Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Tous des cons!

This has been something me and my best friend have been saying for a long time - they're all assholes. By 'they' we obviously mean BOYS (of all ages!). It started out as venting out frustrations about respective boyfriends. Then we just realised be it boyfriends, fathers, brothers, friends, strangers, they're all assholes. I used to say that my ex was an asshole that I love. But an asshole nonetheless. 

I was reminded of this because last weekend I ran into one such asshole, in all his glory. Actually, he was the first guy I thought was cute this semester when I saw him at the first party of the year. I asked for his number, and texted a bit but he didn't seem too interested and i found out he had a girlfriend back in Switzerland so I just gave up. Anyhow, a few weeks ago i noticed him flirting with me, but i was too into my guy friend at the time so didn't pay much attention to him. But on Saturday I was out on a whim with only my flatmate and bumped into him. Again he was very flirty. I knew for a fact that his girlfriend had been to visit not more than a month ago. But after a dozen or so drinks i didn't care. He was cute, I was drunk, I'd been 'good' for more than a month, so I gave into temptation. The next morning as I groggily opened my eyes to find him next to me, I realised I didn't really like him anymore. I was merely happy I had gotten what I wanted that first party of the year. 

And then I remembered his girlfriend. Now, he's not the first guy I've been with who i knew was in a relationship. Initially I used to feel guilty about it. But now i feel like it is not I who have to feel guilty but them. I didn't force them into a romp with me. On the contrary, the pleasure was almost all theirs. 

However, it does make them total ASSHOLES! 

I've known what it's like to be cheated on. I've known what it's like to have someone many thousand miles away who betrayed my love. I've also known what it's like to be the one betraying love. I was hurt by the former and I've felt guilty of the latter. Both are feelings that I would rather not go through again, and those that I wouldn't wish on anyone else. But it still doesn't make me regret sleeping with the very cute blue eyes blondie on Saturday! :) 

Maybe that makes me as much of an asshole as the guys I slander with my best friend. It doesn't matter. We all know that guys can never keep it in their pants! 

On a different tone, despite the fact that boys are such assholes, I know that I miss being close to one, sharing things, letting myself trust and having sex that actually means something. I know it doesn't come just because I want it. But at least now I feel more open to the idea. I don't deny that it scares me. But I'd like to feel that. I'd like to take that risk again. 

Like a very good friend once said to me; love is like the wind, you don't feel it when you run after it. But when you stop, you will feel it all around you. 

A bientôt

Sunday, March 14, 2010

The neverending script

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm doing the right thing. Whether I truly am supposed to be a lawyer. Maybe I'm pursuing the wrong career. I've always wanted to write. Ever since I was a child I have had a fascination for stories. I was a bookworm and as a grew older my love for reading grew. My love for stories lead me down the eventual path of writing them myself. I've written poetry, prose, short stories and I've even started writing a novel (which i never finished and is now buried somewhere with my old diaries). 

I know that I'm good at telling stories. I love it. People who listen to them love hearing me. It might be racy stories about my sexcapades or fantasy about elves and goblins for my kid cousins. It's never been about what kind of story, but about telling something that is close to me. Stories come from what you experience. They might be something you've experienced first hand, or something a friend or an acquaintance has gone through. But the best stories come from your imagination. You're imagination takes your experiences, anything that has gone through your mind, that your eyes have seen, your senses have felt, and processes them and churns out stories that can range from utterly ridiculous to supremely profound. 

I suppose the best kind of stories are the ones that you lived. Shakespeare said that all the world's a stage and we are merely actors. I think that each actor is also his own playwrite. He can try his best to memorize his dialogue but the one sure thing is that he can never be one hundred percent certain what the other actor might say. So the play of life is a constant improvisation. Sometimes you're tempted to write little skits imagining what the other actor or actors might say. I know I do it all the time. I enjoy these little stories that I have in my head. Sometimes they include people around me, in circumstances that might be possible. Then sometimes they include people i might never meet and circumstances i hope will never happen. Either way I love those stories. Some could go on for weeks, some only last a few days. But the common thread in these stories is me. Because I can put myself in circumstances that I can only dream about, in opportunities that I wish were real, and those which i'm too scared to make true. 

When i was younger my mom used to say i lived in a dream world. She would catch me staring out into nothingness, oblivious to whatever she might be saying. I am much more conscious these days about my day dreaming, and my acting talents have only improved with age. But my mother was right. I did live in a dream world, and i still do. But the extent to which i live there, the duration, the intensity depends on what my real life is at that moment. Right now, my real life feels tedious and boring. So I retreat further and further into my dreamworld. The down side to this is that further i go, more i leave behind those in the real world. I isolate myself in my day dreams pushing away all human contact. 

Most who have met me think I'm very extroverted. Little do they know how much of an introvert I am... 

However i do crave company. Yet it's always hard to do something about it. Because it's oh so comfortable in the dream world. Everything i want to hear, want to feel, want to have, is there. 

I could go on about this for a very long time. 

Unfortunately, 40% of my grade depends on the paper I have to submit tomorrow. How I wish I could make up a story about Competition Law! 

A bientôt

Thursday, March 11, 2010

A friend like me...

I always come back to this blog when I'm not feeling very well. It's very cathartic to write down your emotions in black and white. In this case, red and white! Its easier to understand what exactly you are feeling, the how and the why, and what you can do to change it when its in front of you as plain as day. I've been doing this for a long time now. I still write in my journal. Admittedly not as often as i used to. But this blog is like a journal to me. One that is public yet private because of the veil of anonymity. 

I have been feeling very lonely recently. Maybe I'm missing my family. Maybe I'm being hormonal because it's that time of the month. Maybe I'm just feeling lonely because I am alone. 

What is really bothering me these days is that I like a friend in a more than friendly way. There's always been something, from the beginning of our friendship. And I have dismissed it several times because I didn't want to cross a line. But it's never been this strong. When I'm with him, I feel like myself. I feel like I don't have to pretend. The irony is that I DO pretend. I pretend to just be his friend. 

Last night would have been a perfect opportunity to tell him about my feelings. But i didn't. I was drunk as a fish which would have been an ideal excuse. But I didn't! I was all over him, despite other guys flirting and dancing with me, i kept going back to him. I was jealous when he was flirting with other girls. Then somehow i ended up going home with some other guy! I know it's because of my self preservation mechanism. I'd rather be with some random guy i couldn't care less about than admit to feelings about someone i DO care about. Because i'm scared. I'm scared he doesn't reciprocate. I'm scared because we're going to separate in a few months and i'm scared to lose a good friend. 

For someone who's so cocky and confident, i'm such a chicken! 

I know there's only one thing i can do.

Just keep on pretending. Because my walls are stronger than even the strongest drink. And I will never be able to look at him and tell it sober. What's the point anyway? I'd rather like him and never know what he feels than be disappointed. There go my walls! Self preservation just comes naturally. 

I just have to enjoy my solitude. Focus on what is most important right now; my education. 

Speaking of. I need to go to the library. 

A bientôt surement

UPDATE: I just realised that friendship is far more important than anything we might have in the few months that we have left. And my rule of never sleeping with friends isn't something I should break. Some rules aren't meant to be broken. I'll get over him. There'll be others...  :)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Hé Ho! What's going on here?

Although i haven't been posting for the past couple of months I've been coming to my blog almost every other day to check out my list of guilty pleasures... But today i was feeling nostalgic and i started rereading some of my old posts and lo and behold what do i see? People commenting??? Following me?? 

Took me a while to wrap my head around it! If you've been reading then you'll know that i decided to stop posting and the last 2 posts were basically last resort actions to allow me to sort things out in my head. 

Anyhow thank you for the lovely comments. I can't say I'll start writing again. Although MANY things have happened, and many things and guys have been done since last october... 

However I will update on the last 2 guys i blogged about. The french guy was a complete douche, I saw him a few times when i was out, even had the nerve to come say hi once. But that's it. I move on fast if you haven't noticed. 

The Danish DJ. Well things didn't stop there. He never got in touch with me because he has his own issues. He apologized when i confronted him about it, and i think he was sincere. And obviously I had a few amazing nights with him before we said good bye before christmas break. But little did i know that i would see him again... The night he flew back to denmark last january i saw him, we met up for Shisha, made out, talked about his travels over christmas. He's actually a nice guy. Obviously we were both very frustrated that we couldn't do what we do best together... But it was a nice last chapter to that story. 

Right now i've decided to take a break from my wild ways, because to be honest, I'M BORED of it! I don't want anything serious, neither do i want something mindless. My friends who've heard me say this before just roll their eyes and say "whatever you say"... We'll see how long it lasts. 

A bientôt peut être...