Losing Control

Ironically, the last time I felt like writing, I was inspired by an article on control. Tonight, what has inspired me is the manner in which I have lost control. I have lost control of my emotions in a way that I have thought would not be possibly any more. But yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have fallen for someone. Maybe I've exgerrated the emotions in my unconcious ability for creating drama in my life. Nonetheless, there are emotions, and I have lost control. Where I would be calm and never let my emotions run asunder, I have been excitable and let my emotions be as clear as day. To myself, to the one who is the recipient of such emotions, and frankly anyone who is around me at any time of the day. Because these emotions are with me every second of every day. I think of him, every second of every day. I have no control whatsoever. I try. Oh god yes I try. But my heart has somehow managed to short circuit the line my brain and my rationality has to it. Just a few weeks ago, there was a clear and uninterrupted line. But now, all my brain hears is the thump thump of a heart beating uncontrollably fast.

Even when I tell myself that I can get hurt, the pain is not the kind of deterrant that it used to be. My heart says, "I don't care, I would rather feel this way even if he does not feel the same". But that makes so sense whatsoever. It's evident that my brain is the one that is writing this post desperately hoping that written word would be a better way of communicating with the heart. We all know how the written word affects the heart.

Emotions, heart, the words I use show the very lack of control I am trying to explain. And it is wonderful. The way his hair falls over his eyes and how he brushes it away. The way his lips part in a smile so cheeky yet so honest. How his eyes are so soft and kind. How the way he kisses my neck runs shivers all through my body. Ahhh... there you go, the heart has taken the keys.

I feel like a schizopreniac! It's like these two parts of me are at war. Both do not want to give over their position. But right now, the heart is winning... however hard the brain is fighting.

The fact is, I haven't let the heart lose control in a very long time. It may be time that it did... just to see where it may wander. It might come home with bruised knees and a muddy shirt. But bruises heal and the shirt can be washed. But the stories of the adventures of my uncontrollable heart, now those may be worth the pain.

In business, one needs to gamble, take risks, but it's upto the lawyers to let the businessmen know what those risks are so that they can take a calculated risk. In the end though, it's a matter of faith and of gut feeling. This isn't business, this is about emotions however the same principles apply.

It's a matter of faith and of gut feeling. I have faith. And my gut feeling tells me to try.

Let's see...

Go forth little heart, leave the safety of your golden cage, I will always be here to sooth your pain and rejoice in your happiness.

Signed - Brain.

Control

“Control is highly overrated. Most times we just need to get out of our own way.”

I just read that in an article on Huffington Post. As someone who tries to constantly be in control, who is scared or losing control and who cannot suffer being controlled, that quote somehow makes everything come into focus.

My obsession with control is getting in my own way. Woah that was difficult to write down. In fact, I typed different versions of that sentence starting with “Perhaps…”, “Maybe…”, “It seems like…”. But the truth is, there is no question about it, my obsession with control is getting in my own way. It was easier to write it the second time.

I have always been someone who needs control. As a child I was obsessive about controlling my environment. I used to torment everyone around to house to keep everything clean. I would not allow a speck of dust, one cobweb or a shirt lying around. I used to be a complete terror. Then I grew up and realized that I didn’t have as much time as I did as a 7 year old to spend on keeping the house in order. I let my room get messy during the week and cleaned up during the weekends. But one thing I always did was to make my bed. This was a small victory for the OCD kid in me. Although I let go of my need to control my environment, I found other ways to exercise control. Control of my emotions was something I discovered did not require any spare time. I could always control my emotions. This was not as easy as I thought it would be. I would keep my anger and frustration within me for so long, that there were moments when my floodgates would open and destroy everything around me. I remember a few occasions when I broke a chair or a friends pencil case at school. Unfortunately what I learnt from these blow ups was to become even more guarded and controlled with my emotions.

That control didn’t allow me to feel hurt, betrayed or depressed. I channeled these emotions into anger and frustration which festered inside me. But what the world saw was a bright, happy, sprightly and fun loving young girl. There were people who I allowed to get a peek inside me. They saw the sad little girl curled up in the corner of my soul nursing her wounds. There was nothing they could say to change me.

My habit of controlling my emotions prevented me from getting into situations where I would get hurt, betrayed or depressed because it was easier to prevent than control these emotions. They say prevention is better than cure, but perhaps that doesn’t quite apply in control. When it came to making a decision about school, I would rather stay at home than go and face any trouble. When it came to having feelings for a boy, I would rather keep them to myself than risk him not liking me back. When it came to trusting a new friend, I would rather keep the friendship superficial than tell any secrets that they could hold against me.

I may have lost out on a lot of things, got in my own way in a lot of things because I wanted to control my emotions so much. Not ‘may’, I HAVE lost out. I lost out on good friends, loving boyfriends, and rewarding situations.

On the other hand, when I could control the situation, and my emotions, I never hesitated to jump into things. If it meant getting drunk and doing something crazy like dance on a table in high heels, now that didn’t worry the control freak in me. Even if it meant a broken wrist. I may have been physically broken, but emotionally I was intact. It was the same with casual hookups. I didn’t need to be emotionally invested in a boy whose name I barely knew, as long as he was pretty and would pleasure me for a night. He can’t break my heart when I only gave him my body.

I did allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable once, but I never let go of my control. The control freak in me believed that he would cheat on me eventually, so it was alright to cheat on him first. The logic was that, it wouldn’t hurt when he did it, if I had done it first. That control freak was wrong. It stills hurts just as much, and made me feel terrible about myself because I had been as morally low as him. I kept blaming him for my emotional scarring, to hide the fact that I was also to blame. I didn’t control myself as much as I should have. So I upped the control. For the next few years, it was not about trust, caring and feelings, it was about lust, passion and pleasure.

So I got in the way of myself, I didn’t let anyone close to me, to see that I was actually a total softie. The tough girl, the sexy girl, the fun, exciting and crazy girl was what they saw. Then I realized that she was getting out of control. I was having too much fun, getting into too many compromising situations; she had to be reined in too. Then the serious girl was re-born. She of my school years, she who looked down upon those who ran around, played and laughed out loud. She was back, and this time she went to work. At work, I am in control of my image. I work hard, late and I’m passionate about my work. I’m in control of the fun girl, the party girl but also the softie. Sometimes the silly one would peek out in the lunch room conversations. But she was harmless.

Schizophrenic much?

Maybe just a little bit. I believe that all these parts of me exist simultaneously, but the control freak holds onto the reigns. She decides who comes out and who stays in. She is the one who is ‘highly overrated and gets in my way’.

“Hello all! I am a Control Freak.” If there was a CFA (Control Freaks Anonymous) that is what I would say. But there isn’t. Saying it out loud doesn’t make any difference. I don’t know what would. I have to change my personality, which I am not sure is possible at this point in my life. I am pretty settled in my beliefs and my perception of who I am. What I need is to make a choice. A choice about who I should give the reigns of my emotions to. I can neither give it to the softie, the control freak nor the fun girl. They would all lead me down different but difficult roads. I need to cure my schizophrenia and merge all these parts of myself, and accept that I am the sum of all these parts.

That’s easier written down that done. But at least it’s a start!

2011 - goal check

I have been a very very bad blogger. It's been almost 2 years since I last posted. I don't know why... but somehow blogging wasn't as cathartic as it first was.

 

Anyhow, I thought I would find my way back to blogging by giving a small update on 2011 since my last post was about my goals for the year.

 

- Zumba lessons

I did go for quite a few Zumba lessons, then I started on yoga, but I just had too much going on, and I stopped doing either.

 

- Movie

I didn't really do a movie.

 

- TV Commercial

I didn't do a TV Commercial either

 

BUT I did get paid about US$2000 for a modelling shoot! It was probably one of the weirdest experiences of my life... I did it with a friend, and well, the photographer was turned out to be quite dodgy. But the experience was worth it for sure!

 

- More French related stuff

In August 2011 I went to France with a french NGO called Secours Populaire as a translator for the a delegation in a youth camp. I was also helping out with the Fete de la Musique, and other activities at the Alliance.

 

- Article on Intellectual Property

Didn't do this sadly.

 

- Law College exams

FINALLY OVER! And i passed. Can't say I passed in flying colours but I passed and it's all that matters.

 

- Go to India (mumbai or delhi or both)

I DID this! I went to India December 2011 (Xmas and NYE), and went to Mumbai AND Delhi and even went to Jaipur! It was an amazing trip! I can't waito to go back again

 

- Grow hair longer and healthier

Just as I had wanted, my hair now covers my breasts, and it's lovely and long and healthy!

 

- More ME time

I'm not quite sure if I achieved this goal, but I'm sure I had some ME time.

 

- Learn Spanish

This again is something I did accomplish. I completed the begginners course in Spanish. Unfortunately I wasn't very happy with the teacher who was to teach the Intermediate course, so i stopped going for lessons.

 

- Fix teeth

This too has been done, although not in 2011, I finally went to the dentist and got a plate. I don't wear it as often as I want, but my teeth are on it's way to being completely fixed.

 

- Meet a man i can trust

NOPE! I did NOT meet a man I can trust, despite meeting quite a few men.

 

- WRITE

Obviously, as I didn't even write on my blog, I didn't write very much.

 

- fr/eng official Translator

As I said before, I was a translator for the youth camp in France. But I also did a translation for the PRESIDENT of the country who had a meeting with the head of a french NGO. It was an amazing experience!

 

All in all, I think i achieved more than half of the goals that i had set out. I think that's a pretty good tally!

 

 

Goals for 2011

It's another extremely slow and tiring day at work despite coming in at only 1.30 pm. The morning was interesting. I went for a screen test for a TV commercial and a potential movie. Walking up and down and turning left and right was all that was required for the commercial screen test but the movie required a bit more thought and effort. It had been a while since I did any improv so coming up with dialogues to suite the emotion changes that the director required was a bit difficult. Going from Happy to Sad to Angry, from Happy to Funny to Sarsactic... not the most elaborate direction to improvise on. But I think it wasn't too bad. The only problem was when I was asked to act in my mother tongue. It's quite shameful but when I'm not speaking to those who I associate witht the language (like my maid) I get a little accent :S To get over that hurdle I directed the dialogue to my maid. Clever little trick if i say so myself! Anyhow, it was quite an experience and we'll see where it goes.

Coming into work after that was EXHAUSTING! Doing nothing really is harder than doing work I think! It takes so much effort to fill up idle time but when you're busy, time simply flies by. So to fill up the minutes I decided to make a DRAFT list of things I would like to do in 2011.

Here goes, in no particular order -

- Zumba lessons
- Movie
- TV Commercial
- More French related stuff
- Article on Intellectual Property
- Law College exams
- Go to India (mumbai or delhi or both)
- Grow hair longer and healthier
- More ME time
- Learn Spanish
- Fix teeth
- Meet a man i can trust
- WRITE
- fr/eng official Translator
....

I think I'll add to the list before the end of the year but for now it seems like i have quite an event filled year ahead of me...

A l'an prochain!

Stronger...

Yet another year is coming to an end and here I am looking back at the past year. As usual I've done some crazy things, but on the whole, the year has been one in which I have grown up in many ways. I have become calmer and more settled. Although the travel bug still bites me now and again, I've come to terms with the fact that I have to be here for the next 2 years. I have a job that i like, even on slow and boring days like today I really appreciate it and feel lucky to be where I am. I'm doing, what i hope will be, the last exams for a few years. Though they will be long and tedious, I know it will be worthwhile. I have some good friends around me, and good friends all over the world who i love and trust. I am with my family, who I cherish despite all the differences I have with them and which they have with eachother.

Most of all, right now, as I write, I am mere feet away from my loveur! A is here on holiday and it's been about 10 days now, and she'll be here for another week but it still feels so surreal. To take her to places I love, places i hang out... It feels so amazing to share THIS part of my life with her and introduce her to people I have spoken about, and places i have described. I feel truly happy. Since the exams finished a few weeks ago, many things have been happening. But there is one that stands apart because it made me realise just how much I have grown up, just how sure I have become of what exactly I want.

I met a guy. A lovely guy just like the hypothetical one i describe at the end of my previous post. Only, there is one problem, he's English and he's only here for another 4 weeks. So, contrary to habit and my own gut feeling, I told him I dont want to see him anymore. I liked him so much after knowing him for barely 3 weeks and having been physical with him for 5 days, that I knew that after the next 4 weeks were over I would become truly attached to him. There is no hope whatsoever of anything lasting past that expiry date. Therefore I did the sensible, adult thing, and nipped it in the bud.

I can't say I wasn't gutted. What really hurt me was the fact that I find it SO hard to find someoneIi liked who I can really be myself with, and who likes me more for it, that I felt a wave of self-pity wash over me. Self pity is probably the worst of all feelings because it makes you feel so pathetic and I know that if i didnt have A with me, consoling me and repeating how i did the right thing, i probably would have gone running back to him!

Anyhow, after that initial wave of self pity, i felt self-assurance which is extremely empowering. I feel stronger for restraining myself and not following my instincts, because I DO deserve better than 4 weeks of happiness with a temporary lover. For once, I am ready to give up momentary satisfaction and patiently wait for something more long lasting.

Thus it is probably the biggest step towards growing up that I took this whole year. I am extremely proud of myself.

I'm also looking forward to the coming year. It feels like I have a lot of activity planned in addition to the months of gruelling exams. I feel hopeful and happy which has a lot to do with the fact that I'll be starting the year with someone I love next to me!

So I'm back to being my positive and happy self and I know there'll be much more happiness and positivity in the coming year.

Happy New Year to all!

A l'an prochain

I'm superficial, bitch! Deal with it!!

I'm usually such a positive person and that reflects on my writing. But the past couple of months i've noticed that i've been feeling sad and negative. Maybe i'm going through a bout of depression. 

I DON'T LIKE IT! 

Of course, who would LIKE being depressed i wonder. Anyhow, like the legendary Barney Stinson might say, "when i'm feeling sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead!". True story. 

I can't say that life has made this task easier. I'm currently studying for MORE exams. Exams which won't end till December 2011! But they're the most important exams in my career so far. After this, I'll be a fully fledged lawyer. I'll be able to go stand up in court and say, "Your Honour, I disagree!" Just like in the movies! 

But hopefully after my pupillage I won't have to sight a court, because that's not where I want my career to go. 

Enough of the shop talk. I need to get to the point. I think I've gotten used to talking AROUND the subject! How very lawyer-ish of me! 

It doesn't come with much surprise that I'm superficial. I'm superficial about the clothes I wear, the way i look, the people I associate, the places I go to, the way in which I live, the men i date and the way I want my life to be. I know that it's not proper to be so superficial. And that beauty is but skin deep, and that materialism isn't good etcetera etcetera etcetera. But do I really give a damn? N-O-N. PAS DU TOUT!! I can't apologize for who I am. I'm a good person. I do not have any qualms with the poor, the disabled, or i should say, the less fortunate and the differently-abled. I do what I can to help and I believe that when one has been lucky enough to blessed with plenty, one should give to those who aren't. I'm not all bad really! 

But in the way I 'run' (if i may use that word) my life, I am superficial. It's not that I look like a model, or that all my friends look like models, that all my ex's are models. But a significant percentage of my friends and ex's ARE. Just a few days ago, I was googling the Empty Australian who I had a fling with the beginning of the year. Apparently he's a model. I looked at his portfolio and HOT DAYM! Boy is B-E-A oootiful! I'd forgotten what a perfect male specimen he was. That got me thinking, and actually there are about 4 or 5 guy's i've had things with who actually model. And some who can model if they wanted to. 

When I was showing a friend the webpage of the Empty Australian, she said she didn't like guys like that. That he was 'too' beautiful. That i was superficial. I think she was just jealous and said so because she knows a guy like that will never chat her up! Am i being vain? You bet i am! Am i being realistic. OF COURSE. 

I'm superficial. But being superficial doesn't mean that i am shallow. True, guys like the Empty Australian whilst satisfying me Oh so very well physically, would never satisfy me on the long term. I need someone with personality, with charm, with wit, culture and style, someone adventurous, confident enough to be silly and make fun of himself, but still able to be sophisticated. In that description, did i even once mention HOT? NOPE. Because he doesn't have to look like a model if he has all those qualities. His personality will overshadow his physical attributes or any lack of such. I have met guys who come close to this. I have been hurt by guys who have come close to this. But I am yet to meet someone like this who will earn my trust. I know that somewhere beyond the superficiality lies someone who has a lot of ideals, principles and beliefs. Who says that a superficial person can't have deep thoughts? Superficial doesn't mean I'm STUPID! 

It just means I like to SEE beauty rather skin a person, metaphorically, to see their beauty! 

In conclusion, I'm superficial, bitch! Deal with it! 

A bientot 

Vingt-quatre et seule

24. Hours in a day. Two dozens. Years that have passed in my life. 

Sometimes it surprises me how much I've aged. Here I am in the room in which I grew up. The room my mother lulled me to sleep as a child, the room where I used to dream of growing up, of being a Big girl. Of being beautiful and having everything my small mind could think of. But at 24, I still don't have everything I dreamt of. Sure I have the education I wanted. But I'm still not done with it, not by a long shot! I'm alone. I don't have the boy that I dreamt of having as a little girl. There's no Ken to my Barbie. 

I feel SO alone sometimes I wish I could just let go of everything. I wonder what would happen if my life ended now. Right at this moment. I miss so many people. Sure I have my parents and my brother. I love my mother and my baby brother to bits. But they don't provide the companionship that I need. I miss my best friends. I miss HAVING a best friend just a phone call or a text or an IM away. I have friends here, sure, but none who I can really depend on to just drop everything and come to me when I need them. I know that my best friends would do that, if they didn't have so many oceans to cross to get here... 

I don't think what I need is really a boy. That's just a way to fill up my loneliness. I have work, I have exams to study for but what about when I don't want to think of any of those things? What do I have then? Just me, myself and I. 

I usually love being alone. Solitude is not something I fear. But there are times like these when I'd rather be surrounded by people. I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm depressed. I read somewhere that if you're dehydrated you get depressed. Maybe I'm dehydrated? I don't know... I wish I knew what I could do to make this right. 

I want to make new friends but my time is filled up with work and studying and family, I don't have time for anything else. I thought I'd made a new friend, but apparently he was looking for more than friendship. I HATE that! I can't spend time with him anymore knowing that. 

I'm twenty four years old and I feel alone. There aren't even 24 people in this country I can say are my friends. I'm SUCH a loser. For someone who seems so extroverted and fun, I'm a total loser. It's just that I don't let anyone notice. 

I'm ranting to no-one about feeling alone. Isn't that the ultimate loneliness? 

I guess it would be more useful for me to read a book. 

A bientôt