Ma Vie Va CHANGER!!!

This is NO april fools joke - I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED TO DO MASTERS!!

For the last seven months I have been drifting around not knowing what the 'next step' will be. Something that has been extremely difficult for me to come to terms with as I have always had a 'next step' for the few years that I have been on this planet. Now finally, I have a 'next step'. I know what i'm going to be doing in 5 months. I shall be starting on a whole new stage in my education. I know for sure that it'll be tough as hell but i'm ready for it. I WANT IT! I am SO excited about it i can't stop thinking about it. It's hard to concentrate.

And what's even better than being sure about your next step? Knowing that you're next step is going to take you away from home!!! YAYYY!!! Ok it's not like I don't like living at home, but after three years living by myself, it's hard to get back to living 'under' the parents. I have to report back to them on EVERYTHING i do! Whether the reports are true or false is a different story, i have to report nonetheless! One more year of peaceful, non parental guided existence! AND hopefully I will be able to find a place somewhere so that I'll have even MORE years of non parental guided existence! I love my parents, but I simply cannot live with them for too long!

Another thing, I'll be leaving Sri Lanka!!! It's a beautiful country and i LOVE it! But i'm getting fed up of it! I need to move, I think i'm born to travel. I get restless staying at one place too long. It's time to move on. It feels like everything that has happened in the last 7 months has been leading up to this. I am NOT going to live in Sri Lanka next year. This was meant to be a 'gap year' and it's what it has become. For the past month, i've been considering staying longer, and maybe living here with no hope of getting out, but now, everything has fallen into place, because even my acceptence of the idea of living here is a part of the 'BIG plan' for my future.

Best yet, I've been contemplating why I didn't seem to connect with any of the guys who i've dated (well either i don't connect or they don't) and i guess it's for a reason, because i would be leaving! I have nothing to hold me back. No strings pulling me one way or another. I'm as free as a bird to make my own decisions!

I feel truly LUCKY!

Well, i still have 5 months to get through. And a lot of logistics to deal with about the Masters. But i feel like they're all going to fall into place. Till then, i should enjoy the time i have here.

A bientôt!

Still

To hear him sobbing like that broke my heart. Last time I saw him like that was the night before he left for University. But unlike that time, I felt sorry for him, sympathy, pity and not love. He says that one day we shall be together, and that I am the ONE for him. He believes in it so much that nothing i can say will make him change his mind. ONE YEAR! ONE WHOLE YEAR and he's still pining for me. He still misses me. After all the ignoring, all the meanness that I doled out on him in an effort to protect myself, and help him get over me, he STILL wants me back. He still wants a second chance.

I still miss the way we were. We were so happy. But I can't have that again with him. I will always go looking for someone who fulfills me like he did, who makes me happy and content like he did, who looks at me the way he did. But it won't be him again. I simply don't love him anymore. I haven't loved him for more than the year that we have not been a couple. It just took me some time to realize that.

He says that noone will love me as much as he loves me. It's possible. He loved me SO much, to the point at which it was obsessive. But he deserves that love to be reciprocated, and I'm not the person for that.

He says he'll wait, for as long as it takes. I told him that you can believe whatever you want to believe, that doesn't mean it will be true.

I want to LOVE as much as being loved. Why is that so hard? Am I incapable of such a love? Am I too hard hearted? I shun those who want to love me... and i go looking for those who don't. Why do I torture myself so?

Maybe I simply didn't find the right person to love. I thought he was right, I did love him, but time and space slowly drained that love in me.

Yet i STILL miss feeling that way. I still want to feel that way again. Who knows what awaits me in the future...

A bientôt

Shmoka

"Shmoka shmoka
I like to shmoka lotta dopa
Shmoka shmoka"

Sung in a somewhat stoned tone...

Ahh the memories...

Tram stop

Sitting there,
Balancing that thin white tube between the crotch of my 2 fingers.
Legs crossed lightly,
One foot twitching to the beat of my Ipod.
Looking around,
Searching every face for those tell-tale signs.
Wondering
If someone was like me.
Hoping
I wouldn't have to wait much longer.
It would be coming soon.
5 minutes more.
Just enough time for one.
So do you have a light?

L'ennuie et cigarettes...

I hate feeling this way. I had such a great weekend. I don't know what has gotten into me. I feel like any bit of energy I had just leaked out of me last night while i was sleeping! I barely managed 5 minutes on the Orbitrac this morning, when i usually do 20 without any problem. I feel like curling up and reading a book wearing only girly boxers and a bra. No not even a bra! It's SO HOT these days. I was so shocked when i went to school last weekend and saw not one but TWO girls wearing tights, not leggings, TIGHTS! I can't even wear a pair of jeans. Plus their feet must really stink! I want a massage. I want a nice neck rub. I want Ali to give me one of his nice neck rubs. Now that i look back on it, i think our 'fromance' might have prevented Ali from going and getting a girlfriend, which is why he was so goddam QUICK to get one after i left! Wow it's going to be a year soon since i left France. I miss it. I want cold weather. I want to wear those divine patent leather oxford booties that I keep drooling over everytime i go to Temptation. Temptation. Such an aptly named store. I get tempted so much with all their cute booties, ankle boots and knee boots. Not to mention their ballerines. I sometimes don't even want to wear ballerines because it's so hot! Fait trop chaud putin! Of course I rub it in the face of all those who are stuck in that seemingly endless winter up north but i envy them SO much! Does drinking cooled water maker you feel cooler? Or does your body work harder to chill that water back to body temperature that you're actually heating up your body by making it work harder? So drinking cool water actually makes u warmer instead of cooler? I can't wait to read this in another month or so and laugh at how random I can be. I'm having withdrawal symptoms. I need my dose of T. It's been three days. I hope she's alright. She said she was having bob on friday. I really hope she didn't have some bad reaction to it. :S No. She'll be alright. She's a survivor! Must simply be hungover, but then again you don't get hang overs with bob!! My neck still hurts. I want a cigarette. But it'll make me feel warmer, which is quite the opposite of what I want to feel right now. I miss how great it feels to smoke... I wasn't a chain smoker. I smoked because it felt good, and mostly looked good. A smoke while waiting for the tram, a smoke with coffee while reading a book at a café, a smoke after class leaning against the railings of the staircase outside, a smoke in one hand and a margarita in the other, a smoke after sex (only if the other person smokes too), a smoke while contemplating life staring at the moon, a silent smoke with T, a secret smoke on my balcony...

Plus smoking looks so sexy. Maybe because of the 'cigarette is a phallic symbol' stuff... But if you look past that symbolism, there's something so alluring about smoking. The way you hold a cigarette is an art in itself. Then bringing it to your lips, and taking a slow but strong drag, and then there's the breathing it in, letting the smoke invade your lungs and pollute every single alveolus in your lungs. And finally, the sexiest part of all; the smoke. There are so many ways of opening your mouth and letting that smoke create a screen in front of your face... each way, has it's own charm. I like to lift my chin up and tilt my head back a tiny bit, well, i liked to.

Quitting was the right decision. That doesn't mean it's not hard. Especially when you find smoking as aesthetically pleasing as I do.

Oh no, I've let my thoughts wander too much.

Je m'ennuie.

A bientôt

Missing

I miss A and I miss T. I miss being able to go to see A whenever I want. I miss playing with Shlappy at T's house. I miss sitting on the back steps of Odel and keeping a look out while T smokes her ciggie. I miss how A would ALWAYS be cold no matter the weather. I miss eating ramen with T, pretending to be feeding ourselves healthy food. I miss going to T's place after a night out, and eating tuna out of the can cause obviously, I'm hungry! I miss simply passing hours reflecting about life, our existence and just philosophizing about everything with T. I miss going shopping with A. Trying on everything and buying nothing. I miss sharing a cig with A each in their own thoughts in companiable silence. I miss watching the Guignols with A. I miss A coming to my place at crazy hours wanting to talk. I miss how we talk about guys, about how they're all assholes. I miss how much A hated 'him'. I miss. I miss smoking up with T and going into giggling fits. I miss them. No matter how many people I am surrounded by, no matter how many other friends I have. They will always be SO very important to me. One who I met in high school, the other at university. Two people so extremely different from eachother. Yet who are so very in sync with me.

A bientôt

Story

Once upon a time, there was a girl and a boy called diboudi and bougybou. Despite major differences thy fell deeply in love. Their love reached across cultures, colours, oceans and continents. But then one day bougybou decided to get away from diboudi because she was being very annoying... because she was definitely very annoying! So he went to a place far away. But of course! as annoying as diboudi was she couldnt stop annoying bougybou just because he was miles away! So she decided to pack up and follow her bougybou. And when they reunited in the place far away bougybou and diboudi were so happy!!! And then they loved happily ever after.
What happened ever after?
Well that's another story!

Written 4th september 2007

A story, a story is what this will ever be!

A bientôt

Anniversary

This day last year, I unceremoniously dumped my boyfriend of 2 and a half years on Skype chat. I knew exactly what I didn't want that day. And I am happy to say, that a year on, I am on the right path to knowing what i do want. Because of course, one cannot exactly know what one wants, at any given period in life... I am extremely content at what my life is today.
But reflecting back on the last 12 months, I realised just how much i went through. Just how many expriences I have acquired, that have enriched me as a person. Most of which I would never have had, if I had stayed with him. I am much more than who I was last year. I was always sure of my decision, but I have never been surer than today. At the same time, I know that this 'spot' that I am in right now was not easy to find, nor will it be easy to stay in. But I have worked hard to come here, and I deserve it.
Now I feel like I'm finally ready to let go of that hate, and frustration I had with him, and be able to treat him as someone who affected my life greatly. Who loved me (maybe still loves me), who showed me what it was like to be loved, who made me realize that love must be shared equally. If the balance is tipped, one side will just come crashing down. He made me realize that before I can love someone else, I have to love myself. And before I love myself, I have to figure out who I am...
I have a good idea of who I am today. And I want him to know the ME of today, because I'm sure it will help him let go of that little girl he fell in love with 4 years ago and who broke his heart one year ago.

A bientôt

Dressed to kill!

Recently someone tagged me on one of those stupid facebook personality tag pictures as 'the most stylish' or something of the sort. I found this pretty interesting. My mother would be extremely pleased. Because for her, I am the epitome of the lazy dresser. When we go to the supermarket I wear whatever i'm wearing at home which translates into 'whatever is the most comfortable even if it's ripped, stretched or discoloured'. She says that one should ALWAYS be meticulously well groomed. I have to admit that she has a point. You never know who you might bump into at the supermarket, for example you're crazy psycho ex from France?

But I DO love fashion. I love reading about it, looking at beautifully dressed people. But to me, being stylish is about confidence. If you are confident in whatever you are wearing, be it a ragged pair of jeans, a white tee and bedhead hair, you will look gorgeous because of your confidence. This I have noticed in my time in France. Especially the times i spent in Paris.

Doesn't she look like she spent a bare minimum of time putting together this chic outfit? And her hair! WOW

It truly is one of the fashion capitals of the world. Not for its haute couture but for the style of those elegent yet nonchalantly dressed parisians. I say parisians because it's not only the girls, but also the boys who have very good fashion sense.

Doesn't Clémence Poësy look gorgeously Parisian here?

The art of looking parisian, other than the 'Ooo la la, i am from Parris' attitude is the laid back look. Parisians look like they barely put 2 seconds into looking the way a common mortal like you and me might take HOURS and STILL fail to achieve.

So what i hope to achieve eventually with my style, is this 'laid back casual elegance' that oozes from those Parisiennes...
A real compliment for my style would be, "wow you look very Parisian" :)

For more beautiful Parisians go see Garance Doré or The Sartorialist

A bientôt

Looking before leaping

We talked. We argued. We assessed the situation. We came to a conclusion. We cleared up the grey and made things black and white. Now I feel like I miss the greys. Because then, I would have a reason to call him. Now, we have decided that we like eachother. But is that it? We shall 'see how it goes'? Let time tell? But why is there no effort from him, to even get to know me more? Or does he assume that I'll be out on Friday, as usual, and that we'll bump into eachother, as usual? And that I'll make a fool of myself... as usual!

I want to let him know that I think of him. That I want more than just to 'bump into each other', the 'occasional text' and 'drinks sometime'. But I agreed, that I don't want something serious either. So in my self contradiction. I fell into HIS manipulating hands, and HIS game.

I thought there was something worth holding onto. Something in his tone, his probing questions, his devious traps, that made me think, for a moment, that he might want something more... Something significant. This pacified me for a few days.

But now I'm wondering if he was simply playing a game... That it was all an act. That he wasn't as insecure as he seemed, or as I intepreted. Am I always supposed to do all the dirty work? Am I the one who has to 'prove myself'. That I'm not just playing with him.

Why can't I simply forget about it? Because I haven't been attracted to someone, in this way, in a long time. And I'm not willing to give up on it because he's such a hard nut to crack.

THAT's it. He thinks my goal is to CRACK him and then I'll get bored and move on. I don't WANT to do that. But the fact that he shows such little interest might make me want to give up and move on ANYWAY.

Perhaps that's what he's doing. Testing me... I'm up for the challenge. No way am I giving up now josé!

I know I'm exposing myself far too much. But I've looked before leaping. I've seen that dark ravine with only a faint shimmer to indicate what might be at the bottom.

Leaping now.

A bientôt