Monday, November 3, 2008

A demain...

A demain, meaning 'see you tomorrow' in french, was something that my ex used to tell me every night. He used to freak out if i forgot to say "Je t'aime, à demain'' even ONE night!
The problem he had was that he was very insecure about the people around him. Especially the ones he cared about. He was constantly paranoid that they were going to leave him... So getting me to say "à demain" was his way of assuring that i would be there the next day.

I used to comply with this idiosyncrasy of his. But i am not someone who believes in looking too far ahead. And even tomorrow seems like way too far ahead to plan out. Carpe Diem is something that I like to take very seriously! But of course, because of the way society is, it's hard to live entirely for the day. So i have made a compromise, one that i have had to make in many ways, to be able to live in this world governed by society. I look ahead about a year roughly, and about 3 months concretely. So basically if you tell me what i'll be doing in the next three months i can tell you. But if you ask me about fall 2009... well then i'll get a bit flustered and throw in a few errr.. well...'s.

A day like yesterday i really wanted to be completely Carpe Diem. Because I was reminded how fragile life really is..

First of all, around 5 i found out that a grandma of mine (not techinically, she was my grandpa's cousin) had passed away the night before. She was old, and very ill. I had been to see her about ten days ago, and perhaps death brought her more peace that life. Yet somehow, having someone who has been around your whole life, who used to come for birthday's, give you all the sweets your parents would deny you, who would always be so sweet and loving (compared to my own grandma who's a total grouch) and then realising that that person is not there anymore. It's something strange and even though i wasn't very close to her as i grew older, she was still a constant in my life.. And now she's no more... It took me a while to get over the shock of this realisation... some time and a few cigarettes (they help me calm down)!!

And then, when i had just finished my fifth consecutive ciggie, i get a call from Father. A guy who used to work with him, who i had met and talked to when i came down to SL in summer, and i had hung out with just last month, was kidnapped by the Taliban! I was in SHOCK! At first it didn't register. I was like are you SURE it's him? The TALIBAN? What was he doing in Kabul? Wasn't he supposed to be in France? Lots and lots of questions popped up. My dad didn't know enough to answer. I tried to call a guy who would know, but the number was busy. And i had to go for this thing. I was a MESS!!! I was in SHOCK! How do these things happen? How in the world does someone I know get kidnapped? Could this day get any WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!

Then i got more information from that other guy, they didn't know much. Just what was on the french newspaper site. His name was on. It was definitely him! Then this guy started talking about statistics, and his chances etc etc... and OMG it isn't good...

It helped that the people i was with were not very interested, and were joking around. I was a bit annoyed that they didn't find this shocking or weren't concerned, but it helped me to calm my nerves a bit.

And today i went to see the french paper... nothing new. No more news. I suppose we have to wait and pray for the best.

So coming back to what i was talking about first. Tomorrow - you can never be sure of it. The only thing that you can hope, is that you have made the best of your life today so that if tomorrow never comes, you'll know that you have had a good life.

I can honestly say today that i have had a good life, and despite the many glitches, if i die tomorrow i would be happy of the life i have lived and my life today...

ps: i always end with 'à bientôt' because it means 'see you soon', and therefore doesn't indicate any specific time. It can be in an hour, a decade or in another life...

A bientôt


Carpe Diem!

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