Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Blind date

After a few months in the land like no other, and lots of complaining to my friends about the lack of man candy or any interesting man at all, I was convinced by a friend to go on a blind date with a guy she thought was 'suitable'. And of course I agreed, being a blind date virgin, but having heard about the concept. I thought that it'll be extremely funny and awkward, and would make a hilarious story to tell my friends!
BUT it didn't exactly follow that plan...
Of course when he came to pick me up at home, it was awkward... then the ride in the cab to the restaurant felt like a job interview, but only for a few minutes... It soon became an easy chat. He took me to a very nice restaurant i had been wanting to go, let me order my favorite wine, and talked about so many things that i've lost track of the exact subjects. And eventually, as the Rosé started to flow, we started talking about relationships, ex's, view on life, on society, on sex drugs and alcohol... It seemed so natural at the time that i shared my views and my experiences. But it's only in retrospect that i realise that i told this complete stranger very personal details about my life, that i only share with a handful of friends.

Now that it has been a few days since the 'date', i realise that i didn't flirt with him at all, i talked and talked and talked, and never made any conscious attempts to flirt and be coy... I don't this i even remember his face very well... all i remember is how well i was able to talk with him.

What is amazing, is that only a few weeks ago, i was telling a guy friend, how well i talk with him, and how sad it is that i seem to never find a guy i like who i can talk to in that very open way...
and then i go on a blind date with the perfect guy, but who i don't know if i can like because i've always thought that if you can talk well with a guy, that it's simply friendship...

On the other hand, i felt absolutely no 'like' for him, no chemistry... i don't want to slowly 'start' liking a guy. I want to like a guy IMMEDIATELY!!!!

I suppose that i should stop obsessing over this...

But i started reading the 'Secret' and i feel like if i really want him, i can get him... (well i knew that already, this makes it more possible!)

The thing is that, i dunno if i really want him!!! Oh god i suppose i should just let things fall into place like they always do...

A bientôt

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Walking towards the light

Like I said in my previous post, I was at a point in my life where I didn't know who I was anymore. Talking to a few friends, I noticed, that this was a pattern in young adults all over the world. Whether it be the end of university or coming back from a year abroad, or simply after a bad break up, it seems that young adults in their early twenties, seem to feel like they have lost their identity. I think that this is mainly because we have only just begun to HAVE an identity, and these major changes affect us more, as our personalities are still in their raw, new-born stage. We are fragile and more susceptible to change.
But equally, I think that we are also more likely to adapt to change than those who might face such drastic changes in their lifestyle when they are thirty or above, when they have become WHO they are (I am generalizing here, I know that this is relative to each situation, and each person).

In my case, i went through an 'in between' phase where I was back home, yet despite the obviousness of the change I went through, I was still thinking as if i was at the fac!
So there I was, going crazy like I used to, in a country where it was not acceptable, under the scrutiny of family and society! I got into a few unfortunate pickles in the few weeks that I was in this 'phase', and they were significant enough for me to learn from them, and SHOCK me into reality - I am back home!
As a result of the high school I went to, I have been in a bubble, even the last few years that I lived here before moving abroad. Therefore, as well as being shocked out of the university mindset, I was also shocked into the reality of the society I was living in, and have to live in for the next year... and believe me when I say it, the latter shock was far worse!
I was living in a culture and society which had norms that I simply did NOT accept! I felt and still feel an outsider in my own country. This is something that I still cannot come to terms with, and which I have realized that I cannot do anything about. I cannot change a whole society, but I will not let society change me either. Hence the only solution that I came up with, was to compromise. I will continue to believe what I do, and yet accept the social and cultural norms, and not rebel against them. Although rebelling is exactly what i heartily wish to do!
Sadly, I have to survive in this jungle of norms for a year, and to protect myself and my family, as I cannot cut down the jungle, i am forced to create a bubble of indifference.

All this in the slow but steady walk towards the light... and the light is definitely looking a bit more like a flashlight than a firefly...
I have a job! Which I have now been doing for 2 months, though it started out slow, it has been slowly (sense a trend?) picking up.
I have started driving lessons as a small step towards physical freedom, which are slowly (now there's definitely a trend!) progressing as well.
I also will soon start a course on International Relations, a subject that I find fascinating, and which will probably have much importance in my future.
I will maybe (if it works out) join a youth group, as a small effort to change this society that I have been forced to bow down to! ("whoohooo!" says the rebel in me)

There might be a lack of speed in my progress, but I feel like I'd rather move at a very french snail's pace, than rush into the light and risk being blinded by it...
I hope that it is also possible to notice, that I am being pro active in my network building attempt as I am choosing situations where I will have to meet new people and enlarge my 'friend' base in this country!

I have even been able to get over the 'bla' attitude I have been having about guys, and admit attractions to not one but TWO different males.
Of course, being the confused, and messed up person I am, I see different things in each guy (one physical attraction and one intellectual one), which leads to the unfortunate situation of needing to FUSE the two to make someone that I would consider being worth my time and attention.
So, the realist in me has decided to leave things as they are and simply enjoy what I see in each boy. No need to complicate my current situation with unnecessary problems!

So here I am, looking at the flashlight, and following a snail trail towards it...

We'll see how it goes...

à bientôt

Monday, September 15, 2008

Fresh New Page

A fresh new page on a fresh new blog and a fresh new page in life... The two seem to go well together!

It is indeed a very fresh and very new page that i have turned in life three months ago. It has taken me all this time to be able to come out and face the fact that I'm going to be living here for at least another year. It was very hard at first, missing friends, missing the freedom of living alone (ie: without parents), missing a country where u can walk on the road without coming home with a layer of dust all over you or being almost run over by a crazy bus, where you can actually go about without seeing one soldier, or being asked for your ID at least once a day! The biggest difficulty I faced was dealing with just HOW MUCH has changed in my life!

A few months before i left, dumped my boyfriend of 2 and a half years (we were practically married)... and since then there have been a plethora of men in my life, none of whom meant a single thing to me!

So here i was, back living with my parents (dealing with all THEIR problems), alone - no boyfriend, no best friend living in the same city, no really close friends either, no plans on going back to a fac at the end of summer, no job and worst of all, NO idea who i was anymore!!!!

It's probably wrong to think that who you are is made up of what you do, who you date, who you befriend, but a large part of your personality IS in fact largely affected by those things.
So when i came home in July, in a true French fashion, I went through an existentialist crisis!
It didn't help that I had absolutely NOTHING to do except sleep and watch movies, which gave me WAY too much time to think, and drag me into the 'depths of depression'.
Looking back, I think that I was going through this crisis since i broke up with my ex, but i had exams, and friends, and a quite an 'adventurous' life in France, and then during my Eurotrip, that I didn't have time to face it!

And facing it was the hardest thing of all! I felt sick, I felt alone, sad and empty... But thank (the geek) god for new technology! Because of the wonder of technology, i could talk to my best friends every day, and write essay-length emails every other day. And with their help (especially my BESTest friend who is in Switzerland) I was able to walk through the existentialist storm that had hit me!

Well now that I have established how miserable I was, I can say how I've been able to weather the storm, and come to a point where I can just about see a clear sky not too far ahead of me...

That being said, it's pretty obvious that i have far more to go, and much more to write about.

So à bientôt!