Thursday, October 30, 2008

The real end to a chapter...

I'm not sure how many of you who come across my blog understand french. But the previous post was for me more than anyone else. It's my way of finally closing a very important chapter of my life. It had to be in french because that was the language that was the most prominent during that period.
After 7 months, I have finally let go... Of everything, the good and the bad... I have let go, but i will not forget, at least the good.
Now I am ready for the next chapter of my life, whatever it may be, with whomever it may be, in whichever language it may be...
BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!
:)
A bientôt

An ode to 'Bou'

Le jour qu'on s'est rencontré j'aurai jamais cru que je serai avec toi presque trois ans..

C'etait le jour de la sortie de Harry Potter et les Prince de sang-mêlé. J'ai été triste.. Je voulais pas rester avec les autres. Tu as pris mon portable parceque tu voulais pas que j'appel ma mere pour venir me chercher. Ce jour là t'étais simplement un ami de Jericho qui ressembait un peu à Brendan.

Et puis je suis arrivé en France, je connassais personne, je m'ennuiyais chez Cathy, et là on a commencé de parler... parceque Camille m'a dit que tu m'as trouvé jolie.. Je me suis dit: voila, un mec qui va m'occuper un peu jusqu'à la rentrée. On a parlé des heures et des HEURES sur msn! Jusqu'à 3/4h du matin, et toi t'avais cours le lendemain. Je m'en souviens plus de qoui on parlait, mais surement de tout et de n'importe quoi. Et puis quelques jours avant que je sois parti à la fac, t'as demandé à Camille de m'écrire un petit mot en disant "Never underestimate the power of BLUE". C'est quelquechose que je t'ai dit par rapport à mon couleur preféré. Je savais ce que tu voulais dire. Et ce jour là, on est allé à St Emilion pour la journée. Et quand je regardais le paysage devant moi, je voulais que tu sois avec moi pour le voir. C'est en ce moment là que j'ai decidé de sortir avec toi...

Au bout de 2ans et demi on a beaucoup changé, beaucoup grandi; physiquement et mentalement. Je suis devenu vachement plus indépendante, j'avais vachement plus de confiance en moi et enfin, je me trouvais belle. Au début c'était dans tes yeux, et puis c'était dans le regard des autres et finalement dans le miroire...

Tu as decouvert que t'as le capacité de faire ce que tu voulais, t'as réussi le Bac que t'as dit que tu vas pas pouvoir faire. T'es devenu vachement ambitieux. Tu voyais loin et haut. J'étais contente pour toi, et tu as dit que tout ça c'etait grâce à moi.. Tu m'as mis sur un piédestale. J'étais belle, intelligente, sexy et drôle, tout ce que tu voulais. J'étais parfaite. Même dans mes defauts.

Mais je n'étais pas parfaite, j'étais devenu rebèle! Je voulais tout essayer.. Je voulais tester mes limites... Les limites de cette rélation à distance qu'on menait. En même temps j'ai pas croisé la ligne. Je restais dans les choses banales.

Et puis tu m'as quitté. Pas pour une autre fille, mais pour un autre pays... Pour aller à l'autre bout du monde. Tu m'as laissé toute seule en France. Toi qui étais là pour moi depuis le tout début, toi qui a été ma famille, mon copain, mon amant, mon filet de sécurité... J'étais détruite.

C'était dûr au début, et puis petit à petit je me suis habitué. Je me suis trouvé avec une nouvelle indépendance. T'étais plus là pour me tenir au bon côté du ligne... mais je l'ai pas traversé... J'étais toujours attaché à toi.

Et puis tu m'as trahis!!!! TOI que j'ai étais SUR de la fidélité Toi ,qui jurais ton amour tout les jours. Toi, la personne dans laquelle j'ai mis tout mon confiance.. Tu m'as trahis. Biensur, je t'ai trahis dans certains façons mais ce que TOI t'as fais je pouvais pas oublier.

On s'est pardonné. On voulais rester ensemble. C'était trop bien ce qu'on avait pour le gâcher...

Et puis j'ai traversé la ligne... Je pouvais plus retourner en arrière. J'ai même pas culpabilisé. Je me suis convaincu que c'était une phase et que ça n'avait rien avoir avec mes sentiments pour toi. J'étais "géographiquement célibataire" donc je pouvais faire tout ce que je voulais.
Mon âme est devenu si corrompu que ça m'a pas derangé de te mentir à la geule. De t'appeler du lit d'un autre...

Et un jour, je suis allé plus loin. Je me sentais bien avec un des mes conquêtes. Il n'étais pas simplement le remède pour une manque. Je t'ai dit ''Je t'aime, à demain'' sans vraiment le croire.
C'est à ce moment là que j'ai compris que j'étais plus amoureuse de toi. J'aimais ce qu'on avait. C'etait sur, c'etait stable. Mais NON j'avais une fausse sens de sécurité. Je me trompais en te trompant.

J'ai enfin eu le courage de dire ''c'est fini'' mais pas le courage de faire fàce aux conséquences... Je me suis caché.

T'étais véners! C'est normal.

T'es devenu FOU! C'était pas normal, mais c'était dans ta personnalité. Je le savais déjà.

J'étais encore plus sur de ma décision.

Tu me manquais... Mais j'étais toujours sur de ma décision.

J'ai fait tombé TOUT les chaines qui me retenait! Je me suis lâchée! J'étais sans scrupules... Je voulais m'amuser et rien ne pouvais m'arreter... Je me suis caché derrière cette liberté.

Je suis rentrée à la maison. Là où j'ai tellement de souvenirs de toi. Tu me manquais... Mais j'étais toujours sur de ma décision.

Le temps s'est passé...

T'es devenu mon ex psychotique. Tu ne me manquais plus.

Je suis sur de ma décision.

Je t'ai aimé, je t'ai blessé. Je vais maintenant continuer avec ma vie.

Adieu Bou

Sâches qu'en dépit de tout, je t'oublierai jamais...

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

But but but but... nothing!

Alors, I met up with new boy again last night. We were supposed to go out for dinner, but he had fainted at work, so not feeling so good (probably some food poisoning cuz he ate some wayside kottu). So after my classes, i went over. It's still a bit awkward. He's so different from the immature guys i've been with. We talked about all sorts of things, his work, my work, his degrees.. all sorts of things. Obviously when he started talking about working and degrees i felt like a total CHILD! But that was all me, he wasn't patronizing in any way. He's very polite, and 'gentlemanly'. That's my way of saying that we did NOT start making out till AFTER dinner! And we waited QUITE a bit for the room service guys to come! (BTW room service is GREAT!) Even then, he was so careful, he didn't 'explore' the way that i was used to.. The making out was indeed very hot but well, it didn't go all the way... i guess it's cuz on our first date i said i wanted to take things slow.. ARGH stupid me!
And then there's the fact that he's so NOT hot! But somehow i still feel attracted to him! I know that i shouldn't obsess over this! The thing is thati'm SUCH a sucker for a pretty face, and i totally DISMISS unhot guys! I've done it SO many times. I know he's not hot, but the sweetness, the tenderness, and inteligence, the understanding it all attracts me in a way that i never thought possible. I'm growing up..
So i guess i've had the hot guys, now it's onto the nice guys.. And nice he is! Not nice is the 'oh he's nice' casual way. But in the he's really NICE way... It's amazing to have him holding me.. *sigh*
Then there's the part of me that's scared. What if this is a phase i'm going through. I'll probably cruelly dump him the moment i finally meet a hot guy in SL.. (fat chance! but u never know..) I don't want to hurt anyone again.. Especially someone who cared for me. I suppose I'm overanalysing this as usual, and i should just go with the flow and see where this takes me.
But I can't help myself.. This is just so simple and sweet.. When i was waiting for my taxi to take me home, i was sleepy, so i laid my head on his lap, and stretched out on the couch, and we were talking, about banalities... I closed my eyes, and kept on talking. Oh yea we were talking about how we would switch back and forth from english to french without realising it.. Lying there on his lap, his fingers gently caressing my forehead, my hair, me caressing his hand which was on my waist.. It was one of those moments that felt so perfect in because of it's simplicity. The silent understanding between two people, of different cultures, countries, age groups.. I felt at peace. This is right.
So i might have said "but" quite a few times in this post BUT despite my confusion i know that i have to give this a chance. That 'moment' was too special to have been nothing!

A bientôt

Sunday, October 26, 2008

New boy?

Ok so well, i had a few frenchies vying for my affections this last week, and well i met up with one of them last night... and i think there's definite possibilities... OK i MIGHT have scared him saying all sorts of personal stuff like how i feel like running away from him, and how i find being with him weird etc... bt i want those things to be out there. If he thinks i'm too much to handle, it's his loss!
I really like talking to him, being close to him, being held and kissed by him. I don't know how this'll progress. But this time, it's not a pretty boy who i only want one thing with.. It's a smart, funny, tender and charismatic man!
Oh well, maybe i'm getting ahead of it all. But then again, i sent him a text saying get in touch if ur up for some more weirdness... And he sed that he's pretty confident that he is! :D
I'm happy.. In a way that's very strange... Though it shudn't be.
Ahhh we'll see.. i gotta get this silly grin off my face! :D

A bientôt

Thursday, October 23, 2008

He still thinks about the memories of the 9m² à Pessac...

How is it possible for someone who has apparently 'moved on', and who has had at least 2 relationships since the one with me, STILL think about it? Perhaps, when you love someone so deeply, you can't completely erase them from your thoughts and feelings, even after 7 months!
It's sad though, the only time i think, or talk of him is when i want to protect myself from making the same mistakes i did with him... I guess i still DO have some leftover feelings for him.. a few spoonfuls of pity..

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

At the touch of a pianist... i found my strength!

Those expert fingers sliding across my skin, my shoulder, my back my arms, my hands, my fingers.. As if searching for the right note..
Looking for the perfect combination on keys to play a melody into my heart.
So eager to please, so persistent, so keen to find the right chord to strike, to make my heart leap.
Hard to resist, feeling notes being played that sound so perfect but a melody that is sadly discordant.
Those expert fingertips, so sensitive and beautiful, my skin feels honored to have felt them, my heart feels sad to have rejected them.
But the tune was wrong, those hands will fly away and all that i will be left with, would be the piercing cry of a shattered heart string.
The strength to deny the joys of being played by those expert fingers.. i found.
Drained the very last drop of strength from my being to stop that expert touch.
Those expert fingertips, the perfect hands, were in mine once, even for a second.
So when i see them sliding and gliding across the keyboard, i won't be jealous of those black and white pieces of wood.. anymore.
For i know what it feels like to be a piano, to be touched by those gifted fingers!
Maybe one day, when the time is right, i shall feel the touch of a pianist again... and let myself be played.

Monday, October 20, 2008

J'adore le français!

WOOOOOO I am happy happy happy!!!!! Despite being very DEAD outside! But i guess it's the inside that counts huh? I LOVE meeting new people, speaking french and acting again! And the last few days i was able to do all that! So despite the lack of sleep, I'm so CONTENTE! Ca fait longtemps que j'ai pas senti aussi apaisé que ca... Whereas my life is pretty stressful! It's totally contradictory but oh well it feels like i'm finally settling in! And the ambasador seems to really like me! :P It's always good to have an important guy in ur fan club! Haha!! Not to mention a possy of french guys!
Neways after that really depressing one i put up, felt like i need to liven things up on my blog!
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!! I LOVE SPEAKING FRENCH!!!!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Energized!



The waves of the ocean is a source of amazing power! Be it the power to destroy lives and create havoc like we saw four years ago, or be it to create an alternative energy source as I learnt from a certain Scottish mechanical engineer... As an island girl, for me, the ocean waves have the power to reach into my very core and energize me in a way that nothing else can! It soothes my soul, and apeases me and rocks me to a soft slumber from which i awaken with a feeling of rebirth. The worries that were in my head, washed away by the gentle yet forceful waves. My bruised and hardened heart was healed by its soft caress.

After a lovely day at the beach it seems like i have been renewed. Energized! I have finally gotten out of this strange funk that i've been smothering in for the last few weeks... I feel like i can conquer the WORLD!!!

One thing that bothers me is that being there reminded me of my ex, i kept hearing things he had told me about when he had been at that place, a few months before he met me, how he had hooked up with this Sri Lankan girl, and i felt myself looking for him... But what i realised is that i have forgotten his face, i remember him only as a tall white guy with broad shoulders and black hair... I guess it's normal... and good :) He's finally out of my head! It takes 7 months to forget 2 and a half years... It takes longer to get the stories he told me out!

Un jour je le verrai et je vais plus pouvoir le reconnaitre... C'est marrant comment ça marche nos souvenirs... Je m'en souviens plus de l'histoire qu'il m'a raconté que de lui...

Well i still had a great time at the beach and his stupid story couldn't stop that!

Back to work!

A bientôt

ps: The waves didn't seem to have the power to wash my pedophilic thoughts out! It didn't help that my brother kept saying what a great sufer the 15 year old was! UGH

Monday, October 13, 2008

Re-Pédophile!

AIE!!!! J'en ai marre!!!!
Ok What I thought would die down with time, has NOT died down! I had the most amazing dream this morning, just before i woke up... And YES it was about a 15 year old half french, brown haired (OMG i knew him when he hair was still BLOND), brown eyed, very tanned cutie!
I am officially a WEIRDO! And though i thought i'll b able to be 'good', it's harder than i thought! At least being bad is even harder cuz i never seem to find the type of guy I like (and when i do, he's 15!)

STOOOOPP!!!!

Positive thinking : I WILL find someone to ease my pain!

And it will NOT take too long (please please please!)

A bientôt
(if i'm not in jail...)

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Pedophile Alert!

No, I haven't come across a real pedophile in Colombo and want to alert the whole world about it!
Unless of course I count myself! Considering I have not seen any interesting guys in Sri Lanka since i got here, and with the frustration that has been building up, I seem to have developed pedophelic tendencies.
Let me explain. Last weekend I went to a function at which I ran into and hung out with one of my best friends' brother. I have known him since he was 5 years old and have thought of him as nothing more than an annoying child. But in the 3 years that I have not seen him, he has gone through the usual teenage growth spurt that at a tender age of 15 he looks GOOD!
And i can't stop thinking about him since! Thinking very naughty thoughts...
The worst part is that he's actually a year younger than my own brother! And I have to admit that I flirted with him considerably throughout the weekend. I feel so guilty about these 'inappropriate' thoughts, and especially since he's my friend's brother, and taking into consideration that I've seen him grow up, and he's practically a brother to me, and of course, he's 15!!!!
I haven't told this particular bit of information to anyone of my friends because 1. I don't want to come across as being frustrated (though i probably am) 2. It feels like if i admit it to someone, it'll actually be worse than it is.

I suppose i'm overeacting. But is it NORMAL to have these thoughts? These day dreams?

Oh well i suppose they'll die down... with time...

A bientôt