Monday, March 23, 2009

L'ennuie et cigarettes...

I hate feeling this way. I had such a great weekend. I don't know what has gotten into me. I feel like any bit of energy I had just leaked out of me last night while i was sleeping! I barely managed 5 minutes on the Orbitrac this morning, when i usually do 20 without any problem. I feel like curling up and reading a book wearing only girly boxers and a bra. No not even a bra! It's SO HOT these days. I was so shocked when i went to school last weekend and saw not one but TWO girls wearing tights, not leggings, TIGHTS! I can't even wear a pair of jeans. Plus their feet must really stink! I want a massage. I want a nice neck rub. I want Ali to give me one of his nice neck rubs. Now that i look back on it, i think our 'fromance' might have prevented Ali from going and getting a girlfriend, which is why he was so goddam QUICK to get one after i left! Wow it's going to be a year soon since i left France. I miss it. I want cold weather. I want to wear those divine patent leather oxford booties that I keep drooling over everytime i go to Temptation. Temptation. Such an aptly named store. I get tempted so much with all their cute booties, ankle boots and knee boots. Not to mention their ballerines. I sometimes don't even want to wear ballerines because it's so hot! Fait trop chaud putin! Of course I rub it in the face of all those who are stuck in that seemingly endless winter up north but i envy them SO much! Does drinking cooled water maker you feel cooler? Or does your body work harder to chill that water back to body temperature that you're actually heating up your body by making it work harder? So drinking cool water actually makes u warmer instead of cooler? I can't wait to read this in another month or so and laugh at how random I can be. I'm having withdrawal symptoms. I need my dose of T. It's been three days. I hope she's alright. She said she was having bob on friday. I really hope she didn't have some bad reaction to it. :S No. She'll be alright. She's a survivor! Must simply be hungover, but then again you don't get hang overs with bob!! My neck still hurts. I want a cigarette. But it'll make me feel warmer, which is quite the opposite of what I want to feel right now. I miss how great it feels to smoke... I wasn't a chain smoker. I smoked because it felt good, and mostly looked good. A smoke while waiting for the tram, a smoke with coffee while reading a book at a café, a smoke after class leaning against the railings of the staircase outside, a smoke in one hand and a margarita in the other, a smoke after sex (only if the other person smokes too), a smoke while contemplating life staring at the moon, a silent smoke with T, a secret smoke on my balcony...

Plus smoking looks so sexy. Maybe because of the 'cigarette is a phallic symbol' stuff... But if you look past that symbolism, there's something so alluring about smoking. The way you hold a cigarette is an art in itself. Then bringing it to your lips, and taking a slow but strong drag, and then there's the breathing it in, letting the smoke invade your lungs and pollute every single alveolus in your lungs. And finally, the sexiest part of all; the smoke. There are so many ways of opening your mouth and letting that smoke create a screen in front of your face... each way, has it's own charm. I like to lift my chin up and tilt my head back a tiny bit, well, i liked to.

Quitting was the right decision. That doesn't mean it's not hard. Especially when you find smoking as aesthetically pleasing as I do.

Oh no, I've let my thoughts wander too much.

Je m'ennuie.

A bientôt

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