Thursday, March 11, 2010

A friend like me...

I always come back to this blog when I'm not feeling very well. It's very cathartic to write down your emotions in black and white. In this case, red and white! Its easier to understand what exactly you are feeling, the how and the why, and what you can do to change it when its in front of you as plain as day. I've been doing this for a long time now. I still write in my journal. Admittedly not as often as i used to. But this blog is like a journal to me. One that is public yet private because of the veil of anonymity. 

I have been feeling very lonely recently. Maybe I'm missing my family. Maybe I'm being hormonal because it's that time of the month. Maybe I'm just feeling lonely because I am alone. 

What is really bothering me these days is that I like a friend in a more than friendly way. There's always been something, from the beginning of our friendship. And I have dismissed it several times because I didn't want to cross a line. But it's never been this strong. When I'm with him, I feel like myself. I feel like I don't have to pretend. The irony is that I DO pretend. I pretend to just be his friend. 

Last night would have been a perfect opportunity to tell him about my feelings. But i didn't. I was drunk as a fish which would have been an ideal excuse. But I didn't! I was all over him, despite other guys flirting and dancing with me, i kept going back to him. I was jealous when he was flirting with other girls. Then somehow i ended up going home with some other guy! I know it's because of my self preservation mechanism. I'd rather be with some random guy i couldn't care less about than admit to feelings about someone i DO care about. Because i'm scared. I'm scared he doesn't reciprocate. I'm scared because we're going to separate in a few months and i'm scared to lose a good friend. 

For someone who's so cocky and confident, i'm such a chicken! 

I know there's only one thing i can do.

Just keep on pretending. Because my walls are stronger than even the strongest drink. And I will never be able to look at him and tell it sober. What's the point anyway? I'd rather like him and never know what he feels than be disappointed. There go my walls! Self preservation just comes naturally. 

I just have to enjoy my solitude. Focus on what is most important right now; my education. 

Speaking of. I need to go to the library. 

A bientôt surement

UPDATE: I just realised that friendship is far more important than anything we might have in the few months that we have left. And my rule of never sleeping with friends isn't something I should break. Some rules aren't meant to be broken. I'll get over him. There'll be others...  :)


9 comments:

αnόόρ Łαкнєяα said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Life's a Bee!! said...

He's going away soon & you will loose him as a friend anyway...so why not just tell him now? The worst that can happen is that you will know the truth (scary thought I know) but at least you'll be able to rest. You're worrying about it now anyway & you don't even know what he'll say!! You might as well worry about it for real.

Cyndi said...

Hi! I was browsing blogs; for new 'blogger friends' & i was struck by yours; because I agree with your outlook on blogging and the reason you do it! [ =

Katherine said...

I know you don't know me or me you....but my advice in most situations like this would be to follow your heart & your instincts...the rest will happen on it's own. Whatever happens after that is what was meant to be.

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Miss Brenda said...

What a tough situation to be in! I've been in that type of situation before and it was so heartbreaking for me. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and what is meant to be will be.

Here for you -
Brenda

Slakk said...

Oh-- You've got to tell him!
Just get drunk and seduce him.
If its meant to be, then cool.
If he turns into a weirdo asshole, then whatever.
There will always be other friends.
If he values your friendship as much as you do, he won't let a little sex and steaminess ruin it.
Go rock his world girl!

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Liquiddaze said...

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