2 year old toddler. I'm scared she'll forget me. So I'm going to spend as much time with her as possible. Especially because she's going to be a big sister soon, and I won't be in the country to see my new baby cousin... 

And then there's my brother. When I went off to Uni he was a boy. He was still making kites and running around the garden. When I came back, he had grown into a pimply teen with a broken voice and plenty of teenage drama! It's been great this past year, bonding with him, 'helping' him with girl issues. Overall, being the 'cool' older sister, even though at first all his friends thought I was his girlfriend. Which was a pleasant compliment, albeit disturbing. I'm going to miss hanging on out with him. And since his exams finish soon, he will be free so I'm going to make the best of this time and bond a bit more with my cute assed 'babouch'. 

Looking at it this way, I actually have plenty to fill my time. Plus I could read more. I need to read up on subjects for my masters. When i get my offer pack I'll have all the accomodation, choosing classes etc to deal with. And then finally, packing! Which is going to be TOUGH! 

I only hope that with all of this activity I'll have time to go to the beach and get laid! Because it's SUMMER again! Which means - HOT SURFER DUDES! :D I am a sucker for a head of messy sunbleached hair, tones arms and shoulders, defined abs with a little snail trail leading down from the belly button to the beach shorts hanging low on the hips. Add a string of beads around the neck, a cute accent, and I'm all theirs! Oh this summer is going to be great! 

I love how this post progressed from being cheesy and emotional to bored and depressed to happy and horney! The mind is a truly amazing place! 

A bientôt 

Blood Bath

No, this has nothing to do with an earlier post about menstruation. 

There are far more important things going on in this little island. Things that people seem to not notice. Things that seem so far away but are actually barely 200km away. So many people are dying of sickness, starvation, and shelling! But we in Colombo, we in our safe little bubble, prefer to talk about our own little woes. I'm generalizing of course. But I know that i'm one of those in that bubble. Living in a country at war comes with a price. After some time , nature allows us to adapt to the environment, this adaptation makes us desentisized to the suffering that exists SO CLOSE. We learn to go through every day without having to think about the hundreds dying so protect us and the hundreds dying for no reason at all. Who ARE WE? We can call ourselves human because it's human to adapt. But it is definitely NOT humane! 

I want to do something. I should do something. When did I become so selfish? When did we close our eyes and ears and most importantly, our hearts??? 

More information - http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/12/world/asia/12lanka.html?_r=1 

Help here - http://savevanni.blogspot.com/ 

A bientôt 

O

“He’s like a fictional character, but he’s real. First off, his mother was a Kansas girl. Never lived in Kansas though, but with deep roots. You know, like Kansas bloody Kansas. John Brown the insurrectionist. Jesse James and Quantrill. Bushwhackers, Guerillas. Wizard of Oz Kansas. I think Barack has Jefferson Davis back there in his ancestry someplace. And then his father. An African intellectual. Bantu, Masai, Griot type heritage - cattle raiders, lion killers. I mean it’s just so incongruous that these two people would meet and fall in love. You kind of get past that though. And then you’re into his story. Like an odyssey except in reverse.”

Bob Dylan on Obama

Makes you realise how small the world really is. 

Makes me keep hoping that there IS someone 'out there' for me... 

Makes one amazed at how significant Obama is to world history! 

I *heart* O

Bloody 'ell!

It's that time again when i start hating being a woman! I hate that I get so emotional, so needy and so touchy about everything and with everyone! And the worst part, is the mood swings! I should have guessed yesterday that this was coming when one minute I was totally energized after Yoga and then next minute I was chickening out of going out and facing the devil and his gf! And I don't even want to MENTION the first day pains! It only lasts a day, but that ONE day, well it's 'ell! I can't even find a proper position to lie in which would make me comfortable! Not even FRIENDS can make me forget the pain, any more (Friends was great for a few hours, but now...)! 

I feel so bloated and unattractive! I always feel the most sexiest the week prior to getting my periods... But I seem to attract guys WHILE I have it. Maybe it's something to do with the pheromones or whatever... I can't even remember the number of times when I kicked myself (in my head) for having missed out on some HOT guys just because of this bloody HELL! I also end up feeling more aroused this time of the month too... WTF is WRONG with me? I'm unnatural! But the pain is too real! I need to go watch some more Friends and go to sleep! Writing this all down makes me feel a lot better. 

And i feel like telling Salem i LOVE him! I miss him! It always used to make the pains better when u would lie on my stomach... Oh god fucking mood swings! 

A bientôt

Lawn - Jeh - Ray

I've been window shopping for lingerie these days. By window shopping, I mean 'virtual' window shopping of course. Sri Lanka, although a large producer for one of the best lingerie marks in the world (ex: Victoria's Secret) does not host even ONE really good lingerie shop. I remember there used to be one, down Green Path which gave their not so very cute creations in very cute pink bags. 

Anyhow, this latest window shopping spree is a direct result of one something I wrote about not too long ago. Something that I have not indulged in for far too long! SEX of course. 

Perhaps the irony of someone who is so sexually inactive, shopping for sexy lingerie might be hard to grasp. But I doubt those who might unwittingly come across this piece of virtual space would be that naive. 

Yet in a strange way, shopping for lingerie makes me happy. Even if it IS just 'window' shopping, even if I will not be able to afford any of the scrumptious sultry sexiness for a long time, even if I don't have anyone to admire them or take them off if I DID in fact possess them, it makes me happy. 

Something about the curve of the cup, the shimmer of satin, the ruffles and bows, the pattern in the lace, the transparency of the material, just makes me feel good. Sometimes I picture myself wearing them, sometimes I simply admire they way they sit on the oh-so-perfect bodies of those special make of people called lingerie models. 

When I come across a set that I would love to own, I don't see myself wearing it for anyone else, just admiring the beauty of a perfectly put together piece of underwear that I have the honour of wearing. Sometimes I try to imagine slowly shrugging off the silky strap while looking over my shoulder sexily to a stunning stranger. But that day dream stops there. 

Whoever came up with the term 'underwear', is to me an idiot! Lingerie is never 'underwear', you might wear it under your clothes, but it should never be 'under'-estimated. 

In fact, Chantal Thomass, who I think is the Coco Chanel of Lingerie, came up with the idea of 'Dessus Dessous' which means wearing underwear as outerwear. Why cover up something that is so well engineered? Why hide the elegance of a beautiful piece of lingerie? Unfortunately the answer to these questions lie in society and culture. Whereas this concept would be accepted in the fashion-forward, sexy society of La France. In most parts of the world, it would be frowned upon. But I would rather not get into this right now. I am too good a mood to do any culture bashing. 

In fact, I think I'll get back to flicking the pages (internet pages of course - although I WOULD love a cataloue) of Victoria's Secret and dreaming of the days when I can afford to invest €200 on 'underwear'! 

A bientôt 

ps (for those who are interested) Fifi Chachnil , La Senza, Princess Tam Tam 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...

I have been scorned. Scorned in a manner that is impossibly hard to bear. But I'm not furious. I don't have any anger. I'm just in pain. Maybe the phrase should be more like, 'A scorned woman hurts like hell'. Because it does. 

Before I met him, I never believed in 'love'. I grew up thinking men are all assholes and 'love' does not exist. Especially for me. I pushed away any relationships that were getting too emotional. Men were expendable. And then, when I went to Uni, I decided, new country, new me. I should give them a chance. Almost immediately, he came along. I gave him a chance. And I thought, WOW, finally I am capable of trusting somebody with my heart. I wrote pages and pages of prose and poetry about those feelings. Love inspired me, and motivated me through those harsh first few months alone in an alien land. But it was a lie! From the beginning, it was a LIE!!!! I admit I had a few drunken kisses but he was the only one I was in love with. And at the beginning I felt extremely guilty for being unfaithful. And ALL THAT TIME, he was playing with me. For THREE FUCKING YEARS!!! Sure, he loved me, in his own way, he wasn't that good a liar. But it wasn't exclusive. I was his crutch. FUCK! Eventually, it got to the point where we admitted our failings. And then, the dams were opened. I had thought he would NEVER be unfaithful. THAT'S how good a liar he was! He made me think that he was SO much in love, that there was NO other woman for him. To know that HE was capable of cheating on me, did something to me. And I went further than I ever had the 2 previous years in my drunken escapades. In fact, some were even sober escapdes. And I didn't feel guilty. I was confused as to why. But now I'm so very glad. I had NOTHING to feel guilty about. Not even that time when I was in the arms of another when he called to say good night and I told him I loved him too. But by then I had stopped loving him. I was just used to being with him. It had become habit. And then, that magical night with that adorable guy, I realised that I was lying to myself. That it was over. The next day I ended it. And then, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. WHY? Because, HE was NOT the one that broke it off? I HAD THE NERVE to break up with HIM!!! And MONSIEUR could NOT deal with that. Sure he was there for me, but then again so were my friends. There were moments that were magical and amazing. But the deceit, manipulation, the way he fucking USED me! The worst thing is, that there were things I guessed. BUT somehow, he managed to lie his way through them. He managed to convincingly lie to me from the fucking FOOT of the statue of JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ( no offense)  in RIO FUCKING DE JANEIRO!!!! I was so NAIVE. 

What hurts the most is the fact that I trusted him. I trusted him with SO much, that after dumping him I felt like a part of me was lost. He was the first and only man I trusted with my heart. It was already difficult for me to emotionally connect with someone since then, but NOW, after his 'confession', I have no idea how I'll be able to trust again. And I'm scared. I push away anything that had even the remotest possibility of scaring me. It feels like the scars that I already habour have been scratched at by a rabid ANIMAL. A psychotic ANIMAL. 

But I was right about one thing. He never really loved ME. He always loved the idea of me, the idea of having me. He thought I was the woman for him. Never mind all the other women he loved and fucked. I was the poor little girl who would wait for him half the world away. The worst part is, when I DID get the chance with someone amazing, I chose him. I chose HIM, the cheater, over a GORGEOUS, SMART, SEXY, AMAZING guy who my friends actually LIKED (unlike Monsieur Unfaithful). 

It hurts though. I just feel like such an IDIOT! An idiot for ever having believed him. An idiot for not noticing what a fucking LIAR he was, and even when I did notice, for not accepting it. Actually, the only reason he was able to lie to me was that we were not together psysically. He couldn't lie to me to my face, to he called and texted and emailed and IMed me instead.

One of the most important things I learnt from this is to avoid at all costs, a long distance relationship. 

The second important thing I learnt is to avoid trusting what a guy says. They might say they love you, that you are everything to them, that you are the most beautiful thing in their world etc etc etc. Those are just words. When a guy chooses to put three continents between you. It means you are NOT the world to them. When a guy praises you too much. He's NOT sincere. Nobody is that perfect. Sure! I'm generalizing here. But for the moment, I can't help it!

Trust is something that has always been an issue for me. I have had my trust broken too many times to not be careful. The friends I trust with EVERY SINGLE detail of my life are my eyes; two, and they help me see the world. The others I trust to varying degrees. But there was ONE person I trusted as close to as possible to the way I trust my two closest friends. And he didn't deserve it. He was not worth an OUNCE of the trust I put in him. I can't. I simply cannot trust again. In fact, I don't even know if I can have a relationship again. I didn't let anyone close because I was afraid I'll get my heart broken. I didn't get my heart broken. But I never thought having your trust broken could hurt THIS MUCH. 

I've been trying to be strong. Trying to keep it in. But I can't. Not when I don't have my support system. Not when I'm SO very ALONE. 

I think a change of scene will be the best for the healing process. A place with NO memories attached. I can't even be at home without thinking of the LIES! 

I need to renew myself. Cleanse myself of the past entirely. Reinvent myself. Rejuvinate my ego which feels like it's been run over by a monster truck! But I can't resort to my usual ego boosters, they will only provide me with momentary satisfaction. A double shot of caffein that will leave me depressed once the effects run out. I need to learn to put the pieces together by myself. 

I feel relieved to have let it all out. I'm glad I have this blog. I think I'll unblock it again. I need this to be 'out there'. This is the reply that I will never give him - "IT'S OVER". 

A bientôt 

Primal Needs

For an ugly ass guy, Serge Gainsbourg mustav been DARN sexy to have attracted the likes of Jane Birkin!

Soon it will be 4 months since I last had sex, and 4 months is the longest I've ever gone (since I 1st had sex that is). Last year, I had a 4 month stint which ended with the fortunate rencontre of the Nice Frenchie. I was so sex starved that I barely lasted a week of no sex, and that only because I had my period! I was even ready to ignore the fact that he was not as HAWT as I usually liked. I don't think I'm a nymphomaniac, but I love sex. I need sex. The last time I had sex was amazing. I wasn't really intending to hook up with him, but I was drunk, he was sexy and seductive and the attraction was undeniable. It was the perfect way to say good bye to a year of promiscuity, and enter a year or abstinence. At least, that's the way I saw it four months ago. I had decided that I don't want one night stands or JUST sex anymore. I was ready to abstain for as long as it takes. It took one month for me to be tempted out of this resolution. He would have been a first for me, but it didn't work out, because I wanted more than just sex, he didn't know what he wanted. And that's that. But the chemistry was crazy!!

Since then I've accepted the fact that I might not have sex for quite a while. But as the four month mark is getting close, I find myself getting more and more frustrated. I need to feel attractive, sexy and wanted. I know there are ways to get this need fulfilled, but I don't want it. Because it would be like quenching my thirst with water when what I really want is a Margharita. I want pure, hot, carnal PASSION! I want a Hubert or better yet ,a TOM! If, by some luck (and I'm pretty lucky), I DO meet someone who fills my requirements. I am NOT wasting any time contemplating emotions. My primal bestial needs have to be fulfilled before I tend to the more sentimental ones.

Till then, I have to be patient. Unfortunately, patience is not one of my virtues.

A bientôt

UPDATE : The same day i wrote this, in the night, i got a mail from none other than TOM who i said is what i really want. Guess what the subject of him mail was 'I'm coming'. Somehow i don't think this is a coincedence. It's some weird The Secret/ Power of Attraction thing. Unfortunately he was coming to France. Which is a little bit too far away for me to fly for a booty call! But still I like that he thought of me the day i thought of him... I guess I mustav left an impression on him, as he on me... :D

Wrapped

I haven't been inspired to write for some time now... I guess it's the inactivity that has taken over my life that's seeping into my creativity and draining me of all creative impulse.

Surprisingly, changing my header picture seems to have done the trick. It's a illustration by Garance Doré, whose photographs I love as well.

I love the expression of the woman in this image. It's almost as if she's saying, "So what?", or more appropriately, "Et Alors?"... The cigerette held lightly and casually between her finger, and sultry eyes looking straight at you with conviction and pride.

But the best part is that she is wrapped in a shawl of smoke. I like it because that's how i feel these days... Like I see the world through a layer of smoke, that both distorts and protects. It distorts my image of the world around me, while at the same time protecting me from it. I feel like I am part of the society that surrounds me yet I am seperate, because of this cloud of smoke...

The main reason for this 'smoke shawl' is the fact that my time in Colombo is coming to an end. I don't know when I'll be living here again, and hopefully it won't be for quite a few years. In the few months I've been back, I've met many people, had many experiences that not only helped me answer questions about myself, but made me pose more questions about who I am. Of course, self discovery is a process that might never have a conclusion, but I feel like I've reached a point where I'm comfortable with who I am, and confident that I am a good person. For essentially, that's who I want to be: a good person. I'm neither naughty nor nice. I am simply ME and I am good.

The 'smoke shawl', I think will help me in the transition from this stage of my life to the next which I shall be entering in just a few short months. I can hide behind it and observe those who surround me without being fazed by whatever is happening in the 'outside world'. Sometimes I feel lonely in this enshrouded world that I have created for myself. There are only a couple of people who have the right to cross the smoke veil. And none of them are here with me. I feel like more of an introvert than I've ever felt in a very long time. I shun all attachment. In my quest to be as free as a bird, I am trapping myself in a cage of smoke. But I know it's only temporary. I will shrug off the smoke shawl as soon as I start the next phase of my life. I hope this will make the transition easier, smoother, and less painful.

A bientôt

Would you be my Sugar Daddy?

One of the sites that I peruse when I'm bored, is glamour.com. I love it because they talk about such a variety of subjects, albeit somewhat shallow. I wasn't very shocked when I came across a title that said, 'would you accept an expensive gift?" Of course, being the materialistic girl I am, I went and read the article, and lo and behold I discover the existence of a website that is made for rich men and women searching for companionship, be it sexually,socially or both. The concept of Sugar Daddies/ Mommies and Sugar Babies is something that is saved from being labelled as prostitution by the fact that in exchange for the money the Daddies and Mommies spend on them, the Babies not only provide them with sex, but other services such as housekeeping or companionship.

In a world where life is getting more and more expensive, and money is constantly on the back of your mind, be it because of that morgage that you have to pay off, the University tuition you need to find or the bonus that you didn't get last month. In addition society has become more and more consumeristic, forcing some to keep pace with the rest of their entourage by indebting themselves more and more. And I won't even get started on the current Recession.

Therefore, I find it quite normal that this Sugar daddy/baby relationship has evolved and is expanding today. In fact this phenomenon is simply a mutation of the age old heterosexual relationship of men providing financial security in exchange for women's sexual capacity to provide and raise children. The only thing different in the 21st century is that the children have been dropped somewhere along the mutation process.

In fact, this trend can been seen in most relationships. Whether they admit it or not, women look for men who can provide them financial security, and men look for women who can keep then sexually satisfied. Of course, I'm not trying to belittle things like 'Love', but somewhere between the sweet nothings, and the amourous declarations, you can still find remnants of these stone age tendencies...

My evaluation.

I can't stomach the idea of being with someone just for the money or forcing myself to provide companionship. In an article about the site, it is said that most Sugar Babies pick and choose their benefactors, but I really don't see myself selling myself to someone i don't feel attracted to.

But if i DO find someone who's good looking, smart AND rich, who I'm very attracted to, even only physically, THEN, I would definitely consider being a Sugar Baby. What girl doesn't like being petted and pampered.

According to Freud, in the Oedipus complex, most girls want to sleep with their daddy, maybe what he really meant was 'Sugar' daddy...

A bientôt

Hope

It's the Light at the end of the tunnel,
It's St. Peter at the Pearly white gates,
It's the 72 virgins in Paradise,
It's the ultimate destination of nirvana,
It's that vice like grip of a tiny hand,
It's the soothing voice of a mother,
It's that subtle scent of the one you love,
It's a palm held open,
It's a smile thrown your way,
It's the bond of friendship that defies time and space,
It's that castle high up in the clouds,
It's the silver lining,
It's the sun that peeps through those grey clouds,
It's whatever you make it, whatever you want it to be.
But it is.
Simply
Hope

Intoxicated

Just one drink more. One's not going to make a difference, I've already had about 5. Shots? Yes. Why not? I love tequila. Oh, you wanna buy me a drink? Why thank you. I'll have Sex on the Bar, i mean Beach, I mean the cocktail, 'Sex on the Beach', I love peach. I'm feeling fine. Look at me, I can walk in straight line. You want me to walk back in a straight line? Hihihi I didn't realise I was walking backwards. Can a bum a cigarette of you? Thanks. That's a sweet thing to say. I'm blushing! Mmm really? My lips taste like peaches? Whoooops, I'm sorry I fell into you, it's so hard to balance, my heels are far too high! Yes, you can leave your hands there. Mhmm, what? another drink! Body shots! Mmm you're tongue feels so good on my collarbone... A nightcap? Oh you live close by do you? A bottle of rosé? Now how can I say no to that? Let me just tell my friend. I'm a going. I kno, I kno, but he za friend of that otha guy. E's ok. Don' worry 'bout me. Yeaa, I'll text, I'll drop in on ma way home. Let's go.

Good Morning.

The Simple Life

They say that life is what you make of it. They also say that you reap what you sow. So, if you make you’re life complicated, you can’t expect it to be anything more or less than exactly that.

I think I’m a complicated person. I also think that people are complicated in general. But then again, some, like me, are not only complicated, but want complicated things. I expect a lot from life, I look to the stars and beyond, and I believe that my ambitions can be achieved, someday, somehow. I have a lot of things I want to see, a lot of things I want to do, many experiences I would like to add to my ever-growing list. The fact that I want to make so much of my life, and want to reap so many different kinds of things, in such a vast area, makes actually SOWING that harvest so much more difficult. To a point when sometimes my hope falters, and I question myself as to whether I’ll actually reach those stars one day… It also makes me wonder if my expectations of life are too high, too complicated. These thoughts are fuelled by the examples I see of those who live what I consider to be a ‘Simple Life’, and who are absolutely happy with what they have.

One example is my second cousin (mum’s cousins daughter). She went to a normal public school, got normal A-Level results; in fact did them twice from what I recall, got a normal job. I would, as might be guessed, peg her as a normal girl. A few years ago, she married a pretty normal guy, and recently she had her first baby. And all before she hit 30.

We went to visit her today, and I saw how happy she was. Her husband was loving, kind, and great with the baby, the baby was beautiful and healthy, and she lived pretty comfortably, not lacking for anything that was essential. It all seemed so simple. This is what she expected of her life: to be married, with children, living in a good house, with a good job and happy.

I look at myself and realise how I could never be happy with just that. I can’t have a normal job, I want an extraordinary job, a job that is really hard to get, but which I know would be ideal for me. I want to be the Secretary General of the UNO. And I can’t have a normal husband. My partner (notice I said partner, not husband), if I ever have one, needs to stimulate me in every possible way. He needs to keep up with me, and ideally, I should be trying to keep up with him. I want him to be smarter than I am, but equally ambitious and he has to challenge me, be it in the bedroom or the boardroom. So in addition to loving me, he also has to fulfil all these requirements and more to not only win my love, but also the place at my arm. The house, I really don’t mind, if I had my dream job, and my dream partner I think I would be complete enough to live anywhere. And as for children, for now, I’m not sure. If ‘he’ convinces me it’s a good idea, and if ‘he’ can guarantee twins or triplets, then I might consider…

But I digress.

That was but a short rendition of the high expectations that I harbour. Yet I think it is sufficient to express how complicated it all would be to obtain. My job itself would require at least 5 more years of education, and many many more years of work experience, political backing, and some old fashioned good luck! The man, well that is something I cannot time, although I would if I could.

And I know that I need all of this to be really happy with my life. I know that the process of getting there will make me very happy. But I will not be truly content, till I’ve achieved what I want, till the harvest is brought home.

What plagues me is whether I’m missing something. Am I missing out on the simple life by having such bloody grand expectations? Should I set my sights a bit lower?

But I know myself, setting the sights lower would not mean reaching happiness faster, because it would not make me happy. My goals are high for a reason, because when I reach those goals, I would be so happy I'd be FLYING!

So the simple life, just isn’t for moi. I’ll just have to rough it out, and when the hope waivers I’ll just have to remind myself, that I can’t settle for less, simply because of who I am.

A bientôt

Good things

I just got an email from a good friend who i've known for about a year now. She's a truly amazing person, full of life, and just a pleasure to be around, and who i miss dearly as a result of our geographic seperation. In her email she told me about this guy who she met at a party, who had come to her birthday on friday. Apparently they had a mutual attraction. But ''somehow'' she got very drunk, and was extremely sick. And this guy held her hair up while she heaved etc. Yesterday he had called her, gone and helped her look for her lost phone, and spent the whole day with her... She sent me the email because she felt like telling someone how happy she was and that she thinks "this one might be a keeper".

Reading that email made me so happy!! Not an artificial happiness because i felt i was MEANT to be happy, but genuine happiness for the good thing that happened to my friend. She has been single for quite a while now, with unsuccessful stints with a few guys who weren't very good to her. And I have a feeling, this one is going to be different...

So here she is reaping the benefits of her patience. Good things do come to those who wait, but they also come to those who are capable of grasping those occasions. The situation might present itself due to your patience, but unless you are capable of taking the extra step to see what the situation might lead you to, your patience is pointless.

Sometimes situations present themselves, you take that leap of faith, but then you don't make the effort to maintain the momentum. And someone else grabs the chance that was yours. So good things do happened to people who are patient. But when they do, unless you make a positive attempt to keep things good, the chance will simply slip by.

I have been contemplating about good things without even trying to explain what these elusive creatures might be. Good things for me, are things that make you happy. Those moments, situations, people, places, things that can bring a smile to your face and makes your heart flutter with joy.

I could feel my friends heart fluttering through her words, through the computor screen, the thousands of miles between us. That's how happy she was.

I don't know if it's an after effect of that substance i consumed yesterday but i have been feeling so light, so happy, so ready to share that happiness. I can simply sit in one place and smile.

I think good things might be happening to me too.

A bientôt

Ma Vie Va CHANGER!!!

This is NO april fools joke - I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED TO DO MASTERS!!

For the last seven months I have been drifting around not knowing what the 'next step' will be. Something that has been extremely difficult for me to come to terms with as I have always had a 'next step' for the few years that I have been on this planet. Now finally, I have a 'next step'. I know what i'm going to be doing in 5 months. I shall be starting on a whole new stage in my education. I know for sure that it'll be tough as hell but i'm ready for it. I WANT IT! I am SO excited about it i can't stop thinking about it. It's hard to concentrate.

And what's even better than being sure about your next step? Knowing that you're next step is going to take you away from home!!! YAYYY!!! Ok it's not like I don't like living at home, but after three years living by myself, it's hard to get back to living 'under' the parents. I have to report back to them on EVERYTHING i do! Whether the reports are true or false is a different story, i have to report nonetheless! One more year of peaceful, non parental guided existence! AND hopefully I will be able to find a place somewhere so that I'll have even MORE years of non parental guided existence! I love my parents, but I simply cannot live with them for too long!

Another thing, I'll be leaving Sri Lanka!!! It's a beautiful country and i LOVE it! But i'm getting fed up of it! I need to move, I think i'm born to travel. I get restless staying at one place too long. It's time to move on. It feels like everything that has happened in the last 7 months has been leading up to this. I am NOT going to live in Sri Lanka next year. This was meant to be a 'gap year' and it's what it has become. For the past month, i've been considering staying longer, and maybe living here with no hope of getting out, but now, everything has fallen into place, because even my acceptence of the idea of living here is a part of the 'BIG plan' for my future.

Best yet, I've been contemplating why I didn't seem to connect with any of the guys who i've dated (well either i don't connect or they don't) and i guess it's for a reason, because i would be leaving! I have nothing to hold me back. No strings pulling me one way or another. I'm as free as a bird to make my own decisions!

I feel truly LUCKY!

Well, i still have 5 months to get through. And a lot of logistics to deal with about the Masters. But i feel like they're all going to fall into place. Till then, i should enjoy the time i have here.

A bientôt!

Still

To hear him sobbing like that broke my heart. Last time I saw him like that was the night before he left for University. But unlike that time, I felt sorry for him, sympathy, pity and not love. He says that one day we shall be together, and that I am the ONE for him. He believes in it so much that nothing i can say will make him change his mind. ONE YEAR! ONE WHOLE YEAR and he's still pining for me. He still misses me. After all the ignoring, all the meanness that I doled out on him in an effort to protect myself, and help him get over me, he STILL wants me back. He still wants a second chance.

I still miss the way we were. We were so happy. But I can't have that again with him. I will always go looking for someone who fulfills me like he did, who makes me happy and content like he did, who looks at me the way he did. But it won't be him again. I simply don't love him anymore. I haven't loved him for more than the year that we have not been a couple. It just took me some time to realize that.

He says that noone will love me as much as he loves me. It's possible. He loved me SO much, to the point at which it was obsessive. But he deserves that love to be reciprocated, and I'm not the person for that.

He says he'll wait, for as long as it takes. I told him that you can believe whatever you want to believe, that doesn't mean it will be true.

I want to LOVE as much as being loved. Why is that so hard? Am I incapable of such a love? Am I too hard hearted? I shun those who want to love me... and i go looking for those who don't. Why do I torture myself so?

Maybe I simply didn't find the right person to love. I thought he was right, I did love him, but time and space slowly drained that love in me.

Yet i STILL miss feeling that way. I still want to feel that way again. Who knows what awaits me in the future...

A bientôt

Shmoka

"Shmoka shmoka
I like to shmoka lotta dopa
Shmoka shmoka"

Sung in a somewhat stoned tone...

Ahh the memories...

Tram stop

Sitting there,
Balancing that thin white tube between the crotch of my 2 fingers.
Legs crossed lightly,
One foot twitching to the beat of my Ipod.
Looking around,
Searching every face for those tell-tale signs.
Wondering
If someone was like me.
Hoping
I wouldn't have to wait much longer.
It would be coming soon.
5 minutes more.
Just enough time for one.
So do you have a light?

L'ennuie et cigarettes...

I hate feeling this way. I had such a great weekend. I don't know what has gotten into me. I feel like any bit of energy I had just leaked out of me last night while i was sleeping! I barely managed 5 minutes on the Orbitrac this morning, when i usually do 20 without any problem. I feel like curling up and reading a book wearing only girly boxers and a bra. No not even a bra! It's SO HOT these days. I was so shocked when i went to school last weekend and saw not one but TWO girls wearing tights, not leggings, TIGHTS! I can't even wear a pair of jeans. Plus their feet must really stink! I want a massage. I want a nice neck rub. I want Ali to give me one of his nice neck rubs. Now that i look back on it, i think our 'fromance' might have prevented Ali from going and getting a girlfriend, which is why he was so goddam QUICK to get one after i left! Wow it's going to be a year soon since i left France. I miss it. I want cold weather. I want to wear those divine patent leather oxford booties that I keep drooling over everytime i go to Temptation. Temptation. Such an aptly named store. I get tempted so much with all their cute booties, ankle boots and knee boots. Not to mention their ballerines. I sometimes don't even want to wear ballerines because it's so hot! Fait trop chaud putin! Of course I rub it in the face of all those who are stuck in that seemingly endless winter up north but i envy them SO much! Does drinking cooled water maker you feel cooler? Or does your body work harder to chill that water back to body temperature that you're actually heating up your body by making it work harder? So drinking cool water actually makes u warmer instead of cooler? I can't wait to read this in another month or so and laugh at how random I can be. I'm having withdrawal symptoms. I need my dose of T. It's been three days. I hope she's alright. She said she was having bob on friday. I really hope she didn't have some bad reaction to it. :S No. She'll be alright. She's a survivor! Must simply be hungover, but then again you don't get hang overs with bob!! My neck still hurts. I want a cigarette. But it'll make me feel warmer, which is quite the opposite of what I want to feel right now. I miss how great it feels to smoke... I wasn't a chain smoker. I smoked because it felt good, and mostly looked good. A smoke while waiting for the tram, a smoke with coffee while reading a book at a café, a smoke after class leaning against the railings of the staircase outside, a smoke in one hand and a margarita in the other, a smoke after sex (only if the other person smokes too), a smoke while contemplating life staring at the moon, a silent smoke with T, a secret smoke on my balcony...

Plus smoking looks so sexy. Maybe because of the 'cigarette is a phallic symbol' stuff... But if you look past that symbolism, there's something so alluring about smoking. The way you hold a cigarette is an art in itself. Then bringing it to your lips, and taking a slow but strong drag, and then there's the breathing it in, letting the smoke invade your lungs and pollute every single alveolus in your lungs. And finally, the sexiest part of all; the smoke. There are so many ways of opening your mouth and letting that smoke create a screen in front of your face... each way, has it's own charm. I like to lift my chin up and tilt my head back a tiny bit, well, i liked to.

Quitting was the right decision. That doesn't mean it's not hard. Especially when you find smoking as aesthetically pleasing as I do.

Oh no, I've let my thoughts wander too much.

Je m'ennuie.

A bientôt

Missing

I miss A and I miss T. I miss being able to go to see A whenever I want. I miss playing with Shlappy at T's house. I miss sitting on the back steps of Odel and keeping a look out while T smokes her ciggie. I miss how A would ALWAYS be cold no matter the weather. I miss eating ramen with T, pretending to be feeding ourselves healthy food. I miss going to T's place after a night out, and eating tuna out of the can cause obviously, I'm hungry! I miss simply passing hours reflecting about life, our existence and just philosophizing about everything with T. I miss going shopping with A. Trying on everything and buying nothing. I miss sharing a cig with A each in their own thoughts in companiable silence. I miss watching the Guignols with A. I miss A coming to my place at crazy hours wanting to talk. I miss how we talk about guys, about how they're all assholes. I miss how much A hated 'him'. I miss. I miss smoking up with T and going into giggling fits. I miss them. No matter how many people I am surrounded by, no matter how many other friends I have. They will always be SO very important to me. One who I met in high school, the other at university. Two people so extremely different from eachother. Yet who are so very in sync with me.

A bientôt

Story

Once upon a time, there was a girl and a boy called diboudi and bougybou. Despite major differences thy fell deeply in love. Their love reached across cultures, colours, oceans and continents. But then one day bougybou decided to get away from diboudi because she was being very annoying... because she was definitely very annoying! So he went to a place far away. But of course! as annoying as diboudi was she couldnt stop annoying bougybou just because he was miles away! So she decided to pack up and follow her bougybou. And when they reunited in the place far away bougybou and diboudi were so happy!!! And then they loved happily ever after.
What happened ever after?
Well that's another story!

Written 4th september 2007

A story, a story is what this will ever be!

A bientôt

Anniversary

This day last year, I unceremoniously dumped my boyfriend of 2 and a half years on Skype chat. I knew exactly what I didn't want that day. And I am happy to say, that a year on, I am on the right path to knowing what i do want. Because of course, one cannot exactly know what one wants, at any given period in life... I am extremely content at what my life is today.
But reflecting back on the last 12 months, I realised just how much i went through. Just how many expriences I have acquired, that have enriched me as a person. Most of which I would never have had, if I had stayed with him. I am much more than who I was last year. I was always sure of my decision, but I have never been surer than today. At the same time, I know that this 'spot' that I am in right now was not easy to find, nor will it be easy to stay in. But I have worked hard to come here, and I deserve it.
Now I feel like I'm finally ready to let go of that hate, and frustration I had with him, and be able to treat him as someone who affected my life greatly. Who loved me (maybe still loves me), who showed me what it was like to be loved, who made me realize that love must be shared equally. If the balance is tipped, one side will just come crashing down. He made me realize that before I can love someone else, I have to love myself. And before I love myself, I have to figure out who I am...
I have a good idea of who I am today. And I want him to know the ME of today, because I'm sure it will help him let go of that little girl he fell in love with 4 years ago and who broke his heart one year ago.

A bientôt

Dressed to kill!

Recently someone tagged me on one of those stupid facebook personality tag pictures as 'the most stylish' or something of the sort. I found this pretty interesting. My mother would be extremely pleased. Because for her, I am the epitome of the lazy dresser. When we go to the supermarket I wear whatever i'm wearing at home which translates into 'whatever is the most comfortable even if it's ripped, stretched or discoloured'. She says that one should ALWAYS be meticulously well groomed. I have to admit that she has a point. You never know who you might bump into at the supermarket, for example you're crazy psycho ex from France?

But I DO love fashion. I love reading about it, looking at beautifully dressed people. But to me, being stylish is about confidence. If you are confident in whatever you are wearing, be it a ragged pair of jeans, a white tee and bedhead hair, you will look gorgeous because of your confidence. This I have noticed in my time in France. Especially the times i spent in Paris.

Doesn't she look like she spent a bare minimum of time putting together this chic outfit? And her hair! WOW

It truly is one of the fashion capitals of the world. Not for its haute couture but for the style of those elegent yet nonchalantly dressed parisians. I say parisians because it's not only the girls, but also the boys who have very good fashion sense.

Doesn't Clémence Poësy look gorgeously Parisian here?

The art of looking parisian, other than the 'Ooo la la, i am from Parris' attitude is the laid back look. Parisians look like they barely put 2 seconds into looking the way a common mortal like you and me might take HOURS and STILL fail to achieve.

So what i hope to achieve eventually with my style, is this 'laid back casual elegance' that oozes from those Parisiennes...
A real compliment for my style would be, "wow you look very Parisian" :)

For more beautiful Parisians go see Garance Doré or The Sartorialist

A bientôt

Looking before leaping

We talked. We argued. We assessed the situation. We came to a conclusion. We cleared up the grey and made things black and white. Now I feel like I miss the greys. Because then, I would have a reason to call him. Now, we have decided that we like eachother. But is that it? We shall 'see how it goes'? Let time tell? But why is there no effort from him, to even get to know me more? Or does he assume that I'll be out on Friday, as usual, and that we'll bump into eachother, as usual? And that I'll make a fool of myself... as usual!

I want to let him know that I think of him. That I want more than just to 'bump into each other', the 'occasional text' and 'drinks sometime'. But I agreed, that I don't want something serious either. So in my self contradiction. I fell into HIS manipulating hands, and HIS game.

I thought there was something worth holding onto. Something in his tone, his probing questions, his devious traps, that made me think, for a moment, that he might want something more... Something significant. This pacified me for a few days.

But now I'm wondering if he was simply playing a game... That it was all an act. That he wasn't as insecure as he seemed, or as I intepreted. Am I always supposed to do all the dirty work? Am I the one who has to 'prove myself'. That I'm not just playing with him.

Why can't I simply forget about it? Because I haven't been attracted to someone, in this way, in a long time. And I'm not willing to give up on it because he's such a hard nut to crack.

THAT's it. He thinks my goal is to CRACK him and then I'll get bored and move on. I don't WANT to do that. But the fact that he shows such little interest might make me want to give up and move on ANYWAY.

Perhaps that's what he's doing. Testing me... I'm up for the challenge. No way am I giving up now josé!

I know I'm exposing myself far too much. But I've looked before leaping. I've seen that dark ravine with only a faint shimmer to indicate what might be at the bottom.

Leaping now.

A bientôt

Life is a rollercoaster...

As Ronan Keating of Boyzone fame put it, life is indeed a rollercoaster ride. Especially with the swift changes in emotions that we sometimes experience. One moment i'm in cloud nine with a just a few words. And the next moment, with another brief sentence I'm in the depths of depression! I hate feeling this way! I hate being so vulnerable. I hate that he makes me feel this way. So raw. I wish i could rise above this about be completely unfazed by his apparent lack of interest. But I can't. All I can do is pretend to be unfazed. Be patient. However much times I repeat it to myself it simply does NOT get easier.

If life is indeed the rollercoaster it seems to be, then i think there's a high coming sometime soon..

A bientôt

A second could last a millenium

A brush of a hand, a glance my way,
The blood rushing through my veins.
Eyes meet, heat rises,
A second could last a millenium.

Lips part, tongue dances, I bite my lips and smile.
His chin rises as he smiles to himself, but only for a second.
And that second, lasts a millenium.

The power of a second, a moment in life, almost insignificant.
But for the eyes, for the heart, for the skin and soul,
A second could last a millenium.

Blood pressure rising, temperature soaring,
I can feel the sparks in the air.
Eyes colliding like atoms, to create a nuclear explosion in our bodies!

That electric touch, that nuclear glance,
A second could last a millenium.

I'm in a

... dreamworld

Sex, drugs and rock and roll...

In French, when someone tells you that you're very 'rock and roll', it means that ur very libertine, very open... To new experiences, to experimenting... That you embody the whole 'rock and roll' era. Although a few people tell me that i'm très rock and roll, i know that i'm not. I could introduce you to someone that is, but no, not me. Maybe i have some 'rock and roll' tendancies, but essentially i'm not.
Why do i know this? It's because i miss someone coming upto me from behind, wrapping his arms around me, and snuggling his face in my neck, in my hair, breathing me in. I miss the way it is to be looked at by a man who loves you, who looks at you as if you are perfection itself. I miss the way it feels to hear someone cry 'je t'aime' in the throws of passion. I miss saying ''good morning'', and really mean it because the morning started off beautifully. I miss holding hands under the table, rubbing eachothers hands with the thumb. I miss those whispery kisses running down my spine.

I have not be playing the 'game' for long. For most of the past 10 months that i have been single, i've been above 'the game'. I used the same field, but I was above all the rules, and I knew i would win without even bothering to play.

Like anything that is overdone, it got boring. So now, since of late, i have been trying to play the game, and i realise that i'm absolutely TERRIBLE! I hate the rules, maybe it's the habit of having overlooked them for so long. I feel confined into a one field whereas before, i could jump from one field to another without a thought! And unlike before, i do not know if i would win. My opponent used to only be a pawn in my win, but now, the win depends on him. I don't know how long i'll be able to keep up with this game. I am slowly learning the rules as i go along...

But i've gotten a taste for victory... I'm addicted to victory. Unfortunately my opponant is aware of this, and will force me to play my best game. But i have faith. Despite not being 100% sure of a win. I am 100% hopeful of it! If i don't win this game, there'll always be others... Yet, unlike when i used to be above 'the game', there are now risks. AHHH now that's the only thing that's keeping this game FUN!

A bientôt

Amused and confused

Wow he's SO effing entertaining! Of course, he knows that. He thrives on that. But I can't help being awed by it. By him... He's charming. He's utterly irritating. He seems sincere but I can't don't know if he is. He seems to be a gentleman. I think he is. He seems to be interested. He most definitely is. But am i? What do I want? I think I want to talk to him again, be amused for another 5 hours with several glasses of vodka tonic! Do i like him? I don't hate him anymore. I like him as a person. He's quirky, and silly, and very eccentric and I really like people like that.

I've never been this confused about something for a while!!! He says he sees things as blacks and whites, but me i'm a grey person.. I like to simplify things, but i'm complicated. Of course. One yearns for what one is not... To fill a void. Maybe we could be friends... friends that kiss? WHY does that immediately make me think of Dawson's creek??!??!!!

I'm confused!

A bientôt

Nue

Y'a plus rien a cacher.
Tout est exposé.
Fragile, permeable.
Me voila dans tout mon gloire,
Ou non.
Regards bien,
Apprecies,
Ou non,
OUBLIES!

Santé!!!!

Margarita's on Thursdays is simply NOT enough!

I want Margarita's served by a Parrot in a shirt!

I want Blue Margarita's at the Margarita Blue Galadari!

I want Strawberry Margarita's at Darling made by Jaz!

Lucky for me!

It's been 2 months since i last smoked. It hasn't been very hard since I was never a chain smoker. But these days I've been feeling so blue that I'm craving for a cigarette and an espresso!

I miss Lucky Strike lights :(



I miss Benson lights too!