OMG i am SEETHING right now!
Yesterday i had one of the most freakiest experiences in my 22 years on this earth!
I was just going to do some grocery shopping at Foodcity with my mommy, and before that we dropped into the lil clothes shop next to it to see if there was anything interesting. So there i was happily shopping, when i get a call from my brother telling me that an old friend of mine came to see me at home! And i knew from his tone who it was! So the EX had come over, and started shouting my name from the gate. It's a bit far from the gate to the house so it took a while for the maid to hear... by then he had started to shout Lokubaba cuz he knows that's what i'm called at home.. Then when my maid went out to see who it was, she didn't see anyone cuz he and his FRIEND (yes he brought a friend along) were behind tall Bougainvillea bush by the gate! When he heard my maid's voice, she recognized it and started shouting HER name (i can't believe he STILL remembered her name tho). My poor maid was freaked out and called for my brother! And my idiot of a brother told the EX that i had gone to Foodcity with my mum! Then given the house number when the EX had asked for my brother's number..
So there i was shopping happily, when i get this news. So obviously i was worried about going to Foodcity now cuz knowing him, it's highly possible he was there. So we went in (mum and me), i checked out all the aisles, and the coast was CLEAR! PHEW! Then i texted one of my best friends who (thankfully) is back in Lanka for the holidays. Then while i was trying to decide between bacon or minced beef he shouted my name twice from about 5m away. i turned. My heart was beating so fast i thought it might pop out of my rib cage any time! I was scared, panicking! I was totally disoriented. I looked at him for a second, did a short movement with my hand without lifting it from my waist to acknowledge his presence, then ran to my mum, but had to take a few steps back cuz i had forgotten to bring the caddy!!!
So basically i stuck to my mum like glue till she finished shopping. All the while texting my friend (A). And A kept telling me that i shudn't talk to him whatever happens and my mum kept telling me that i shud be nice and go talk to him. I was even talking in sinhala, like EVERY word cuz i didn't want him to understand in case he was nearby. Bt i didn't bother to go talk to him, and i didn't look for him. But i DID think it was quite funny, somehow, and i was laughing (i guess it was the shock). So finally we were done with shopping and went to the cashier. I was let out a sigh of relief. We're outta here soon.
THEN i saw him. He was outside, on the other side of the road from Foodcity and he was staring at me. The WHOLE TIME we were checking out he was STARING! I only noticed him cuz i felt the stare... He was like a ghost. All pale in a black t shirt! Ugh!!! I still get visions of that... I was really scared. But i laughed it off. Mum wanted to go talk to him but i dragged her to the car and went home. I didn't really relax till about an hour after we got home.
But then the real feeling hit! Especially when my mum went on about how i shouldn't treat him like this etc etc...
I was in SHOCK! My ex, who i broke up with 9 months ago was STALKING me! For heaven's sake he could have gone to ANY country. But he chose to come to Sri Lanka for xmas! And he KNEW i didn't want to see him. I made it VERY clear!!!!
And he fucking STALKED me!!!! Snuck up on me!!! Bloody scared me!!!!
And NOW he's trying to fucking MANIPULATE my MOTHER sending her emails apologizing for not saying hello to her, and thanking her for all she did etc etc etc... so my MOTHER is telling me i should be kinder to him, and not treat him like the enemy.
Thank GOD i have A and her dad who's like a father to me.. Cuz my parents just don't seem to understand what the EX is trying to do! What a manipulating ASSHOLE he really is.
Just cuz we were practically married and i broke up with him don't mean that he has the right to pop up at my gate like that. ESPECIALLY when i was SO clear that i didn't want to see him!
This was the first time i saw him since the 31st of December 2007. A YEAR! The first time since we broke up. I didn't want to see him. It's hard to see him. Just seeing him in Foodcity reminds me of times we used to walk over there in our summers together to buy stuff..
I don't want those memories again! I don't want him again. And i want him to disappear from my life. Just cuz he doesn't regret our relationship doesn't mean i have to not regret it too! Just cuz he wud do it all over again doesn't mean i want to do that too!
If i knew how this was going to end i would NEVER have gone out with him!
And here i am back at the start, not trusting guys, thinkin that i'll never find someone who'll really understand me, who'll love me for who i REALLY am, and not who they think i am..
I knew that he cud do this, i expected this when he came to france 3 months after the breakup, i was expecting him to come knocking at my door. Bt not NOW, not 9 months later. Not when he says that he's over it etc etc..
ARGH!!!! I cud SCREAM right now!
Breathe!!!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
'Tis the season to be jolly...
but i CAN'T!!
I haven't had a Sri Lankan Winter since 2003!! And i MISS the french Christmas!
I wish i wasn't Buddhist just so i could have a PROPER Christmas, i wish i was FRENCH and had a HUGE family cuz i MISS the dinner's that last 12 hours, and many, MANY courses, the copious amounts of red and white wine, the Christmas trees, layers and layers of clothes, exchanging presents, the window decorations at Printemps and Galleries LaFayettes in Paris, the curtain of lights in Bordeaux...
Then again Christmas always meant that there were exams looming ahead on the other side of NYE, i definitely DON'T miss that!
But i MISS CHRISTMAS!!
And of COURSE, the new years tradition of Gallettes des rois...
I miss eating foie gras... (i remember how my french hosts explained what it was for the first time heh)
So many memories... both good and bad, but mostly UNFORGETTABLE!!
JOYEUX FETES à tous!
A bientôt
I haven't had a Sri Lankan Winter since 2003!! And i MISS the french Christmas!
I wish i wasn't Buddhist just so i could have a PROPER Christmas, i wish i was FRENCH and had a HUGE family cuz i MISS the dinner's that last 12 hours, and many, MANY courses, the copious amounts of red and white wine, the Christmas trees, layers and layers of clothes, exchanging presents, the window decorations at Printemps and Galleries LaFayettes in Paris, the curtain of lights in Bordeaux...
Then again Christmas always meant that there were exams looming ahead on the other side of NYE, i definitely DON'T miss that!
But i MISS CHRISTMAS!!
And of COURSE, the new years tradition of Gallettes des rois...
I miss eating foie gras... (i remember how my french hosts explained what it was for the first time heh)
So many memories... both good and bad, but mostly UNFORGETTABLE!!
JOYEUX FETES à tous!
A bientôt
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
J'adore
The sex ooozing from this picture is just irresistible!!
The hat, the polka dots, the gloves! J'adore!!!
Wide legged pants beat skinny's all the time!
I love these wayfarers and i was SOOO happy to have found a black pair in Colombo!
I want to start smoking again just to put out the cigarette like this!
Ma vie à moi!
I realised that this blog thingy in Sri Lanka is actually a tiny little community where everyone knows eachother, as bloggers or personally or both. It's interesting how it reflects the reality of Colombo society... and to see how people react to this society 'we' live in.
I, personally, HATE Colombo society. I HATE this culture that i'm forced to live in!! I DON'T want to conform, but i seem to HAVE to. But i WON'T!!!!!!!!!!!! Even if I have to depossess myself as a Sri Lankan i'm ready to do that JUST to NOT be part of Sri Lankan Society!
That said.
I, personally, HATE Colombo society. I HATE this culture that i'm forced to live in!! I DON'T want to conform, but i seem to HAVE to. But i WON'T!!!!!!!!!!!! Even if I have to depossess myself as a Sri Lankan i'm ready to do that JUST to NOT be part of Sri Lankan Society!
That said.
I have changed my Blog title cuz i don't think of my life as 'post-university' (after 'la fac') anymore. It's been 5 months since i've been done with that. It's soon 2009. A whole new year, a year that has NO connection to my life back in the Hexagon. This is my life NOW!
I was reading some other blogs and saw this tagging thing going around about what ppl have done in the last year.
I have to say that i started my year off with a BANG! NYE '08 was CRAZY! I got extremely wasted, fell down a flight of stone stairs while trying to call my bf (at the time ), made out with three or maybe four guys, almost got drugged by weird guys in the back of a dogdy caravan and spent the 1st day of the new year in bed nursing a bruise the size of a fist which was on my hip!
I was reading some other blogs and saw this tagging thing going around about what ppl have done in the last year.
I have to say that i started my year off with a BANG! NYE '08 was CRAZY! I got extremely wasted, fell down a flight of stone stairs while trying to call my bf (at the time ), made out with three or maybe four guys, almost got drugged by weird guys in the back of a dogdy caravan and spent the 1st day of the new year in bed nursing a bruise the size of a fist which was on my hip!
So the year continued as it started -
- I realised that i was capable of cheating without feeling guilty
- I met some amazing friends while waiting for a bus at 2am
- I broke up with my bf of 2 and a half years on skype CHAT
- The above was also my first break up and first time I dumped a guy
- I met a guy who was the physically the PERFECT fit for me!
- Broke a bone for the first time/got general anesthesia and operated on for the first time
- Fell in love with an animal for the first time
- Learnt to love my best friends more (if that was possible) for their love and support
- Got blackmailed with dodgy photos for the first time
- Went on my first blind date
- Had my fantasy of having sex in a bar fulfilled
- Had sex in some pretty WEIRD places - on cobblestones, beer cellar, tram bench
- Got my first degree! Whoohooo
- Did hard drugs for the first time!!!
- Left a place and people that i had grown to love!
- Felt what saying goodbye never knowing when you'll see eachother is like..
- Faced too much change in TOO short a time!
- Realised that i was becoming someone i didn't want to be, and decided to change that when i got back home (to sl)
- Went through a phase where i didn't know WHO i was, or wanted to be... i still don't
- Got my first paid job.
- Went out with a really NICE guy for the first time
- Remembered why i had left home in the first place
- Realised that i might be turning into my father.. and vowed to prevent that!
- Quit smoking for NOT the first time
- Saw some places that made me realise that Sri Lanka is truly paradise!
- My mother saw me completely drunk for the first time!
- Fell in love with a child for the first time (i usually HATE kids)
- For the first time, i don't know what i'm going to do next year... and i'm scared.
I don't regret anything that i've DONE, i simply regret all the things that i wasn't able to do this last year... but I think that all in all, it was a really GOOD year!
I want to look back at this list and compare it with next years list.. now THAT wud be something!
Hope that next year i'd be able to have many more new, fun and totally zycra experiences!!
A bientôt
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Tired...
What happened to the girl who can have fun in an almost empty bar?
Something that i don't understand is why i am constantly feeling tired. I feel like i lack the energy to do anything, and therefore what i would like to do is just sleep!! I don't know if this has some subconscious implications. But i don't even have the will power to ponder too long about it. The only thought i'm putting into this is this blog post. Which is already too much. I HATE feeling this weak! I feel like the life is being sucked out of my little by little... I don't know by who or by what. Maybe I'm just lazy! But i'm NOT! I didn't used to be this way! I'm usually full of life! What happened to that girl? Where did she go? Where did i leave her? Can she come back? Do i WANT her to come back? Hmm... questions... always questions. Never answered! Do they need to be answered?
Bref!
A bientôt
Thursday, November 27, 2008
100 Things You Might Not Know About Me... IM BORED AT WORK!
1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
Ones on my left wrist - fell off a table and broke my wrist. Have 6 stitches.
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Nothing. Don't have time to go look for blue tac
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
I grind my teeth apparently
4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
um depends on my mood
5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
Nope
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
to get into my master's program!
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Oh man LONG list, but mainly T, A, Salem and being my usual crazy self!
8. WHAT IS/ARE YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
my Harry Potter collection!!
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
Not very
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
nope
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Sometimes
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
my ex
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME FOR A GIRL?
White musk by Body Shop (i jst finished mine and craving for it!)
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Dark hair, Blue/green/grey Eyes
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED AT?
Um if ever, Montmatre, Paris
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
Energy drink
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
Quatro Fromaggi or Duck and fresh cream YUM!
18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
A duck and fresh cream pizza!
19. Ask me anything you want, and I might tell you.
'might' being the key word here
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
errr NO
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
can't remember
22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY?
Not just ANYBODY but some ppl
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
nope
24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
H&M!!!!!!!!!!! and Zara
25. Refer to # 19
no
26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
Salem (not right now, bt doesn't mean i can stop loving him)
27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
Beautiful pure black cat!
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
sometimes u can't help it, but NO
29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU:
A look is sometimes better than words
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
7
31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
Neither
32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN?
My mum in SL, A in France, T in highschool
33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
not being able to do something
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
never been there
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
tickling, harry potter, clothes, best friends (both weakness and strength) and relationships
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
I met this famous sri lankan actor/politician dude
37. FIRST JOB?
McDonalds!
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Of course!
39. FIRST CONCERT?
vengaboys
40. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
YES :S
41. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
Working. Or trying to
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
unfortunately, looks :S
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD GLASSES?
no
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I want Salem back
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
No biological kids, i'll probably adopt.
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Nope
47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
Yea, i used to wish i cud have a million more wishes. Silly me!
48. WHAT KIND OF CHAPSTICK DO YOU USE?
Classic
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
Aussie haircare
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yea it's not too bad
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Tuna
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
plenty
53. WHAT CD ARE YOU MOST EMBARRASSED TO HAVE ON YOUR SHELF?
i think i still have a westlife one somewhere
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
yes
55. CLASS THAT SURPRISED YOU THE MOST SO FAR?
Errr?
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Apparently yes. Bt it's not all.
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Scream. If not i smoke (used to)
58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
no second home. Home is only one place
59. FAVORITE PLACE TO CLEAR YOUR MIND?
Beach
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
My doll Natascha
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
Haven't counted.
62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
No!
63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?#
ERRR YEA RIGHT!
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
mac and CHEEESE!
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Make me laugh and great chemistry
66. WHAT ARE YOU NICKNAMES?
Plenty
68. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
Gossip girl
69. WHAT WAS YOUR ACT/SAT SCORE?
oh i did psats... cant remember what i got tho
70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
cookie cream
71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
ya
72. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
does yoga count?
73. DID YOU NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO #19?
there was
74. WHATS THE FASTEST YOU HAVE GONE IN A CAR?
190 on baseline road in a skyline like 5 years ago
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
everyone? well whoever is bored enuf
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
Rain
77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
Green tea
78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
mum
79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX?
Smile
80. FAVORITE THOUGHT-PROVOKING SONG?
the sunscreen song
81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
sleazyness, narrowmindedness and submission
82. FAVORITE MONTH OF THE YEAR?
don't really have one
83. ZODIAC SIGN?
Virgo
84. FAVORITE THING TO COLLECT?
Stones
85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Black
86. EYE COLOR?
Black
87. SHOE SIZE?
37
88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
Don't like fast food!
89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
mango tree and sakura
90. YOU LIKE SUSHI?
YEA!
91.Last thing u watched?
CNN
92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
NYE
93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
piano
94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
neither
95. KISSES OR HUGS?
hugs
96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Depends on where i am in life
97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
Pastries
98. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU HAVE?
Don't have one, used to have a Mini that was for me tho
99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Une longue dimanche des fiancailles
100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE:
Non existant!
Ones on my left wrist - fell off a table and broke my wrist. Have 6 stitches.
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Nothing. Don't have time to go look for blue tac
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
I grind my teeth apparently
4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
um depends on my mood
5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
Nope
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
to get into my master's program!
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Oh man LONG list, but mainly T, A, Salem and being my usual crazy self!
8. WHAT IS/ARE YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
my Harry Potter collection!!
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
Not very
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
nope
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Sometimes
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
my ex
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME FOR A GIRL?
White musk by Body Shop (i jst finished mine and craving for it!)
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Dark hair, Blue/green/grey Eyes
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED AT?
Um if ever, Montmatre, Paris
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
Energy drink
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
Quatro Fromaggi or Duck and fresh cream YUM!
18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
A duck and fresh cream pizza!
19. Ask me anything you want, and I might tell you.
'might' being the key word here
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
errr NO
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
can't remember
22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY?
Not just ANYBODY but some ppl
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
nope
24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
H&M!!!!!!!!!!! and Zara
25. Refer to # 19
no
26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
Salem (not right now, bt doesn't mean i can stop loving him)
27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
Beautiful pure black cat!
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
sometimes u can't help it, but NO
29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU:
A look is sometimes better than words
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
7
31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
Neither
32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN?
My mum in SL, A in France, T in highschool
33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
not being able to do something
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
never been there
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
tickling, harry potter, clothes, best friends (both weakness and strength) and relationships
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
I met this famous sri lankan actor/politician dude
37. FIRST JOB?
McDonalds!
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Of course!
39. FIRST CONCERT?
vengaboys
40. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
YES :S
41. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
Working. Or trying to
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
unfortunately, looks :S
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD GLASSES?
no
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I want Salem back
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
No biological kids, i'll probably adopt.
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Nope
47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
Yea, i used to wish i cud have a million more wishes. Silly me!
48. WHAT KIND OF CHAPSTICK DO YOU USE?
Classic
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
Aussie haircare
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yea it's not too bad
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Tuna
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
plenty
53. WHAT CD ARE YOU MOST EMBARRASSED TO HAVE ON YOUR SHELF?
i think i still have a westlife one somewhere
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
yes
55. CLASS THAT SURPRISED YOU THE MOST SO FAR?
Errr?
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Apparently yes. Bt it's not all.
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Scream. If not i smoke (used to)
58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
no second home. Home is only one place
59. FAVORITE PLACE TO CLEAR YOUR MIND?
Beach
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
My doll Natascha
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
Haven't counted.
62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
No!
63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?#
ERRR YEA RIGHT!
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
mac and CHEEESE!
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Make me laugh and great chemistry
66. WHAT ARE YOU NICKNAMES?
Plenty
68. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
Gossip girl
69. WHAT WAS YOUR ACT/SAT SCORE?
oh i did psats... cant remember what i got tho
70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
cookie cream
71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
ya
72. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
does yoga count?
73. DID YOU NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO #19?
there was
74. WHATS THE FASTEST YOU HAVE GONE IN A CAR?
190 on baseline road in a skyline like 5 years ago
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
everyone? well whoever is bored enuf
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
Rain
77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
Green tea
78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
mum
79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX?
Smile
80. FAVORITE THOUGHT-PROVOKING SONG?
the sunscreen song
81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
sleazyness, narrowmindedness and submission
82. FAVORITE MONTH OF THE YEAR?
don't really have one
83. ZODIAC SIGN?
Virgo
84. FAVORITE THING TO COLLECT?
Stones
85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Black
86. EYE COLOR?
Black
87. SHOE SIZE?
37
88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
Don't like fast food!
89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
mango tree and sakura
90. YOU LIKE SUSHI?
YEA!
91.Last thing u watched?
CNN
92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
NYE
93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
piano
94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
neither
95. KISSES OR HUGS?
hugs
96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Depends on where i am in life
97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
Pastries
98. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU HAVE?
Don't have one, used to have a Mini that was for me tho
99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Une longue dimanche des fiancailles
100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE:
Non existant!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Turn over another page...
'Tis over with new boy. I haven't really told him yet but i know that i don't want to be with him in 'that' way. He's perfect in the way that he's nice and kind and sweet and understanding and caring etc etc etc BUT that's not enough. You know when you're with someone and you just HAVE to be close to him in every way, touch him even if it's just brushing his hand? Well i don't have that with him. And when i hung out with a couple this weekend i realized that i WANT that! I want to not be able to sit next to a boy without holding his hand, or brushing against him in some way so that there's a constant connection. It's not sexual, merely that electric feeling of wanting to be with someone. As horrible as it ended, i remembered how it was with my Ex, and WOW it was amazing!! For the 2 and a half years we were together, we always had that unavoidable force pulling us together. OK it wasn't so strong in the end, bt it was still there.
I want that. I want to feel like that again. And i am not going to feel that with new boy. I tried, I resisted my initial urge to split when things got a bit slow, and i tried. But i can't force what should come naturally. Yet i feel guilty for having to break up with him. It won't be a surprise as i have already told him that "something was off" (yes i actually said that!). I don't want to waste his time. He's too nice for me to do that. I only hope that we can b friends afterwards cuz he really is a nice guy!
Oh well i guess i'm back to being alone! Any ideas where i can meet a not so nice cutie who's got an appetite for fun and don't mind a fling?
I realised through the 'new boy' experience that I can't have an entirely nice boy, I need someone who's a bit more exciting! I also know that i'd rather be alone than with someone I don't really fancy... So till that person comes along. Je suis célibataire!
I want that. I want to feel like that again. And i am not going to feel that with new boy. I tried, I resisted my initial urge to split when things got a bit slow, and i tried. But i can't force what should come naturally. Yet i feel guilty for having to break up with him. It won't be a surprise as i have already told him that "something was off" (yes i actually said that!). I don't want to waste his time. He's too nice for me to do that. I only hope that we can b friends afterwards cuz he really is a nice guy!
Oh well i guess i'm back to being alone! Any ideas where i can meet a not so nice cutie who's got an appetite for fun and don't mind a fling?
I realised through the 'new boy' experience that I can't have an entirely nice boy, I need someone who's a bit more exciting! I also know that i'd rather be alone than with someone I don't really fancy... So till that person comes along. Je suis célibataire!
A bientôt
Monday, November 17, 2008
I miss you :'(
I miss you my trilingual baby who loves to sleep on my ass, has amazingly good senses about which guys are worth it and which are not, who loves being petted, who comes looking for me when i go have a shower, who leaves me gifts of dead birds to welcome be back from classes, who is a total player(like mother like child), who chaperons me to the tram and always turns up when i come home from a night out, who keeps me company while i study and sometimes gives me an excuse NOT to study, who chats on msn, who smokes up, rides a skateboard, and drinks beer (ok that's not my fault) and who is the most HANDSOME cat in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD!
I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU AND I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!
Mama manque you!!
I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU AND I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!
Mama manque you!!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Jsui pas bien...
Quand les choses commence enfin à se mettre en place. Quand tout les côtés de ma vie sont enfin là où je les veux, il y arrive quelquechose pour gacher cet équilibre si parfait.. Et c'est MOI qui est à l'origine! C'est MOI qui n'est pas bien. Qui ne peut pas garder quelquechose qui était si bien, qui m'a fait sentir SI complète. Je n'arrive pas à être contente sans compliquer ma vie. Je pleure. Je ne peux pas continuer comme ca. J'ai MAL. J'ai mal au coeur, j'ai mal à la tête, j'ai mal dans ma peau... J'ai envie d'être quelqu'un d'autre. De m'envoler à un autre monde ou rien ne peut me toucher. Où il existe une vraie vie en rose...
Mais ce n'est qu'une rêve. Une espérence d'une fille, une fille si jeune et naïve qu'elle ne peut pas faire fâce à la réalité qui existe autours d'elle.
Je veux être Alice, et aller au Pays des merveilles, traverser mon miroire et me retrouver dans une autre dimension. Là, où je vais bien. Où je peux être attiré par cet homme si sympa, si bien... Là, où je peux être complète sans penser à la desire corporelle. Là, où je ne me sens pas comme une bête qui ne pense qu'à une chose!
Hèlas, c'est toujours une rêve.
Dans la réalité, je dois faire fâce à mes problèmes sans m'enfuire dans une facon ou l'autre.
Et je crois qu'après avoir mis les choses en noir et blanc, je me trouve dans une position de cerner une solution à mon problème.
Cette solution se trouve dans 2 mots- LE TEMPS.
Biensur ce n'est pas le seul chose que je peux faire. Je dois aussi faire un effort.
Mais avec le temps je peux voir comment je ressens vraiment. J'ai peur, j'ai peur de refaire les fautes que j'ai fais une fois. Je ne peux quand meme pas continuer ma vie en étant peur de répeter le passé. C'est impossible de repeter le passé, je dois toujours me rappeler de ça!
C'est une nouvelle personne, des nouveux circonstances, une nouvelle vie, un nouveux MOI.
Je VEUX faire cet effort. Je VEUX donner du temps.
Mais j'ai toujours mal à la tête, et jsui pas tout à fait bien...
Je sais pourtant, que ça va aller...
A bientôt
Mais ce n'est qu'une rêve. Une espérence d'une fille, une fille si jeune et naïve qu'elle ne peut pas faire fâce à la réalité qui existe autours d'elle.
Je veux être Alice, et aller au Pays des merveilles, traverser mon miroire et me retrouver dans une autre dimension. Là, où je vais bien. Où je peux être attiré par cet homme si sympa, si bien... Là, où je peux être complète sans penser à la desire corporelle. Là, où je ne me sens pas comme une bête qui ne pense qu'à une chose!
Hèlas, c'est toujours une rêve.
Dans la réalité, je dois faire fâce à mes problèmes sans m'enfuire dans une facon ou l'autre.
Et je crois qu'après avoir mis les choses en noir et blanc, je me trouve dans une position de cerner une solution à mon problème.
Cette solution se trouve dans 2 mots- LE TEMPS.
Biensur ce n'est pas le seul chose que je peux faire. Je dois aussi faire un effort.
Mais avec le temps je peux voir comment je ressens vraiment. J'ai peur, j'ai peur de refaire les fautes que j'ai fais une fois. Je ne peux quand meme pas continuer ma vie en étant peur de répeter le passé. C'est impossible de repeter le passé, je dois toujours me rappeler de ça!
C'est une nouvelle personne, des nouveux circonstances, une nouvelle vie, un nouveux MOI.
Je VEUX faire cet effort. Je VEUX donner du temps.
Mais j'ai toujours mal à la tête, et jsui pas tout à fait bien...
Je sais pourtant, que ça va aller...
A bientôt
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Why is it that ..
Why is it that i can't have a simple life? Why do i have to clutter things with Drama?
Why is it that i'm not NICE? I AM nice! I try to be nice. I WANT to be nicer..
Why is it that when it rains men it simply pours? And why do i have these confused thoughts in my mind despite my stubborn efforts to keep things simple?
Why is it that life throws things at you that you can't seem to handle? Why is it that life is so unfair like that?
Why can't we have a selective consciousness and be able to filter things that we don't want to know, or don't want to deal with?
Why is it that life is so complicated?
Why is it that I just want to shut out the raised voices of the parents and ignore the tears and the cruel remarks?
Why is it that i can't simply live in a parallel world where none of this affects me?
Why is it that sometimes i feel like i actually DO live in a parallel world, and i see things that go around me through the eyes of a narrator?
Why is it that i can't simply be happy with no complications, no troubles, no worries?
Why is it that things are never easy?
Why?
Why is it?
Why is it that...
Why is it that i'm not NICE? I AM nice! I try to be nice. I WANT to be nicer..
Why is it that when it rains men it simply pours? And why do i have these confused thoughts in my mind despite my stubborn efforts to keep things simple?
Why is it that life throws things at you that you can't seem to handle? Why is it that life is so unfair like that?
Why can't we have a selective consciousness and be able to filter things that we don't want to know, or don't want to deal with?
Why is it that life is so complicated?
Why is it that I just want to shut out the raised voices of the parents and ignore the tears and the cruel remarks?
Why is it that i can't simply live in a parallel world where none of this affects me?
Why is it that sometimes i feel like i actually DO live in a parallel world, and i see things that go around me through the eyes of a narrator?
Why is it that i can't simply be happy with no complications, no troubles, no worries?
Why is it that things are never easy?
Why?
Why is it?
Why is it that...
Monday, November 3, 2008
A demain...
A demain, meaning 'see you tomorrow' in french, was something that my ex used to tell me every night. He used to freak out if i forgot to say "Je t'aime, à demain'' even ONE night!
The problem he had was that he was very insecure about the people around him. Especially the ones he cared about. He was constantly paranoid that they were going to leave him... So getting me to say "à demain" was his way of assuring that i would be there the next day.
I used to comply with this idiosyncrasy of his. But i am not someone who believes in looking too far ahead. And even tomorrow seems like way too far ahead to plan out. Carpe Diem is something that I like to take very seriously! But of course, because of the way society is, it's hard to live entirely for the day. So i have made a compromise, one that i have had to make in many ways, to be able to live in this world governed by society. I look ahead about a year roughly, and about 3 months concretely. So basically if you tell me what i'll be doing in the next three months i can tell you. But if you ask me about fall 2009... well then i'll get a bit flustered and throw in a few errr.. well...'s.
A day like yesterday i really wanted to be completely Carpe Diem. Because I was reminded how fragile life really is..
First of all, around 5 i found out that a grandma of mine (not techinically, she was my grandpa's cousin) had passed away the night before. She was old, and very ill. I had been to see her about ten days ago, and perhaps death brought her more peace that life. Yet somehow, having someone who has been around your whole life, who used to come for birthday's, give you all the sweets your parents would deny you, who would always be so sweet and loving (compared to my own grandma who's a total grouch) and then realising that that person is not there anymore. It's something strange and even though i wasn't very close to her as i grew older, she was still a constant in my life.. And now she's no more... It took me a while to get over the shock of this realisation... some time and a few cigarettes (they help me calm down)!!
And then, when i had just finished my fifth consecutive ciggie, i get a call from Father. A guy who used to work with him, who i had met and talked to when i came down to SL in summer, and i had hung out with just last month, was kidnapped by the Taliban! I was in SHOCK! At first it didn't register. I was like are you SURE it's him? The TALIBAN? What was he doing in Kabul? Wasn't he supposed to be in France? Lots and lots of questions popped up. My dad didn't know enough to answer. I tried to call a guy who would know, but the number was busy. And i had to go for this thing. I was a MESS!!! I was in SHOCK! How do these things happen? How in the world does someone I know get kidnapped? Could this day get any WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!
Then i got more information from that other guy, they didn't know much. Just what was on the french newspaper site. His name was on. It was definitely him! Then this guy started talking about statistics, and his chances etc etc... and OMG it isn't good...
It helped that the people i was with were not very interested, and were joking around. I was a bit annoyed that they didn't find this shocking or weren't concerned, but it helped me to calm my nerves a bit.
And today i went to see the french paper... nothing new. No more news. I suppose we have to wait and pray for the best.
So coming back to what i was talking about first. Tomorrow - you can never be sure of it. The only thing that you can hope, is that you have made the best of your life today so that if tomorrow never comes, you'll know that you have had a good life.
I can honestly say today that i have had a good life, and despite the many glitches, if i die tomorrow i would be happy of the life i have lived and my life today...
ps: i always end with 'à bientôt' because it means 'see you soon', and therefore doesn't indicate any specific time. It can be in an hour, a decade or in another life...
A bientôt
and
Carpe Diem!
The problem he had was that he was very insecure about the people around him. Especially the ones he cared about. He was constantly paranoid that they were going to leave him... So getting me to say "à demain" was his way of assuring that i would be there the next day.
I used to comply with this idiosyncrasy of his. But i am not someone who believes in looking too far ahead. And even tomorrow seems like way too far ahead to plan out. Carpe Diem is something that I like to take very seriously! But of course, because of the way society is, it's hard to live entirely for the day. So i have made a compromise, one that i have had to make in many ways, to be able to live in this world governed by society. I look ahead about a year roughly, and about 3 months concretely. So basically if you tell me what i'll be doing in the next three months i can tell you. But if you ask me about fall 2009... well then i'll get a bit flustered and throw in a few errr.. well...'s.
A day like yesterday i really wanted to be completely Carpe Diem. Because I was reminded how fragile life really is..
First of all, around 5 i found out that a grandma of mine (not techinically, she was my grandpa's cousin) had passed away the night before. She was old, and very ill. I had been to see her about ten days ago, and perhaps death brought her more peace that life. Yet somehow, having someone who has been around your whole life, who used to come for birthday's, give you all the sweets your parents would deny you, who would always be so sweet and loving (compared to my own grandma who's a total grouch) and then realising that that person is not there anymore. It's something strange and even though i wasn't very close to her as i grew older, she was still a constant in my life.. And now she's no more... It took me a while to get over the shock of this realisation... some time and a few cigarettes (they help me calm down)!!
And then, when i had just finished my fifth consecutive ciggie, i get a call from Father. A guy who used to work with him, who i had met and talked to when i came down to SL in summer, and i had hung out with just last month, was kidnapped by the Taliban! I was in SHOCK! At first it didn't register. I was like are you SURE it's him? The TALIBAN? What was he doing in Kabul? Wasn't he supposed to be in France? Lots and lots of questions popped up. My dad didn't know enough to answer. I tried to call a guy who would know, but the number was busy. And i had to go for this thing. I was a MESS!!! I was in SHOCK! How do these things happen? How in the world does someone I know get kidnapped? Could this day get any WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!
Then i got more information from that other guy, they didn't know much. Just what was on the french newspaper site. His name was on. It was definitely him! Then this guy started talking about statistics, and his chances etc etc... and OMG it isn't good...
It helped that the people i was with were not very interested, and were joking around. I was a bit annoyed that they didn't find this shocking or weren't concerned, but it helped me to calm my nerves a bit.
And today i went to see the french paper... nothing new. No more news. I suppose we have to wait and pray for the best.
So coming back to what i was talking about first. Tomorrow - you can never be sure of it. The only thing that you can hope, is that you have made the best of your life today so that if tomorrow never comes, you'll know that you have had a good life.
I can honestly say today that i have had a good life, and despite the many glitches, if i die tomorrow i would be happy of the life i have lived and my life today...
ps: i always end with 'à bientôt' because it means 'see you soon', and therefore doesn't indicate any specific time. It can be in an hour, a decade or in another life...
A bientôt
and
Carpe Diem!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Naughty or nice...
On friday night I had a conversation that is very vague in my mind (due to the amounts of beer consumed) about what sort of person i am...
The one who i was having the conversation with didn't really know me very well. We had met out a few times, and we've talked a bit. But he didn't really know me enough to judge me on what sort of person i am. But somehow we got into this conversation about how he thinks that i'm not nice! He didn't mean it in a way that i was cruel but that i was more funky and weird and naughty that downright NICE! The conversation was interesting because I had just introduced new boy to the bunch of people i go out with, and he obviously is VERY NICE! So this particular guy at one point in the conversation, i think, told me that i shouldn't be with new boy cuz he seems really nice and that i'm not that nice! Of course when he said that, i agreed that i'm probably not the nicest or the sweetest person out there, but i think i deserve a nice guy like new boy and then i walked over and kissed new boy (which was my way of saying HA! SEE? I'm with him watever u say!)
But later on in the night i had told new boy that i'm not that nice... So obviously this conversation about how naughty or nice i am really struck me.
I don't consider myself an angel, nor do i think i'm a devil (although my ex called me that many time after the 'dumping')... But deep down i think it's mainly because of the way i handled the whol 'ex situation' that i think that i'm not so nice... I can be cruel, especially with men. I have turned some down in brutal way. I am not one for tact. When i say no, it's NO!
Anyway, i'm not entirly sure that i didn't misinterprete the conversation i had with that particular person because i was drunk and he was drunk etc.. But then again, it was a LOT to have misinterpreted...
All in all, i think that i can't really decide whether i'm naughty or nice. I can just let the people i have around me decide for themselves. I don't like being labeled as ONE thing. I'd rather be a bit of both.
And the person who's opinion DOES matter thinks that i seem nice, and he's ready to take on some naughty if that's wat it takes... *sigh and silly grin*
Also, i think i definitely deserve some NICEness from a guy since i've come across so many guys who are bad for me, and have pushed away the few nice ones who were even able to get close to me...
I am NOT usually like this! I've got SO many walls, which are one of the reasons that i've been having these doubts about myself. But somehow he's slowly, patiently, sweetly brushing them aside.
And it feels GOOD!
A bientôt
The one who i was having the conversation with didn't really know me very well. We had met out a few times, and we've talked a bit. But he didn't really know me enough to judge me on what sort of person i am. But somehow we got into this conversation about how he thinks that i'm not nice! He didn't mean it in a way that i was cruel but that i was more funky and weird and naughty that downright NICE! The conversation was interesting because I had just introduced new boy to the bunch of people i go out with, and he obviously is VERY NICE! So this particular guy at one point in the conversation, i think, told me that i shouldn't be with new boy cuz he seems really nice and that i'm not that nice! Of course when he said that, i agreed that i'm probably not the nicest or the sweetest person out there, but i think i deserve a nice guy like new boy and then i walked over and kissed new boy (which was my way of saying HA! SEE? I'm with him watever u say!)
But later on in the night i had told new boy that i'm not that nice... So obviously this conversation about how naughty or nice i am really struck me.
I don't consider myself an angel, nor do i think i'm a devil (although my ex called me that many time after the 'dumping')... But deep down i think it's mainly because of the way i handled the whol 'ex situation' that i think that i'm not so nice... I can be cruel, especially with men. I have turned some down in brutal way. I am not one for tact. When i say no, it's NO!
Anyway, i'm not entirly sure that i didn't misinterprete the conversation i had with that particular person because i was drunk and he was drunk etc.. But then again, it was a LOT to have misinterpreted...
All in all, i think that i can't really decide whether i'm naughty or nice. I can just let the people i have around me decide for themselves. I don't like being labeled as ONE thing. I'd rather be a bit of both.
And the person who's opinion DOES matter thinks that i seem nice, and he's ready to take on some naughty if that's wat it takes... *sigh and silly grin*
Also, i think i definitely deserve some NICEness from a guy since i've come across so many guys who are bad for me, and have pushed away the few nice ones who were even able to get close to me...
I am NOT usually like this! I've got SO many walls, which are one of the reasons that i've been having these doubts about myself. But somehow he's slowly, patiently, sweetly brushing them aside.
And it feels GOOD!
A bientôt
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The real end to a chapter...
I'm not sure how many of you who come across my blog understand french. But the previous post was for me more than anyone else. It's my way of finally closing a very important chapter of my life. It had to be in french because that was the language that was the most prominent during that period.
After 7 months, I have finally let go... Of everything, the good and the bad... I have let go, but i will not forget, at least the good.
Now I am ready for the next chapter of my life, whatever it may be, with whomever it may be, in whichever language it may be...
BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!
:)
A bientôt
After 7 months, I have finally let go... Of everything, the good and the bad... I have let go, but i will not forget, at least the good.
Now I am ready for the next chapter of my life, whatever it may be, with whomever it may be, in whichever language it may be...
BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!
:)
A bientôt
An ode to 'Bou'
Le jour qu'on s'est rencontré j'aurai jamais cru que je serai avec toi presque trois ans..
C'etait le jour de la sortie de Harry Potter et les Prince de sang-mêlé. J'ai été triste.. Je voulais pas rester avec les autres. Tu as pris mon portable parceque tu voulais pas que j'appel ma mere pour venir me chercher. Ce jour là t'étais simplement un ami de Jericho qui ressembait un peu à Brendan.
Et puis je suis arrivé en France, je connassais personne, je m'ennuiyais chez Cathy, et là on a commencé de parler... parceque Camille m'a dit que tu m'as trouvé jolie.. Je me suis dit: voila, un mec qui va m'occuper un peu jusqu'à la rentrée. On a parlé des heures et des HEURES sur msn! Jusqu'à 3/4h du matin, et toi t'avais cours le lendemain. Je m'en souviens plus de qoui on parlait, mais surement de tout et de n'importe quoi. Et puis quelques jours avant que je sois parti à la fac, t'as demandé à Camille de m'écrire un petit mot en disant "Never underestimate the power of BLUE". C'est quelquechose que je t'ai dit par rapport à mon couleur preféré. Je savais ce que tu voulais dire. Et ce jour là, on est allé à St Emilion pour la journée. Et quand je regardais le paysage devant moi, je voulais que tu sois avec moi pour le voir. C'est en ce moment là que j'ai decidé de sortir avec toi...
Au bout de 2ans et demi on a beaucoup changé, beaucoup grandi; physiquement et mentalement. Je suis devenu vachement plus indépendante, j'avais vachement plus de confiance en moi et enfin, je me trouvais belle. Au début c'était dans tes yeux, et puis c'était dans le regard des autres et finalement dans le miroire...
Tu as decouvert que t'as le capacité de faire ce que tu voulais, t'as réussi le Bac que t'as dit que tu vas pas pouvoir faire. T'es devenu vachement ambitieux. Tu voyais loin et haut. J'étais contente pour toi, et tu as dit que tout ça c'etait grâce à moi.. Tu m'as mis sur un piédestale. J'étais belle, intelligente, sexy et drôle, tout ce que tu voulais. J'étais parfaite. Même dans mes defauts.
Mais je n'étais pas parfaite, j'étais devenu rebèle! Je voulais tout essayer.. Je voulais tester mes limites... Les limites de cette rélation à distance qu'on menait. En même temps j'ai pas croisé la ligne. Je restais dans les choses banales.
Et puis tu m'as quitté. Pas pour une autre fille, mais pour un autre pays... Pour aller à l'autre bout du monde. Tu m'as laissé toute seule en France. Toi qui étais là pour moi depuis le tout début, toi qui a été ma famille, mon copain, mon amant, mon filet de sécurité... J'étais détruite.
C'était dûr au début, et puis petit à petit je me suis habitué. Je me suis trouvé avec une nouvelle indépendance. T'étais plus là pour me tenir au bon côté du ligne... mais je l'ai pas traversé... J'étais toujours attaché à toi.
Et puis tu m'as trahis!!!! TOI que j'ai étais SUR de la fidélité Toi ,qui jurais ton amour tout les jours. Toi, la personne dans laquelle j'ai mis tout mon confiance.. Tu m'as trahis. Biensur, je t'ai trahis dans certains façons mais ce que TOI t'as fais je pouvais pas oublier.
On s'est pardonné. On voulais rester ensemble. C'était trop bien ce qu'on avait pour le gâcher...
Et puis j'ai traversé la ligne... Je pouvais plus retourner en arrière. J'ai même pas culpabilisé. Je me suis convaincu que c'était une phase et que ça n'avait rien avoir avec mes sentiments pour toi. J'étais "géographiquement célibataire" donc je pouvais faire tout ce que je voulais.
Mon âme est devenu si corrompu que ça m'a pas derangé de te mentir à la geule. De t'appeler du lit d'un autre...
Et un jour, je suis allé plus loin. Je me sentais bien avec un des mes conquêtes. Il n'étais pas simplement le remède pour une manque. Je t'ai dit ''Je t'aime, à demain'' sans vraiment le croire.
C'est à ce moment là que j'ai compris que j'étais plus amoureuse de toi. J'aimais ce qu'on avait. C'etait sur, c'etait stable. Mais NON j'avais une fausse sens de sécurité. Je me trompais en te trompant.
J'ai enfin eu le courage de dire ''c'est fini'' mais pas le courage de faire fàce aux conséquences... Je me suis caché.
T'étais véners! C'est normal.
T'es devenu FOU! C'était pas normal, mais c'était dans ta personnalité. Je le savais déjà.
J'étais encore plus sur de ma décision.
Tu me manquais... Mais j'étais toujours sur de ma décision.
J'ai fait tombé TOUT les chaines qui me retenait! Je me suis lâchée! J'étais sans scrupules... Je voulais m'amuser et rien ne pouvais m'arreter... Je me suis caché derrière cette liberté.
Je suis rentrée à la maison. Là où j'ai tellement de souvenirs de toi. Tu me manquais... Mais j'étais toujours sur de ma décision.
Le temps s'est passé...
T'es devenu mon ex psychotique. Tu ne me manquais plus.
Je suis sur de ma décision.
Je t'ai aimé, je t'ai blessé. Je vais maintenant continuer avec ma vie.
Adieu Bou
Sâches qu'en dépit de tout, je t'oublierai jamais...
C'etait le jour de la sortie de Harry Potter et les Prince de sang-mêlé. J'ai été triste.. Je voulais pas rester avec les autres. Tu as pris mon portable parceque tu voulais pas que j'appel ma mere pour venir me chercher. Ce jour là t'étais simplement un ami de Jericho qui ressembait un peu à Brendan.
Et puis je suis arrivé en France, je connassais personne, je m'ennuiyais chez Cathy, et là on a commencé de parler... parceque Camille m'a dit que tu m'as trouvé jolie.. Je me suis dit: voila, un mec qui va m'occuper un peu jusqu'à la rentrée. On a parlé des heures et des HEURES sur msn! Jusqu'à 3/4h du matin, et toi t'avais cours le lendemain. Je m'en souviens plus de qoui on parlait, mais surement de tout et de n'importe quoi. Et puis quelques jours avant que je sois parti à la fac, t'as demandé à Camille de m'écrire un petit mot en disant "Never underestimate the power of BLUE". C'est quelquechose que je t'ai dit par rapport à mon couleur preféré. Je savais ce que tu voulais dire. Et ce jour là, on est allé à St Emilion pour la journée. Et quand je regardais le paysage devant moi, je voulais que tu sois avec moi pour le voir. C'est en ce moment là que j'ai decidé de sortir avec toi...
Au bout de 2ans et demi on a beaucoup changé, beaucoup grandi; physiquement et mentalement. Je suis devenu vachement plus indépendante, j'avais vachement plus de confiance en moi et enfin, je me trouvais belle. Au début c'était dans tes yeux, et puis c'était dans le regard des autres et finalement dans le miroire...
Tu as decouvert que t'as le capacité de faire ce que tu voulais, t'as réussi le Bac que t'as dit que tu vas pas pouvoir faire. T'es devenu vachement ambitieux. Tu voyais loin et haut. J'étais contente pour toi, et tu as dit que tout ça c'etait grâce à moi.. Tu m'as mis sur un piédestale. J'étais belle, intelligente, sexy et drôle, tout ce que tu voulais. J'étais parfaite. Même dans mes defauts.
Mais je n'étais pas parfaite, j'étais devenu rebèle! Je voulais tout essayer.. Je voulais tester mes limites... Les limites de cette rélation à distance qu'on menait. En même temps j'ai pas croisé la ligne. Je restais dans les choses banales.
Et puis tu m'as quitté. Pas pour une autre fille, mais pour un autre pays... Pour aller à l'autre bout du monde. Tu m'as laissé toute seule en France. Toi qui étais là pour moi depuis le tout début, toi qui a été ma famille, mon copain, mon amant, mon filet de sécurité... J'étais détruite.
C'était dûr au début, et puis petit à petit je me suis habitué. Je me suis trouvé avec une nouvelle indépendance. T'étais plus là pour me tenir au bon côté du ligne... mais je l'ai pas traversé... J'étais toujours attaché à toi.
Et puis tu m'as trahis!!!! TOI que j'ai étais SUR de la fidélité Toi ,qui jurais ton amour tout les jours. Toi, la personne dans laquelle j'ai mis tout mon confiance.. Tu m'as trahis. Biensur, je t'ai trahis dans certains façons mais ce que TOI t'as fais je pouvais pas oublier.
On s'est pardonné. On voulais rester ensemble. C'était trop bien ce qu'on avait pour le gâcher...
Et puis j'ai traversé la ligne... Je pouvais plus retourner en arrière. J'ai même pas culpabilisé. Je me suis convaincu que c'était une phase et que ça n'avait rien avoir avec mes sentiments pour toi. J'étais "géographiquement célibataire" donc je pouvais faire tout ce que je voulais.
Mon âme est devenu si corrompu que ça m'a pas derangé de te mentir à la geule. De t'appeler du lit d'un autre...
Et un jour, je suis allé plus loin. Je me sentais bien avec un des mes conquêtes. Il n'étais pas simplement le remède pour une manque. Je t'ai dit ''Je t'aime, à demain'' sans vraiment le croire.
C'est à ce moment là que j'ai compris que j'étais plus amoureuse de toi. J'aimais ce qu'on avait. C'etait sur, c'etait stable. Mais NON j'avais une fausse sens de sécurité. Je me trompais en te trompant.
J'ai enfin eu le courage de dire ''c'est fini'' mais pas le courage de faire fàce aux conséquences... Je me suis caché.
T'étais véners! C'est normal.
T'es devenu FOU! C'était pas normal, mais c'était dans ta personnalité. Je le savais déjà.
J'étais encore plus sur de ma décision.
Tu me manquais... Mais j'étais toujours sur de ma décision.
J'ai fait tombé TOUT les chaines qui me retenait! Je me suis lâchée! J'étais sans scrupules... Je voulais m'amuser et rien ne pouvais m'arreter... Je me suis caché derrière cette liberté.
Je suis rentrée à la maison. Là où j'ai tellement de souvenirs de toi. Tu me manquais... Mais j'étais toujours sur de ma décision.
Le temps s'est passé...
T'es devenu mon ex psychotique. Tu ne me manquais plus.
Je suis sur de ma décision.
Je t'ai aimé, je t'ai blessé. Je vais maintenant continuer avec ma vie.
Adieu Bou
Sâches qu'en dépit de tout, je t'oublierai jamais...
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
But but but but... nothing!
Alors, I met up with new boy again last night. We were supposed to go out for dinner, but he had fainted at work, so not feeling so good (probably some food poisoning cuz he ate some wayside kottu). So after my classes, i went over. It's still a bit awkward. He's so different from the immature guys i've been with. We talked about all sorts of things, his work, my work, his degrees.. all sorts of things. Obviously when he started talking about working and degrees i felt like a total CHILD! But that was all me, he wasn't patronizing in any way. He's very polite, and 'gentlemanly'. That's my way of saying that we did NOT start making out till AFTER dinner! And we waited QUITE a bit for the room service guys to come! (BTW room service is GREAT!) Even then, he was so careful, he didn't 'explore' the way that i was used to.. The making out was indeed very hot but well, it didn't go all the way... i guess it's cuz on our first date i said i wanted to take things slow.. ARGH stupid me!
And then there's the fact that he's so NOT hot! But somehow i still feel attracted to him! I know that i shouldn't obsess over this! The thing is thati'm SUCH a sucker for a pretty face, and i totally DISMISS unhot guys! I've done it SO many times. I know he's not hot, but the sweetness, the tenderness, and inteligence, the understanding it all attracts me in a way that i never thought possible. I'm growing up..
So i guess i've had the hot guys, now it's onto the nice guys.. And nice he is! Not nice is the 'oh he's nice' casual way. But in the he's really NICE way... It's amazing to have him holding me.. *sigh*
Then there's the part of me that's scared. What if this is a phase i'm going through. I'll probably cruelly dump him the moment i finally meet a hot guy in SL.. (fat chance! but u never know..) I don't want to hurt anyone again.. Especially someone who cared for me. I suppose I'm overanalysing this as usual, and i should just go with the flow and see where this takes me.
But I can't help myself.. This is just so simple and sweet.. When i was waiting for my taxi to take me home, i was sleepy, so i laid my head on his lap, and stretched out on the couch, and we were talking, about banalities... I closed my eyes, and kept on talking. Oh yea we were talking about how we would switch back and forth from english to french without realising it.. Lying there on his lap, his fingers gently caressing my forehead, my hair, me caressing his hand which was on my waist.. It was one of those moments that felt so perfect in because of it's simplicity. The silent understanding between two people, of different cultures, countries, age groups.. I felt at peace. This is right.
So i might have said "but" quite a few times in this post BUT despite my confusion i know that i have to give this a chance. That 'moment' was too special to have been nothing!
A bientôt
And then there's the fact that he's so NOT hot! But somehow i still feel attracted to him! I know that i shouldn't obsess over this! The thing is thati'm SUCH a sucker for a pretty face, and i totally DISMISS unhot guys! I've done it SO many times. I know he's not hot, but the sweetness, the tenderness, and inteligence, the understanding it all attracts me in a way that i never thought possible. I'm growing up..
So i guess i've had the hot guys, now it's onto the nice guys.. And nice he is! Not nice is the 'oh he's nice' casual way. But in the he's really NICE way... It's amazing to have him holding me.. *sigh*
Then there's the part of me that's scared. What if this is a phase i'm going through. I'll probably cruelly dump him the moment i finally meet a hot guy in SL.. (fat chance! but u never know..) I don't want to hurt anyone again.. Especially someone who cared for me. I suppose I'm overanalysing this as usual, and i should just go with the flow and see where this takes me.
But I can't help myself.. This is just so simple and sweet.. When i was waiting for my taxi to take me home, i was sleepy, so i laid my head on his lap, and stretched out on the couch, and we were talking, about banalities... I closed my eyes, and kept on talking. Oh yea we were talking about how we would switch back and forth from english to french without realising it.. Lying there on his lap, his fingers gently caressing my forehead, my hair, me caressing his hand which was on my waist.. It was one of those moments that felt so perfect in because of it's simplicity. The silent understanding between two people, of different cultures, countries, age groups.. I felt at peace. This is right.
So i might have said "but" quite a few times in this post BUT despite my confusion i know that i have to give this a chance. That 'moment' was too special to have been nothing!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
New boy?
Ok so well, i had a few frenchies vying for my affections this last week, and well i met up with one of them last night... and i think there's definite possibilities... OK i MIGHT have scared him saying all sorts of personal stuff like how i feel like running away from him, and how i find being with him weird etc... bt i want those things to be out there. If he thinks i'm too much to handle, it's his loss!
I really like talking to him, being close to him, being held and kissed by him. I don't know how this'll progress. But this time, it's not a pretty boy who i only want one thing with.. It's a smart, funny, tender and charismatic man!
Oh well, maybe i'm getting ahead of it all. But then again, i sent him a text saying get in touch if ur up for some more weirdness... And he sed that he's pretty confident that he is! :D
I'm happy.. In a way that's very strange... Though it shudn't be.
Ahhh we'll see.. i gotta get this silly grin off my face! :D
A bientôt
I really like talking to him, being close to him, being held and kissed by him. I don't know how this'll progress. But this time, it's not a pretty boy who i only want one thing with.. It's a smart, funny, tender and charismatic man!
Oh well, maybe i'm getting ahead of it all. But then again, i sent him a text saying get in touch if ur up for some more weirdness... And he sed that he's pretty confident that he is! :D
I'm happy.. In a way that's very strange... Though it shudn't be.
Ahhh we'll see.. i gotta get this silly grin off my face! :D
A bientôt
Thursday, October 23, 2008
He still thinks about the memories of the 9m² à Pessac...
How is it possible for someone who has apparently 'moved on', and who has had at least 2 relationships since the one with me, STILL think about it? Perhaps, when you love someone so deeply, you can't completely erase them from your thoughts and feelings, even after 7 months!
It's sad though, the only time i think, or talk of him is when i want to protect myself from making the same mistakes i did with him... I guess i still DO have some leftover feelings for him.. a few spoonfuls of pity..
It's sad though, the only time i think, or talk of him is when i want to protect myself from making the same mistakes i did with him... I guess i still DO have some leftover feelings for him.. a few spoonfuls of pity..
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
At the touch of a pianist... i found my strength!
Those expert fingers sliding across my skin, my shoulder, my back my arms, my hands, my fingers.. As if searching for the right note..
Looking for the perfect combination on keys to play a melody into my heart.
So eager to please, so persistent, so keen to find the right chord to strike, to make my heart leap.
Hard to resist, feeling notes being played that sound so perfect but a melody that is sadly discordant.
Those expert fingertips, so sensitive and beautiful, my skin feels honored to have felt them, my heart feels sad to have rejected them.
But the tune was wrong, those hands will fly away and all that i will be left with, would be the piercing cry of a shattered heart string.
The strength to deny the joys of being played by those expert fingers.. i found.
Drained the very last drop of strength from my being to stop that expert touch.
Those expert fingertips, the perfect hands, were in mine once, even for a second.
So when i see them sliding and gliding across the keyboard, i won't be jealous of those black and white pieces of wood.. anymore.
For i know what it feels like to be a piano, to be touched by those gifted fingers!
Maybe one day, when the time is right, i shall feel the touch of a pianist again... and let myself be played.
Looking for the perfect combination on keys to play a melody into my heart.
So eager to please, so persistent, so keen to find the right chord to strike, to make my heart leap.
Hard to resist, feeling notes being played that sound so perfect but a melody that is sadly discordant.
Those expert fingertips, so sensitive and beautiful, my skin feels honored to have felt them, my heart feels sad to have rejected them.
But the tune was wrong, those hands will fly away and all that i will be left with, would be the piercing cry of a shattered heart string.
The strength to deny the joys of being played by those expert fingers.. i found.
Drained the very last drop of strength from my being to stop that expert touch.
Those expert fingertips, the perfect hands, were in mine once, even for a second.
So when i see them sliding and gliding across the keyboard, i won't be jealous of those black and white pieces of wood.. anymore.
For i know what it feels like to be a piano, to be touched by those gifted fingers!
Maybe one day, when the time is right, i shall feel the touch of a pianist again... and let myself be played.
Monday, October 20, 2008
J'adore le français!
WOOOOOO I am happy happy happy!!!!! Despite being very DEAD outside! But i guess it's the inside that counts huh? I LOVE meeting new people, speaking french and acting again! And the last few days i was able to do all that! So despite the lack of sleep, I'm so CONTENTE! Ca fait longtemps que j'ai pas senti aussi apaisé que ca... Whereas my life is pretty stressful! It's totally contradictory but oh well it feels like i'm finally settling in! And the ambasador seems to really like me! :P It's always good to have an important guy in ur fan club! Haha!! Not to mention a possy of french guys!
Neways after that really depressing one i put up, felt like i need to liven things up on my blog!
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!! I LOVE SPEAKING FRENCH!!!!
Neways after that really depressing one i put up, felt like i need to liven things up on my blog!
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!! I LOVE SPEAKING FRENCH!!!!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Energized!
The waves of the ocean is a source of amazing power! Be it the power to destroy lives and create havoc like we saw four years ago, or be it to create an alternative energy source as I learnt from a certain Scottish mechanical engineer... As an island girl, for me, the ocean waves have the power to reach into my very core and energize me in a way that nothing else can! It soothes my soul, and apeases me and rocks me to a soft slumber from which i awaken with a feeling of rebirth. The worries that were in my head, washed away by the gentle yet forceful waves. My bruised and hardened heart was healed by its soft caress.
After a lovely day at the beach it seems like i have been renewed. Energized! I have finally gotten out of this strange funk that i've been smothering in for the last few weeks... I feel like i can conquer the WORLD!!!
One thing that bothers me is that being there reminded me of my ex, i kept hearing things he had told me about when he had been at that place, a few months before he met me, how he had hooked up with this Sri Lankan girl, and i felt myself looking for him... But what i realised is that i have forgotten his face, i remember him only as a tall white guy with broad shoulders and black hair... I guess it's normal... and good :) He's finally out of my head! It takes 7 months to forget 2 and a half years... It takes longer to get the stories he told me out!
Un jour je le verrai et je vais plus pouvoir le reconnaitre... C'est marrant comment ça marche nos souvenirs... Je m'en souviens plus de l'histoire qu'il m'a raconté que de lui...
Well i still had a great time at the beach and his stupid story couldn't stop that!
Back to work!
A bientôt
ps: The waves didn't seem to have the power to wash my pedophilic thoughts out! It didn't help that my brother kept saying what a great sufer the 15 year old was! UGH
Monday, October 13, 2008
Re-Pédophile!
AIE!!!! J'en ai marre!!!!
Ok What I thought would die down with time, has NOT died down! I had the most amazing dream this morning, just before i woke up... And YES it was about a 15 year old half french, brown haired (OMG i knew him when he hair was still BLOND), brown eyed, very tanned cutie!
I am officially a WEIRDO! And though i thought i'll b able to be 'good', it's harder than i thought! At least being bad is even harder cuz i never seem to find the type of guy I like (and when i do, he's 15!)
STOOOOPP!!!!
Positive thinking : I WILL find someone to ease my pain!
And it will NOT take too long (please please please!)
A bientôt
(if i'm not in jail...)
Ok What I thought would die down with time, has NOT died down! I had the most amazing dream this morning, just before i woke up... And YES it was about a 15 year old half french, brown haired (OMG i knew him when he hair was still BLOND), brown eyed, very tanned cutie!
I am officially a WEIRDO! And though i thought i'll b able to be 'good', it's harder than i thought! At least being bad is even harder cuz i never seem to find the type of guy I like (and when i do, he's 15!)
STOOOOPP!!!!
Positive thinking : I WILL find someone to ease my pain!
And it will NOT take too long (please please please!)
A bientôt
(if i'm not in jail...)
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Pedophile Alert!
No, I haven't come across a real pedophile in Colombo and want to alert the whole world about it!
Unless of course I count myself! Considering I have not seen any interesting guys in Sri Lanka since i got here, and with the frustration that has been building up, I seem to have developed pedophelic tendencies.
Let me explain. Last weekend I went to a function at which I ran into and hung out with one of my best friends' brother. I have known him since he was 5 years old and have thought of him as nothing more than an annoying child. But in the 3 years that I have not seen him, he has gone through the usual teenage growth spurt that at a tender age of 15 he looks GOOD!
And i can't stop thinking about him since! Thinking very naughty thoughts...
The worst part is that he's actually a year younger than my own brother! And I have to admit that I flirted with him considerably throughout the weekend. I feel so guilty about these 'inappropriate' thoughts, and especially since he's my friend's brother, and taking into consideration that I've seen him grow up, and he's practically a brother to me, and of course, he's 15!!!!
I haven't told this particular bit of information to anyone of my friends because 1. I don't want to come across as being frustrated (though i probably am) 2. It feels like if i admit it to someone, it'll actually be worse than it is.
I suppose i'm overeacting. But is it NORMAL to have these thoughts? These day dreams?
Oh well i suppose they'll die down... with time...
A bientôt
Unless of course I count myself! Considering I have not seen any interesting guys in Sri Lanka since i got here, and with the frustration that has been building up, I seem to have developed pedophelic tendencies.
Let me explain. Last weekend I went to a function at which I ran into and hung out with one of my best friends' brother. I have known him since he was 5 years old and have thought of him as nothing more than an annoying child. But in the 3 years that I have not seen him, he has gone through the usual teenage growth spurt that at a tender age of 15 he looks GOOD!
And i can't stop thinking about him since! Thinking very naughty thoughts...
The worst part is that he's actually a year younger than my own brother! And I have to admit that I flirted with him considerably throughout the weekend. I feel so guilty about these 'inappropriate' thoughts, and especially since he's my friend's brother, and taking into consideration that I've seen him grow up, and he's practically a brother to me, and of course, he's 15!!!!
I haven't told this particular bit of information to anyone of my friends because 1. I don't want to come across as being frustrated (though i probably am) 2. It feels like if i admit it to someone, it'll actually be worse than it is.
I suppose i'm overeacting. But is it NORMAL to have these thoughts? These day dreams?
Oh well i suppose they'll die down... with time...
A bientôt
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Blind date
After a few months in the land like no other, and lots of complaining to my friends about the lack of man candy or any interesting man at all, I was convinced by a friend to go on a blind date with a guy she thought was 'suitable'. And of course I agreed, being a blind date virgin, but having heard about the concept. I thought that it'll be extremely funny and awkward, and would make a hilarious story to tell my friends!
BUT it didn't exactly follow that plan...
Of course when he came to pick me up at home, it was awkward... then the ride in the cab to the restaurant felt like a job interview, but only for a few minutes... It soon became an easy chat. He took me to a very nice restaurant i had been wanting to go, let me order my favorite wine, and talked about so many things that i've lost track of the exact subjects. And eventually, as the Rosé started to flow, we started talking about relationships, ex's, view on life, on society, on sex drugs and alcohol... It seemed so natural at the time that i shared my views and my experiences. But it's only in retrospect that i realise that i told this complete stranger very personal details about my life, that i only share with a handful of friends.
Now that it has been a few days since the 'date', i realise that i didn't flirt with him at all, i talked and talked and talked, and never made any conscious attempts to flirt and be coy... I don't this i even remember his face very well... all i remember is how well i was able to talk with him.
What is amazing, is that only a few weeks ago, i was telling a guy friend, how well i talk with him, and how sad it is that i seem to never find a guy i like who i can talk to in that very open way...
and then i go on a blind date with the perfect guy, but who i don't know if i can like because i've always thought that if you can talk well with a guy, that it's simply friendship...
On the other hand, i felt absolutely no 'like' for him, no chemistry... i don't want to slowly 'start' liking a guy. I want to like a guy IMMEDIATELY!!!!
I suppose that i should stop obsessing over this...
But i started reading the 'Secret' and i feel like if i really want him, i can get him... (well i knew that already, this makes it more possible!)
The thing is that, i dunno if i really want him!!! Oh god i suppose i should just let things fall into place like they always do...
A bientôt
BUT it didn't exactly follow that plan...
Of course when he came to pick me up at home, it was awkward... then the ride in the cab to the restaurant felt like a job interview, but only for a few minutes... It soon became an easy chat. He took me to a very nice restaurant i had been wanting to go, let me order my favorite wine, and talked about so many things that i've lost track of the exact subjects. And eventually, as the Rosé started to flow, we started talking about relationships, ex's, view on life, on society, on sex drugs and alcohol... It seemed so natural at the time that i shared my views and my experiences. But it's only in retrospect that i realise that i told this complete stranger very personal details about my life, that i only share with a handful of friends.
Now that it has been a few days since the 'date', i realise that i didn't flirt with him at all, i talked and talked and talked, and never made any conscious attempts to flirt and be coy... I don't this i even remember his face very well... all i remember is how well i was able to talk with him.
What is amazing, is that only a few weeks ago, i was telling a guy friend, how well i talk with him, and how sad it is that i seem to never find a guy i like who i can talk to in that very open way...
and then i go on a blind date with the perfect guy, but who i don't know if i can like because i've always thought that if you can talk well with a guy, that it's simply friendship...
On the other hand, i felt absolutely no 'like' for him, no chemistry... i don't want to slowly 'start' liking a guy. I want to like a guy IMMEDIATELY!!!!
I suppose that i should stop obsessing over this...
But i started reading the 'Secret' and i feel like if i really want him, i can get him... (well i knew that already, this makes it more possible!)
The thing is that, i dunno if i really want him!!! Oh god i suppose i should just let things fall into place like they always do...
A bientôt
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Walking towards the light
Like I said in my previous post, I was at a point in my life where I didn't know who I was anymore. Talking to a few friends, I noticed, that this was a pattern in young adults all over the world. Whether it be the end of university or coming back from a year abroad, or simply after a bad break up, it seems that young adults in their early twenties, seem to feel like they have lost their identity. I think that this is mainly because we have only just begun to HAVE an identity, and these major changes affect us more, as our personalities are still in their raw, new-born stage. We are fragile and more susceptible to change.
But equally, I think that we are also more likely to adapt to change than those who might face such drastic changes in their lifestyle when they are thirty or above, when they have become WHO they are (I am generalizing here, I know that this is relative to each situation, and each person).
In my case, i went through an 'in between' phase where I was back home, yet despite the obviousness of the change I went through, I was still thinking as if i was at the fac!
So there I was, going crazy like I used to, in a country where it was not acceptable, under the scrutiny of family and society! I got into a few unfortunate pickles in the few weeks that I was in this 'phase', and they were significant enough for me to learn from them, and SHOCK me into reality - I am back home!
As a result of the high school I went to, I have been in a bubble, even the last few years that I lived here before moving abroad. Therefore, as well as being shocked out of the university mindset, I was also shocked into the reality of the society I was living in, and have to live in for the next year... and believe me when I say it, the latter shock was far worse!
I was living in a culture and society which had norms that I simply did NOT accept! I felt and still feel an outsider in my own country. This is something that I still cannot come to terms with, and which I have realized that I cannot do anything about. I cannot change a whole society, but I will not let society change me either. Hence the only solution that I came up with, was to compromise. I will continue to believe what I do, and yet accept the social and cultural norms, and not rebel against them. Although rebelling is exactly what i heartily wish to do!
Sadly, I have to survive in this jungle of norms for a year, and to protect myself and my family, as I cannot cut down the jungle, i am forced to create a bubble of indifference.
All this in the slow but steady walk towards the light... and the light is definitely looking a bit more like a flashlight than a firefly...But equally, I think that we are also more likely to adapt to change than those who might face such drastic changes in their lifestyle when they are thirty or above, when they have become WHO they are (I am generalizing here, I know that this is relative to each situation, and each person).
In my case, i went through an 'in between' phase where I was back home, yet despite the obviousness of the change I went through, I was still thinking as if i was at the fac!
So there I was, going crazy like I used to, in a country where it was not acceptable, under the scrutiny of family and society! I got into a few unfortunate pickles in the few weeks that I was in this 'phase', and they were significant enough for me to learn from them, and SHOCK me into reality - I am back home!
As a result of the high school I went to, I have been in a bubble, even the last few years that I lived here before moving abroad. Therefore, as well as being shocked out of the university mindset, I was also shocked into the reality of the society I was living in, and have to live in for the next year... and believe me when I say it, the latter shock was far worse!
I was living in a culture and society which had norms that I simply did NOT accept! I felt and still feel an outsider in my own country. This is something that I still cannot come to terms with, and which I have realized that I cannot do anything about. I cannot change a whole society, but I will not let society change me either. Hence the only solution that I came up with, was to compromise. I will continue to believe what I do, and yet accept the social and cultural norms, and not rebel against them. Although rebelling is exactly what i heartily wish to do!
Sadly, I have to survive in this jungle of norms for a year, and to protect myself and my family, as I cannot cut down the jungle, i am forced to create a bubble of indifference.
I have a job! Which I have now been doing for 2 months, though it started out slow, it has been slowly (sense a trend?) picking up.
I have started driving lessons as a small step towards physical freedom, which are slowly (now there's definitely a trend!) progressing as well.
I also will soon start a course on International Relations, a subject that I find fascinating, and which will probably have much importance in my future.
I will maybe (if it works out) join a youth group, as a small effort to change this society that I have been forced to bow down to! ("whoohooo!" says the rebel in me)
There might be a lack of speed in my progress, but I feel like I'd rather move at a very french snail's pace, than rush into the light and risk being blinded by it...
I hope that it is also possible to notice, that I am being pro active in my network building attempt as I am choosing situations where I will have to meet new people and enlarge my 'friend' base in this country!
I have even been able to get over the 'bla' attitude I have been having about guys, and admit attractions to not one but TWO different males.
Of course, being the confused, and messed up person I am, I see different things in each guy (one physical attraction and one intellectual one), which leads to the unfortunate situation of needing to FUSE the two to make someone that I would consider being worth my time and attention.
So, the realist in me has decided to leave things as they are and simply enjoy what I see in each boy. No need to complicate my current situation with unnecessary problems!
So here I am, looking at the flashlight, and following a snail trail towards it...
We'll see how it goes...
à bientôt
Monday, September 15, 2008
Fresh New Page
A fresh new page on a fresh new blog and a fresh new page in life... The two seem to go well together!
It is indeed a very fresh and very new page that i have turned in life three months ago. It has taken me all this time to be able to come out and face the fact that I'm going to be living here for at least another year. It was very hard at first, missing friends, missing the freedom of living alone (ie: without parents), missing a country where u can walk on the road without coming home with a layer of dust all over you or being almost run over by a crazy bus, where you can actually go about without seeing one soldier, or being asked for your ID at least once a day! The biggest difficulty I faced was dealing with just HOW MUCH has changed in my life!
A few months before i left, dumped my boyfriend of 2 and a half years (we were practically married)... and since then there have been a plethora of men in my life, none of whom meant a single thing to me!
So here i was, back living with my parents (dealing with all THEIR problems), alone - no boyfriend, no best friend living in the same city, no really close friends either, no plans on going back to a fac at the end of summer, no job and worst of all, NO idea who i was anymore!!!!
It's probably wrong to think that who you are is made up of what you do, who you date, who you befriend, but a large part of your personality IS in fact largely affected by those things.
So when i came home in July, in a true French fashion, I went through an existentialist crisis!
It didn't help that I had absolutely NOTHING to do except sleep and watch movies, which gave me WAY too much time to think, and drag me into the 'depths of depression'.
Looking back, I think that I was going through this crisis since i broke up with my ex, but i had exams, and friends, and a quite an 'adventurous' life in France, and then during my Eurotrip, that I didn't have time to face it!
And facing it was the hardest thing of all! I felt sick, I felt alone, sad and empty... But thank (the geek) god for new technology! Because of the wonder of technology, i could talk to my best friends every day, and write essay-length emails every other day. And with their help (especially my BESTest friend who is in Switzerland) I was able to walk through the existentialist storm that had hit me!
Well now that I have established how miserable I was, I can say how I've been able to weather the storm, and come to a point where I can just about see a clear sky not too far ahead of me...
That being said, it's pretty obvious that i have far more to go, and much more to write about.
So à bientôt!
It is indeed a very fresh and very new page that i have turned in life three months ago. It has taken me all this time to be able to come out and face the fact that I'm going to be living here for at least another year. It was very hard at first, missing friends, missing the freedom of living alone (ie: without parents), missing a country where u can walk on the road without coming home with a layer of dust all over you or being almost run over by a crazy bus, where you can actually go about without seeing one soldier, or being asked for your ID at least once a day! The biggest difficulty I faced was dealing with just HOW MUCH has changed in my life!
A few months before i left, dumped my boyfriend of 2 and a half years (we were practically married)... and since then there have been a plethora of men in my life, none of whom meant a single thing to me!
So here i was, back living with my parents (dealing with all THEIR problems), alone - no boyfriend, no best friend living in the same city, no really close friends either, no plans on going back to a fac at the end of summer, no job and worst of all, NO idea who i was anymore!!!!
It's probably wrong to think that who you are is made up of what you do, who you date, who you befriend, but a large part of your personality IS in fact largely affected by those things.
So when i came home in July, in a true French fashion, I went through an existentialist crisis!
It didn't help that I had absolutely NOTHING to do except sleep and watch movies, which gave me WAY too much time to think, and drag me into the 'depths of depression'.
Looking back, I think that I was going through this crisis since i broke up with my ex, but i had exams, and friends, and a quite an 'adventurous' life in France, and then during my Eurotrip, that I didn't have time to face it!
And facing it was the hardest thing of all! I felt sick, I felt alone, sad and empty... But thank (the geek) god for new technology! Because of the wonder of technology, i could talk to my best friends every day, and write essay-length emails every other day. And with their help (especially my BESTest friend who is in Switzerland) I was able to walk through the existentialist storm that had hit me!
Well now that I have established how miserable I was, I can say how I've been able to weather the storm, and come to a point where I can just about see a clear sky not too far ahead of me...
That being said, it's pretty obvious that i have far more to go, and much more to write about.
So à bientôt!
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