Sunday, May 26, 2013

Losing Control

Ironically, the last time I felt like writing, I was inspired by an article on control. Tonight, what has inspired me is the manner in which I have lost control. I have lost control of my emotions in a way that I have thought would not be possibly any more. But yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have fallen for someone. Maybe I've exgerrated the emotions in my unconcious ability for creating drama in my life. Nonetheless, there are emotions, and I have lost control. Where I would be calm and never let my emotions run asunder, I have been excitable and let my emotions be as clear as day. To myself, to the one who is the recipient of such emotions, and frankly anyone who is around me at any time of the day. Because these emotions are with me every second of every day. I think of him, every second of every day. I have no control whatsoever. I try. Oh god yes I try. But my heart has somehow managed to short circuit the line my brain and my rationality has to it. Just a few weeks ago, there was a clear and uninterrupted line. But now, all my brain hears is the thump thump of a heart beating uncontrollably fast.

Even when I tell myself that I can get hurt, the pain is not the kind of deterrant that it used to be. My heart says, "I don't care, I would rather feel this way even if he does not feel the same". But that makes so sense whatsoever. It's evident that my brain is the one that is writing this post desperately hoping that written word would be a better way of communicating with the heart. We all know how the written word affects the heart.

Emotions, heart, the words I use show the very lack of control I am trying to explain. And it is wonderful. The way his hair falls over his eyes and how he brushes it away. The way his lips part in a smile so cheeky yet so honest. How his eyes are so soft and kind. How the way he kisses my neck runs shivers all through my body. Ahhh... there you go, the heart has taken the keys.

I feel like a schizopreniac! It's like these two parts of me are at war. Both do not want to give over their position. But right now, the heart is winning... however hard the brain is fighting.

The fact is, I haven't let the heart lose control in a very long time. It may be time that it did... just to see where it may wander. It might come home with bruised knees and a muddy shirt. But bruises heal and the shirt can be washed. But the stories of the adventures of my uncontrollable heart, now those may be worth the pain.

In business, one needs to gamble, take risks, but it's upto the lawyers to let the businessmen know what those risks are so that they can take a calculated risk. In the end though, it's a matter of faith and of gut feeling. This isn't business, this is about emotions however the same principles apply.

It's a matter of faith and of gut feeling. I have faith. And my gut feeling tells me to try.

Let's see...

Go forth little heart, leave the safety of your golden cage, I will always be here to sooth your pain and rejoice in your happiness.

Signed - Brain.