A friend like me...

I always come back to this blog when I'm not feeling very well. It's very cathartic to write down your emotions in black and white. In this case, red and white! Its easier to understand what exactly you are feeling, the how and the why, and what you can do to change it when its in front of you as plain as day. I've been doing this for a long time now. I still write in my journal. Admittedly not as often as i used to. But this blog is like a journal to me. One that is public yet private because of the veil of anonymity. 

I have been feeling very lonely recently. Maybe I'm missing my family. Maybe I'm being hormonal because it's that time of the month. Maybe I'm just feeling lonely because I am alone. 

What is really bothering me these days is that I like a friend in a more than friendly way. There's always been something, from the beginning of our friendship. And I have dismissed it several times because I didn't want to cross a line. But it's never been this strong. When I'm with him, I feel like myself. I feel like I don't have to pretend. The irony is that I DO pretend. I pretend to just be his friend. 

Last night would have been a perfect opportunity to tell him about my feelings. But i didn't. I was drunk as a fish which would have been an ideal excuse. But I didn't! I was all over him, despite other guys flirting and dancing with me, i kept going back to him. I was jealous when he was flirting with other girls. Then somehow i ended up going home with some other guy! I know it's because of my self preservation mechanism. I'd rather be with some random guy i couldn't care less about than admit to feelings about someone i DO care about. Because i'm scared. I'm scared he doesn't reciprocate. I'm scared because we're going to separate in a few months and i'm scared to lose a good friend. 

For someone who's so cocky and confident, i'm such a chicken! 

I know there's only one thing i can do.

Just keep on pretending. Because my walls are stronger than even the strongest drink. And I will never be able to look at him and tell it sober. What's the point anyway? I'd rather like him and never know what he feels than be disappointed. There go my walls! Self preservation just comes naturally. 

I just have to enjoy my solitude. Focus on what is most important right now; my education. 

Speaking of. I need to go to the library. 

A bientôt surement

UPDATE: I just realised that friendship is far more important than anything we might have in the few months that we have left. And my rule of never sleeping with friends isn't something I should break. Some rules aren't meant to be broken. I'll get over him. There'll be others...  :)