I have been scorned. Scorned in a manner that is impossibly hard to bear. But I'm not furious. I don't have any anger. I'm just in pain. Maybe the phrase should be more like, 'A scorned woman hurts like hell'. Because it does.
Before I met him, I never believed in 'love'. I grew up thinking men are all assholes and 'love' does not exist. Especially for me. I pushed away any relationships that were getting too emotional. Men were expendable. And then, when I went to Uni, I decided, new country, new me. I should give them a chance. Almost immediately, he came along. I gave him a chance. And I thought, WOW, finally I am capable of trusting somebody with my heart. I wrote pages and pages of prose and poetry about those feelings. Love inspired me, and motivated me through those harsh first few months alone in an alien land. But it was a lie! From the beginning, it was a LIE!!!! I admit I had a few drunken kisses but he was the only one I was in love with. And at the beginning I felt extremely guilty for being unfaithful. And ALL THAT TIME, he was playing with me. For THREE FUCKING YEARS!!! Sure, he loved me, in his own way, he wasn't that good a liar. But it wasn't exclusive. I was his crutch. FUCK! Eventually, it got to the point where we admitted our failings. And then, the dams were opened. I had thought he would NEVER be unfaithful. THAT'S how good a liar he was! He made me think that he was SO much in love, that there was NO other woman for him. To know that HE was capable of cheating on me, did something to me. And I went further than I ever had the 2 previous years in my drunken escapades. In fact, some were even sober escapdes. And I didn't feel guilty. I was confused as to why. But now I'm so very glad. I had NOTHING to feel guilty about. Not even that time when I was in the arms of another when he called to say good night and I told him I loved him too. But by then I had stopped loving him. I was just used to being with him. It had become habit. And then, that magical night with that adorable guy, I realised that I was lying to myself. That it was over. The next day I ended it. And then, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. WHY? Because, HE was NOT the one that broke it off? I HAD THE NERVE to break up with HIM!!! And MONSIEUR could NOT deal with that. Sure he was there for me, but then again so were my friends. There were moments that were magical and amazing. But the deceit, manipulation, the way he fucking USED me! The worst thing is, that there were things I guessed. BUT somehow, he managed to lie his way through them. He managed to convincingly lie to me from the fucking FOOT of the statue of JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ( no offense) in RIO FUCKING DE JANEIRO!!!! I was so NAIVE.
What hurts the most is the fact that I trusted him. I trusted him with SO much, that after dumping him I felt like a part of me was lost. He was the first and only man I trusted with my heart. It was already difficult for me to emotionally connect with someone since then, but NOW, after his 'confession', I have no idea how I'll be able to trust again. And I'm scared. I push away anything that had even the remotest possibility of scaring me. It feels like the scars that I already habour have been scratched at by a rabid ANIMAL. A psychotic ANIMAL.
But I was right about one thing. He never really loved ME. He always loved the idea of me, the idea of having me. He thought I was the woman for him. Never mind all the other women he loved and fucked. I was the poor little girl who would wait for him half the world away. The worst part is, when I DID get the chance with someone amazing, I chose him. I chose HIM, the cheater, over a GORGEOUS, SMART, SEXY, AMAZING guy who my friends actually LIKED (unlike Monsieur Unfaithful).
It hurts though. I just feel like such an IDIOT! An idiot for ever having believed him. An idiot for not noticing what a fucking LIAR he was, and even when I did notice, for not accepting it. Actually, the only reason he was able to lie to me was that we were not together psysically. He couldn't lie to me to my face, to he called and texted and emailed and IMed me instead.
One of the most important things I learnt from this is to avoid at all costs, a long distance relationship.
The second important thing I learnt is to avoid trusting what a guy says. They might say they love you, that you are everything to them, that you are the most beautiful thing in their world etc etc etc. Those are just words. When a guy chooses to put three continents between you. It means you are NOT the world to them. When a guy praises you too much. He's NOT sincere. Nobody is that perfect. Sure! I'm generalizing here. But for the moment, I can't help it!
Trust is something that has always been an issue for me. I have had my trust broken too many times to not be careful. The friends I trust with EVERY SINGLE detail of my life are my eyes; two, and they help me see the world. The others I trust to varying degrees. But there was ONE person I trusted as close to as possible to the way I trust my two closest friends. And he didn't deserve it. He was not worth an OUNCE of the trust I put in him. I can't. I simply cannot trust again. In fact, I don't even know if I can have a relationship again. I didn't let anyone close because I was afraid I'll get my heart broken. I didn't get my heart broken. But I never thought having your trust broken could hurt THIS MUCH.
I've been trying to be strong. Trying to keep it in. But I can't. Not when I don't have my support system. Not when I'm SO very ALONE.
I think a change of scene will be the best for the healing process. A place with NO memories attached. I can't even be at home without thinking of the LIES!
I need to renew myself. Cleanse myself of the past entirely. Reinvent myself. Rejuvinate my ego which feels like it's been run over by a monster truck! But I can't resort to my usual ego boosters, they will only provide me with momentary satisfaction. A double shot of caffein that will leave me depressed once the effects run out. I need to learn to put the pieces together by myself.
I feel relieved to have let it all out. I'm glad I have this blog. I think I'll unblock it again. I need this to be 'out there'. This is the reply that I will never give him - "IT'S OVER".
A bientôt
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