Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Looking before leaping

We talked. We argued. We assessed the situation. We came to a conclusion. We cleared up the grey and made things black and white. Now I feel like I miss the greys. Because then, I would have a reason to call him. Now, we have decided that we like eachother. But is that it? We shall 'see how it goes'? Let time tell? But why is there no effort from him, to even get to know me more? Or does he assume that I'll be out on Friday, as usual, and that we'll bump into eachother, as usual? And that I'll make a fool of myself... as usual!

I want to let him know that I think of him. That I want more than just to 'bump into each other', the 'occasional text' and 'drinks sometime'. But I agreed, that I don't want something serious either. So in my self contradiction. I fell into HIS manipulating hands, and HIS game.

I thought there was something worth holding onto. Something in his tone, his probing questions, his devious traps, that made me think, for a moment, that he might want something more... Something significant. This pacified me for a few days.

But now I'm wondering if he was simply playing a game... That it was all an act. That he wasn't as insecure as he seemed, or as I intepreted. Am I always supposed to do all the dirty work? Am I the one who has to 'prove myself'. That I'm not just playing with him.

Why can't I simply forget about it? Because I haven't been attracted to someone, in this way, in a long time. And I'm not willing to give up on it because he's such a hard nut to crack.

THAT's it. He thinks my goal is to CRACK him and then I'll get bored and move on. I don't WANT to do that. But the fact that he shows such little interest might make me want to give up and move on ANYWAY.

Perhaps that's what he's doing. Testing me... I'm up for the challenge. No way am I giving up now josé!

I know I'm exposing myself far too much. But I've looked before leaping. I've seen that dark ravine with only a faint shimmer to indicate what might be at the bottom.

Leaping now.

A bientôt


Girl of Desires said...

u have just taken out the feelings from my heart and put dem in the only PERFECT words!!


lucky_me said...

Hi, Sorry about taking so long to respond to you. I've been very busy with school since its my last few weeks and i'm overwhelmed with deadlines etc. If you need any help send me an email at I know how hard it is when you feel no one understands and i'm lucky enough to have people who understand me like they were a part of me.. Don't hesitate to shoot me a mail when u feel down or whenever. Take care. Be strong! xx