Thursday, September 18, 2008

Walking towards the light

Like I said in my previous post, I was at a point in my life where I didn't know who I was anymore. Talking to a few friends, I noticed, that this was a pattern in young adults all over the world. Whether it be the end of university or coming back from a year abroad, or simply after a bad break up, it seems that young adults in their early twenties, seem to feel like they have lost their identity. I think that this is mainly because we have only just begun to HAVE an identity, and these major changes affect us more, as our personalities are still in their raw, new-born stage. We are fragile and more susceptible to change.
But equally, I think that we are also more likely to adapt to change than those who might face such drastic changes in their lifestyle when they are thirty or above, when they have become WHO they are (I am generalizing here, I know that this is relative to each situation, and each person).

In my case, i went through an 'in between' phase where I was back home, yet despite the obviousness of the change I went through, I was still thinking as if i was at the fac!
So there I was, going crazy like I used to, in a country where it was not acceptable, under the scrutiny of family and society! I got into a few unfortunate pickles in the few weeks that I was in this 'phase', and they were significant enough for me to learn from them, and SHOCK me into reality - I am back home!
As a result of the high school I went to, I have been in a bubble, even the last few years that I lived here before moving abroad. Therefore, as well as being shocked out of the university mindset, I was also shocked into the reality of the society I was living in, and have to live in for the next year... and believe me when I say it, the latter shock was far worse!
I was living in a culture and society which had norms that I simply did NOT accept! I felt and still feel an outsider in my own country. This is something that I still cannot come to terms with, and which I have realized that I cannot do anything about. I cannot change a whole society, but I will not let society change me either. Hence the only solution that I came up with, was to compromise. I will continue to believe what I do, and yet accept the social and cultural norms, and not rebel against them. Although rebelling is exactly what i heartily wish to do!
Sadly, I have to survive in this jungle of norms for a year, and to protect myself and my family, as I cannot cut down the jungle, i am forced to create a bubble of indifference.

All this in the slow but steady walk towards the light... and the light is definitely looking a bit more like a flashlight than a firefly...
I have a job! Which I have now been doing for 2 months, though it started out slow, it has been slowly (sense a trend?) picking up.
I have started driving lessons as a small step towards physical freedom, which are slowly (now there's definitely a trend!) progressing as well.
I also will soon start a course on International Relations, a subject that I find fascinating, and which will probably have much importance in my future.
I will maybe (if it works out) join a youth group, as a small effort to change this society that I have been forced to bow down to! ("whoohooo!" says the rebel in me)

There might be a lack of speed in my progress, but I feel like I'd rather move at a very french snail's pace, than rush into the light and risk being blinded by it...
I hope that it is also possible to notice, that I am being pro active in my network building attempt as I am choosing situations where I will have to meet new people and enlarge my 'friend' base in this country!

I have even been able to get over the 'bla' attitude I have been having about guys, and admit attractions to not one but TWO different males.
Of course, being the confused, and messed up person I am, I see different things in each guy (one physical attraction and one intellectual one), which leads to the unfortunate situation of needing to FUSE the two to make someone that I would consider being worth my time and attention.
So, the realist in me has decided to leave things as they are and simply enjoy what I see in each boy. No need to complicate my current situation with unnecessary problems!

So here I am, looking at the flashlight, and following a snail trail towards it...

We'll see how it goes...

à bientôt


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Sachintha said...

LOL what's so fucking wrong with Colombo that you had to compare it to a jungle?