Thursday, October 11, 2012


“Control is highly overrated. Most times we just need to get out of our own way.”

I just read that in an article on Huffington Post. As someone who tries to constantly be in control, who is scared or losing control and who cannot suffer being controlled, that quote somehow makes everything come into focus.

My obsession with control is getting in my own way. Woah that was difficult to write down. In fact, I typed different versions of that sentence starting with “Perhaps…”, “Maybe…”, “It seems like…”. But the truth is, there is no question about it, my obsession with control is getting in my own way. It was easier to write it the second time.

I have always been someone who needs control. As a child I was obsessive about controlling my environment. I used to torment everyone around to house to keep everything clean. I would not allow a speck of dust, one cobweb or a shirt lying around. I used to be a complete terror. Then I grew up and realized that I didn’t have as much time as I did as a 7 year old to spend on keeping the house in order. I let my room get messy during the week and cleaned up during the weekends. But one thing I always did was to make my bed. This was a small victory for the OCD kid in me. Although I let go of my need to control my environment, I found other ways to exercise control. Control of my emotions was something I discovered did not require any spare time. I could always control my emotions. This was not as easy as I thought it would be. I would keep my anger and frustration within me for so long, that there were moments when my floodgates would open and destroy everything around me. I remember a few occasions when I broke a chair or a friends pencil case at school. Unfortunately what I learnt from these blow ups was to become even more guarded and controlled with my emotions.

That control didn’t allow me to feel hurt, betrayed or depressed. I channeled these emotions into anger and frustration which festered inside me. But what the world saw was a bright, happy, sprightly and fun loving young girl. There were people who I allowed to get a peek inside me. They saw the sad little girl curled up in the corner of my soul nursing her wounds. There was nothing they could say to change me.

My habit of controlling my emotions prevented me from getting into situations where I would get hurt, betrayed or depressed because it was easier to prevent than control these emotions. They say prevention is better than cure, but perhaps that doesn’t quite apply in control. When it came to making a decision about school, I would rather stay at home than go and face any trouble. When it came to having feelings for a boy, I would rather keep them to myself than risk him not liking me back. When it came to trusting a new friend, I would rather keep the friendship superficial than tell any secrets that they could hold against me.

I may have lost out on a lot of things, got in my own way in a lot of things because I wanted to control my emotions so much. Not ‘may’, I HAVE lost out. I lost out on good friends, loving boyfriends, and rewarding situations.

On the other hand, when I could control the situation, and my emotions, I never hesitated to jump into things. If it meant getting drunk and doing something crazy like dance on a table in high heels, now that didn’t worry the control freak in me. Even if it meant a broken wrist. I may have been physically broken, but emotionally I was intact. It was the same with casual hookups. I didn’t need to be emotionally invested in a boy whose name I barely knew, as long as he was pretty and would pleasure me for a night. He can’t break my heart when I only gave him my body.

I did allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable once, but I never let go of my control. The control freak in me believed that he would cheat on me eventually, so it was alright to cheat on him first. The logic was that, it wouldn’t hurt when he did it, if I had done it first. That control freak was wrong. It stills hurts just as much, and made me feel terrible about myself because I had been as morally low as him. I kept blaming him for my emotional scarring, to hide the fact that I was also to blame. I didn’t control myself as much as I should have. So I upped the control. For the next few years, it was not about trust, caring and feelings, it was about lust, passion and pleasure.

So I got in the way of myself, I didn’t let anyone close to me, to see that I was actually a total softie. The tough girl, the sexy girl, the fun, exciting and crazy girl was what they saw. Then I realized that she was getting out of control. I was having too much fun, getting into too many compromising situations; she had to be reined in too. Then the serious girl was re-born. She of my school years, she who looked down upon those who ran around, played and laughed out loud. She was back, and this time she went to work. At work, I am in control of my image. I work hard, late and I’m passionate about my work. I’m in control of the fun girl, the party girl but also the softie. Sometimes the silly one would peek out in the lunch room conversations. But she was harmless.

Schizophrenic much?

Maybe just a little bit. I believe that all these parts of me exist simultaneously, but the control freak holds onto the reigns. She decides who comes out and who stays in. She is the one who is ‘highly overrated and gets in my way’.

“Hello all! I am a Control Freak.” If there was a CFA (Control Freaks Anonymous) that is what I would say. But there isn’t. Saying it out loud doesn’t make any difference. I don’t know what would. I have to change my personality, which I am not sure is possible at this point in my life. I am pretty settled in my beliefs and my perception of who I am. What I need is to make a choice. A choice about who I should give the reigns of my emotions to. I can neither give it to the softie, the control freak nor the fun girl. They would all lead me down different but difficult roads. I need to cure my schizophrenia and merge all these parts of myself, and accept that I am the sum of all these parts.

That’s easier written down that done. But at least it’s a start!

2011 - goal check

I have been a very very bad blogger. It's been almost 2 years since I last posted. I don't know why... but somehow blogging wasn't as cathartic as it first was.
Anyhow, I thought I would find my way back to blogging by giving a small update on 2011 since my last post was about my goals for the year.
- Zumba lessons
I did go for quite a few Zumba lessons, then I started on yoga, but I just had too much going on, and I stopped doing either.
- Movie
I didn't really do a movie.
- TV Commercial
I didn't do a TV Commercial either
BUT I did get paid about US$2000 for a modelling shoot! It was probably one of the weirdest experiences of my life... I did it with a friend, and well, the photographer was turned out to be quite dodgy. But the experience was worth it for sure!
- More French related stuff
In August 2011 I went to France with a french NGO called Secours Populaire as a translator for the a delegation in a youth camp. I was also helping out with the Fete de la Musique, and other activities at the Alliance.
- Article on Intellectual Property
Didn't do this sadly.
- Law College exams
FINALLY OVER! And i passed. Can't say I passed in flying colours but I passed and it's all that matters.
- Go to India (mumbai or delhi or both)
I DID this! I went to India December 2011 (Xmas and NYE), and went to Mumbai AND Delhi and even went to Jaipur! It was an amazing trip! I can't waito to go back again
- Grow hair longer and healthier
Just as I had wanted, my hair now covers my breasts, and it's lovely and long and healthy!
- More ME time
I'm not quite sure if I achieved this goal, but I'm sure I had some ME time.
- Learn Spanish
This again is something I did accomplish. I completed the begginners course in Spanish. Unfortunately I wasn't very happy with the teacher who was to teach the Intermediate course, so i stopped going for lessons.
- Fix teeth
This too has been done, although not in 2011, I finally went to the dentist and got a plate. I don't wear it as often as I want, but my teeth are on it's way to being completely fixed.
- Meet a man i can trust
NOPE! I did NOT meet a man I can trust, despite meeting quite a few men.
Obviously, as I didn't even write on my blog, I didn't write very much.
- fr/eng official Translator
As I said before, I was a translator for the youth camp in France. But I also did a translation for the PRESIDENT of the country who had a meeting with the head of a french NGO. It was an amazing experience!
All in all, I think i achieved more than half of the goals that i had set out. I think that's a pretty good tally!