First of the month!

I've always loved the first day of a new month. There's something refreshing about it. It's like life is starting all over again. Whatever happened in the past month is forgotten. You're given a second chance. 

I've always known that life is very unpredictable and strange, but sometimes I'm surprised by just how unpredictable life is. Did I know 10 days ago that I would meet someone that got me curious for more? NO Absolutely not! I was accepting the idea of being alone for quite some time. Although of course, I was not going to deny myself some carnal pleasure if it walked my way. 

And now, here I am writing about a guy I only met twice. Who is all of a stranger to me. First time I met him, it was for barely an hour, second time, well approximately 9hours, during which time we introduced ourselves quite intimately. It was strange telling my friends how I went out with a guy i barely know and his friends. Ok, this IS colombo, i DID know who the friends were, and there WERE mutual friends. But still, one week before, he had been a total STRANGER. And i'm lovin' it! What better way to spend a summer than to get to know someone from zero. 

Am I wary about him? Yes. I am wary about any guy, especially the kind of guy he is. But more I talk to him, more I find that he's smart and witty without being neurotic and mentally unstable like some others I've known. I wonder when I'll see him again, hopefully in a few days. I hope he'll take me for a ride in his sexy and spacious 407. 

I am getting curiouser and curiouser by the day, and I think I see the makings of an exciting summer fling! 

A bientôt!

Shock

You know when you feel SO utterly powerless that there is NOTHING you can do to make things ok? When all you can do is just SIT THERE dumbfounded. When you know that nothing you say can turn back time, and make things better. When ALL you have to give are words but all that is needed is a HUG. When you feel like someone reached in and took your heart in their fist are started to squeeze it. You feel breathless and weak and utterly lost. 

And the worst part is that, if YOU are feeling this way, you can only imagine how much MORE the one who is actually going through it might be feeling, and that thought just makes you realise how insignificant your own feelings are... 

I'm ready to sell my soul for a ticket out of here, to just be able to give a hug, to sit there in silence watching the smoke from each of our cigarettes swirl and intermingle in the air like acrobats performing their art in the circus tent... 

Je t'aime my OSM. 

Explosion

There have been so many thoughts flitting across my mind in the last few days that I feel like i need let them out or else i will explode. I know that the only reason i'm about to explode is that i haven't had my daily doses of soul mate for the past week. But i feel like this blog will do for now. 

1. I'm selfish. 

My mum has been nagging me about this for a few days. I know that it's partly because she's tired and stressed because she's been travelling a lot last week, and the maid was gone for the week. So of course I apologized and silently listened to her. But i do know that what she says has a certain truth to it. I am quite the selfish person. I tend to put myself before others in certain occasions. Yet she's wrong too, because i feel like i'm more selfish than others. Humans as a species are selfish creatures. Survival of the fittest is esentially a concept that promotes selfishness. I know that i can be selfless with my family and friends, i know that when it comes down to it, i am not selfish when they really need me. 

2. I'm stressed 

Up until 2 days ago, i was stressing about not having received my offer pack. But after an email to the admissions office, and another to the vice deane, i finally received it. And now i'm stressing about money and accomodation. Money i know can be settled. My parents will pay for half, and the rest I'll get loans. Accomodation i'm working on. But my departure date has been pushed up, so I'll have to find accomodation sooner rather than later, and i'm not going to stop stressing till i'm SURE that i'll have a roof above my head when i get there! 

3. I'm busy

So many things to do, so little time! I have to finish off my projects at work before i stop in a month. Since my boss is finally back, I hope it'll progress smoothly. I want to go travelling in Sri Lanka before I leave, I want to go to the hills, and sea (especially Arugam Bay). And I have only 6 weekends left! Need to get that done soon because I'll have too many last minute details to sort out, to afford taking 2 days off. 

4. I'm sad

I'm sad because looking back on the last year spent here, despite be cursing the country, and hating being back, i still managed to have a very eventful, and productive year. I gained a lot of life experience, I met a lot of very interesting people, and learnt a lot of things about myself. And mostly, i got close to my brother, and my baby cousin. I'm going to miss them. I guess I'll miss my mum too, but i won't miss the drama and heartache that comes with her. I'm going to miss driving a LOT. I'm also going to miss the people i met here, the old friends I renewed ties with, and the new ones I made. I'm going to miss Sri Lanka, with all it's faults, it's still home, and in this time of renewal, and reconstruction, i really wish i could help out. 

5. I'm excited

I LOVE change! I love discovering new places, new people. I'm going to be learning something that i have wanted to learn about for a long time, something i've been talking about for just as long, something that is one big step towards making my dreams come true. I love my country, but i have to say that i was feeling like i was starting to stagnate here, and leaving is the best way to clean up my pond. I'm starting a whole new era of my life, a whole new chapter in my biography and i'm ever so excited to know what's going to be in it! 

6. I'm dissapointed 

I met someone who sparked my curiousity, peaked my interest, created a ripple in my pond. I'm dissapointed that it happened when I was about to leave. It's annoying because it happened just before I left france too. But as the french say, c'est la vie, que sera, sera. But... 

7. I'm hopeful 

Because i know that i haven't turned to stone. That my curiously CAN still be sparked, and there ARE still people out that who'll are capable of it. 

Seven is my favorite number. But there's something missing. I need one more to complete this set of emotions. 

8. I'm happy :) 

I like to think that i'm a positive person. And quite appropriately, number Eight it happiness. Kick eight down and you get infinity. So Infinite happiness. 

Through the roller coaster of emotions that i've gone through in the past few days. Happiness is something that caps it all. My life is changing, in a good way. I'm at a really good place right now. A place that i strove to reach ever since i came back. And now that i'm here, i'm happy. And i know that everything WILL fall into place. 

There's a sense of serenity that just fell on me like an soft invisible silk cloth falling from above. 

I hope everyone can find this one day. It feels SO GOOD! 

A bientôt

Back to being frivolous

Sometimes I wonder why I even have a blog when I can rant to my best friend and get such amazing advice! Then I remember that there are times when I need to say things for which there IS not advice possible. Things that I simply need to get out of my head. There is one thing in my head right now, and that's how lucky I am! I called my self lucky_me because I feel like I have quite a lot of luck in many areas of my life. And one of the things I feel truly lucky about are my best friends, especially the one who is my soulmate. One cannot ask for anything more than being understood and she understands me so well it surprises me even after all these years! Ours is a bond that goes beyond time and space. No matter how many times I repeat it, I cannot really express how thankful I am for having her in my life. 

Divide and conquer. It's something that has been used for many a millenia. From the hunters in the stone age to the colonialists to the economic hitmen of the modern era. A time tested formula to succeed in battle. A formula that I have been adviced to use in my battle against boredom.

I hate 'inbetween' times. I have realised through this blog that I am an extremely impatient person. I need to go from one thing to another IMMEDIATELY. I can't STAND waiting. This is why I was feeling utterly frustrated and lost this past year, because this whole YEAR was an 'inbetween' time. Finished with the undergrad and waiting to do the masters. I should be thankful that I am currently not facing SUCH a long inbetween time. I'm merely awaiting my offer pack and going back to Uni. I'm so excited at the prospect that the idea of 'waiting' for it is KILLING me! The worst part is that I can't even DO anything in this inbetween time. I can't commit to anything because it's such a short period of time. I can't start a project because I might not have time to finish it. I can't like a guy because I can't risk getting attached. 

I know that this is a time where I have to focus on myself and MY needs but right now my NEED is to DO something! This patience business is killing me. So THIS is where the 'divide and conquer' formula comes in. 

I need to divide what IS happening in my life, and give attention to each of those aspects seperately. Looking at it that way, I DO have a sufficient number things. And if I try to make more of them individually, I have quite a lot of things to do. 

For example - family. I went to see my baby cousin yesterday. I hadn't seem her in about 6 weeks! And she's already grown so much! But I she still remembered the little game I play with her since I came back home last summer. It's called 'shadow'. Basically we go into the sun and wave at our own shadows. She dragged me outside yesterday but sadly there were no shadows because of the clouds. Then i realised that I won't be able to spend time with her. It's been so amazing seeing her grow from a 1 year old baby to a 2 year old toddler. I'm scared she'll forget me. So I'm going to spend as much time with her as possible. Especially because she's going to be a big sister soon, and I won't be in the country to see my new baby cousin... 

And then there's my brother. When I went off to Uni he was a boy. He was still making kites and running around the garden. When I came back, he had grown into a pimply teen with a broken voice and plenty of teenage drama! It's been great this past year, bonding with him, 'helping' him with girl issues. Overall, being the 'cool' older sister, even though at first all his friends thought I was his girlfriend. Which was a pleasant compliment, albeit disturbing. I'm going to miss hanging on out with him. And since his exams finish soon, he will be free so I'm going to make the best of this time and bond a bit more with my cute assed 'babouch'. 

Looking at it this way, I actually have plenty to fill my time. Plus I could read more. I need to read up on subjects for my masters. When i get my offer pack I'll have all the accomodation, choosing classes etc to deal with. And then finally, packing! Which is going to be TOUGH! 

I only hope that with all of this activity I'll have time to go to the beach and get laid! Because it's SUMMER again! Which means - HOT SURFER DUDES! :D I am a sucker for a head of messy sunbleached hair, tones arms and shoulders, defined abs with a little snail trail leading down from the belly button to the beach shorts hanging low on the hips. Add a string of beads around the neck, a cute accent, and I'm all theirs! Oh this summer is going to be great! 

I love how this post progressed from being cheesy and emotional to bored and depressed to happy and horney! The mind is a truly amazing place! 

A bientôt 

Blood Bath

No, this has nothing to do with an earlier post about menstruation. 

There are far more important things going on in this little island. Things that people seem to not notice. Things that seem so far away but are actually barely 200km away. So many people are dying of sickness, starvation, and shelling! But we in Colombo, we in our safe little bubble, prefer to talk about our own little woes. I'm generalizing of course. But I know that i'm one of those in that bubble. Living in a country at war comes with a price. After some time , nature allows us to adapt to the environment, this adaptation makes us desentisized to the suffering that exists SO CLOSE. We learn to go through every day without having to think about the hundreds dying so protect us and the hundreds dying for no reason at all. Who ARE WE? We can call ourselves human because it's human to adapt. But it is definitely NOT humane! 

I want to do something. I should do something. When did I become so selfish? When did we close our eyes and ears and most importantly, our hearts??? 

More information - http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/12/world/asia/12lanka.html?_r=1 

Help here - http://savevanni.blogspot.com/ 

A bientôt 

O

“He’s like a fictional character, but he’s real. First off, his mother was a Kansas girl. Never lived in Kansas though, but with deep roots. You know, like Kansas bloody Kansas. John Brown the insurrectionist. Jesse James and Quantrill. Bushwhackers, Guerillas. Wizard of Oz Kansas. I think Barack has Jefferson Davis back there in his ancestry someplace. And then his father. An African intellectual. Bantu, Masai, Griot type heritage - cattle raiders, lion killers. I mean it’s just so incongruous that these two people would meet and fall in love. You kind of get past that though. And then you’re into his story. Like an odyssey except in reverse.”

Bob Dylan on Obama

Makes you realise how small the world really is. 

Makes me keep hoping that there IS someone 'out there' for me... 

Makes one amazed at how significant Obama is to world history! 

I *heart* O

Bloody 'ell!

It's that time again when i start hating being a woman! I hate that I get so emotional, so needy and so touchy about everything and with everyone! And the worst part, is the mood swings! I should have guessed yesterday that this was coming when one minute I was totally energized after Yoga and then next minute I was chickening out of going out and facing the devil and his gf! And I don't even want to MENTION the first day pains! It only lasts a day, but that ONE day, well it's 'ell! I can't even find a proper position to lie in which would make me comfortable! Not even FRIENDS can make me forget the pain, any more (Friends was great for a few hours, but now...)! 

I feel so bloated and unattractive! I always feel the most sexiest the week prior to getting my periods... But I seem to attract guys WHILE I have it. Maybe it's something to do with the pheromones or whatever... I can't even remember the number of times when I kicked myself (in my head) for having missed out on some HOT guys just because of this bloody HELL! I also end up feeling more aroused this time of the month too... WTF is WRONG with me? I'm unnatural! But the pain is too real! I need to go watch some more Friends and go to sleep! Writing this all down makes me feel a lot better. 

And i feel like telling Salem i LOVE him! I miss him! It always used to make the pains better when u would lie on my stomach... Oh god fucking mood swings! 

A bientôt

Lawn - Jeh - Ray

I've been window shopping for lingerie these days. By window shopping, I mean 'virtual' window shopping of course. Sri Lanka, although a large producer for one of the best lingerie marks in the world (ex: Victoria's Secret) does not host even ONE really good lingerie shop. I remember there used to be one, down Green Path which gave their not so very cute creations in very cute pink bags. 

Anyhow, this latest window shopping spree is a direct result of one something I wrote about not too long ago. Something that I have not indulged in for far too long! SEX of course. 

Perhaps the irony of someone who is so sexually inactive, shopping for sexy lingerie might be hard to grasp. But I doubt those who might unwittingly come across this piece of virtual space would be that naive. 

Yet in a strange way, shopping for lingerie makes me happy. Even if it IS just 'window' shopping, even if I will not be able to afford any of the scrumptious sultry sexiness for a long time, even if I don't have anyone to admire them or take them off if I DID in fact possess them, it makes me happy. 

Something about the curve of the cup, the shimmer of satin, the ruffles and bows, the pattern in the lace, the transparency of the material, just makes me feel good. Sometimes I picture myself wearing them, sometimes I simply admire they way they sit on the oh-so-perfect bodies of those special make of people called lingerie models. 

When I come across a set that I would love to own, I don't see myself wearing it for anyone else, just admiring the beauty of a perfectly put together piece of underwear that I have the honour of wearing. Sometimes I try to imagine slowly shrugging off the silky strap while looking over my shoulder sexily to a stunning stranger. But that day dream stops there. 

Whoever came up with the term 'underwear', is to me an idiot! Lingerie is never 'underwear', you might wear it under your clothes, but it should never be 'under'-estimated. 

In fact, Chantal Thomass, who I think is the Coco Chanel of Lingerie, came up with the idea of 'Dessus Dessous' which means wearing underwear as outerwear. Why cover up something that is so well engineered? Why hide the elegance of a beautiful piece of lingerie? Unfortunately the answer to these questions lie in society and culture. Whereas this concept would be accepted in the fashion-forward, sexy society of La France. In most parts of the world, it would be frowned upon. But I would rather not get into this right now. I am too good a mood to do any culture bashing. 

In fact, I think I'll get back to flicking the pages (internet pages of course - although I WOULD love a cataloue) of Victoria's Secret and dreaming of the days when I can afford to invest €200 on 'underwear'! 

A bientôt 

ps (for those who are interested) Fifi Chachnil , La Senza, Princess Tam Tam 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...

I have been scorned. Scorned in a manner that is impossibly hard to bear. But I'm not furious. I don't have any anger. I'm just in pain. Maybe the phrase should be more like, 'A scorned woman hurts like hell'. Because it does. 

Before I met him, I never believed in 'love'. I grew up thinking men are all assholes and 'love' does not exist. Especially for me. I pushed away any relationships that were getting too emotional. Men were expendable. And then, when I went to Uni, I decided, new country, new me. I should give them a chance. Almost immediately, he came along. I gave him a chance. And I thought, WOW, finally I am capable of trusting somebody with my heart. I wrote pages and pages of prose and poetry about those feelings. Love inspired me, and motivated me through those harsh first few months alone in an alien land. But it was a lie! From the beginning, it was a LIE!!!! I admit I had a few drunken kisses but he was the only one I was in love with. And at the beginning I felt extremely guilty for being unfaithful. And ALL THAT TIME, he was playing with me. For THREE FUCKING YEARS!!! Sure, he loved me, in his own way, he wasn't that good a liar. But it wasn't exclusive. I was his crutch. FUCK! Eventually, it got to the point where we admitted our failings. And then, the dams were opened. I had thought he would NEVER be unfaithful. THAT'S how good a liar he was! He made me think that he was SO much in love, that there was NO other woman for him. To know that HE was capable of cheating on me, did something to me. And I went further than I ever had the 2 previous years in my drunken escapades. In fact, some were even sober escapdes. And I didn't feel guilty. I was confused as to why. But now I'm so very glad. I had NOTHING to feel guilty about. Not even that time when I was in the arms of another when he called to say good night and I told him I loved him too. But by then I had stopped loving him. I was just used to being with him. It had become habit. And then, that magical night with that adorable guy, I realised that I was lying to myself. That it was over. The next day I ended it. And then, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. WHY? Because, HE was NOT the one that broke it off? I HAD THE NERVE to break up with HIM!!! And MONSIEUR could NOT deal with that. Sure he was there for me, but then again so were my friends. There were moments that were magical and amazing. But the deceit, manipulation, the way he fucking USED me! The worst thing is, that there were things I guessed. BUT somehow, he managed to lie his way through them. He managed to convincingly lie to me from the fucking FOOT of the statue of JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ( no offense)  in RIO FUCKING DE JANEIRO!!!! I was so NAIVE. 

What hurts the most is the fact that I trusted him. I trusted him with SO much, that after dumping him I felt like a part of me was lost. He was the first and only man I trusted with my heart. It was already difficult for me to emotionally connect with someone since then, but NOW, after his 'confession', I have no idea how I'll be able to trust again. And I'm scared. I push away anything that had even the remotest possibility of scaring me. It feels like the scars that I already habour have been scratched at by a rabid ANIMAL. A psychotic ANIMAL. 

But I was right about one thing. He never really loved ME. He always loved the idea of me, the idea of having me. He thought I was the woman for him. Never mind all the other women he loved and fucked. I was the poor little girl who would wait for him half the world away. The worst part is, when I DID get the chance with someone amazing, I chose him. I chose HIM, the cheater, over a GORGEOUS, SMART, SEXY, AMAZING guy who my friends actually LIKED (unlike Monsieur Unfaithful). 

It hurts though. I just feel like such an IDIOT! An idiot for ever having believed him. An idiot for not noticing what a fucking LIAR he was, and even when I did notice, for not accepting it. Actually, the only reason he was able to lie to me was that we were not together psysically. He couldn't lie to me to my face, to he called and texted and emailed and IMed me instead.

One of the most important things I learnt from this is to avoid at all costs, a long distance relationship. 

The second important thing I learnt is to avoid trusting what a guy says. They might say they love you, that you are everything to them, that you are the most beautiful thing in their world etc etc etc. Those are just words. When a guy chooses to put three continents between you. It means you are NOT the world to them. When a guy praises you too much. He's NOT sincere. Nobody is that perfect. Sure! I'm generalizing here. But for the moment, I can't help it!

Trust is something that has always been an issue for me. I have had my trust broken too many times to not be careful. The friends I trust with EVERY SINGLE detail of my life are my eyes; two, and they help me see the world. The others I trust to varying degrees. But there was ONE person I trusted as close to as possible to the way I trust my two closest friends. And he didn't deserve it. He was not worth an OUNCE of the trust I put in him. I can't. I simply cannot trust again. In fact, I don't even know if I can have a relationship again. I didn't let anyone close because I was afraid I'll get my heart broken. I didn't get my heart broken. But I never thought having your trust broken could hurt THIS MUCH. 

I've been trying to be strong. Trying to keep it in. But I can't. Not when I don't have my support system. Not when I'm SO very ALONE. 

I think a change of scene will be the best for the healing process. A place with NO memories attached. I can't even be at home without thinking of the LIES! 

I need to renew myself. Cleanse myself of the past entirely. Reinvent myself. Rejuvinate my ego which feels like it's been run over by a monster truck! But I can't resort to my usual ego boosters, they will only provide me with momentary satisfaction. A double shot of caffein that will leave me depressed once the effects run out. I need to learn to put the pieces together by myself. 

I feel relieved to have let it all out. I'm glad I have this blog. I think I'll unblock it again. I need this to be 'out there'. This is the reply that I will never give him - "IT'S OVER". 

A bientôt