Primal Needs

For an ugly ass guy, Serge Gainsbourg mustav been DARN sexy to have attracted the likes of Jane Birkin!

Soon it will be 4 months since I last had sex, and 4 months is the longest I've ever gone (since I 1st had sex that is). Last year, I had a 4 month stint which ended with the fortunate rencontre of the Nice Frenchie. I was so sex starved that I barely lasted a week of no sex, and that only because I had my period! I was even ready to ignore the fact that he was not as HAWT as I usually liked. I don't think I'm a nymphomaniac, but I love sex. I need sex. The last time I had sex was amazing. I wasn't really intending to hook up with him, but I was drunk, he was sexy and seductive and the attraction was undeniable. It was the perfect way to say good bye to a year of promiscuity, and enter a year or abstinence. At least, that's the way I saw it four months ago. I had decided that I don't want one night stands or JUST sex anymore. I was ready to abstain for as long as it takes. It took one month for me to be tempted out of this resolution. He would have been a first for me, but it didn't work out, because I wanted more than just sex, he didn't know what he wanted. And that's that. But the chemistry was crazy!!

Since then I've accepted the fact that I might not have sex for quite a while. But as the four month mark is getting close, I find myself getting more and more frustrated. I need to feel attractive, sexy and wanted. I know there are ways to get this need fulfilled, but I don't want it. Because it would be like quenching my thirst with water when what I really want is a Margharita. I want pure, hot, carnal PASSION! I want a Hubert or better yet ,a TOM! If, by some luck (and I'm pretty lucky), I DO meet someone who fills my requirements. I am NOT wasting any time contemplating emotions. My primal bestial needs have to be fulfilled before I tend to the more sentimental ones.

Till then, I have to be patient. Unfortunately, patience is not one of my virtues.

A bientôt

UPDATE : The same day i wrote this, in the night, i got a mail from none other than TOM who i said is what i really want. Guess what the subject of him mail was 'I'm coming'. Somehow i don't think this is a coincedence. It's some weird The Secret/ Power of Attraction thing. Unfortunately he was coming to France. Which is a little bit too far away for me to fly for a booty call! But still I like that he thought of me the day i thought of him... I guess I mustav left an impression on him, as he on me... :D

Wrapped

I haven't been inspired to write for some time now... I guess it's the inactivity that has taken over my life that's seeping into my creativity and draining me of all creative impulse.

Surprisingly, changing my header picture seems to have done the trick. It's a illustration by Garance Doré, whose photographs I love as well.

I love the expression of the woman in this image. It's almost as if she's saying, "So what?", or more appropriately, "Et Alors?"... The cigerette held lightly and casually between her finger, and sultry eyes looking straight at you with conviction and pride.

But the best part is that she is wrapped in a shawl of smoke. I like it because that's how i feel these days... Like I see the world through a layer of smoke, that both distorts and protects. It distorts my image of the world around me, while at the same time protecting me from it. I feel like I am part of the society that surrounds me yet I am seperate, because of this cloud of smoke...

The main reason for this 'smoke shawl' is the fact that my time in Colombo is coming to an end. I don't know when I'll be living here again, and hopefully it won't be for quite a few years. In the few months I've been back, I've met many people, had many experiences that not only helped me answer questions about myself, but made me pose more questions about who I am. Of course, self discovery is a process that might never have a conclusion, but I feel like I've reached a point where I'm comfortable with who I am, and confident that I am a good person. For essentially, that's who I want to be: a good person. I'm neither naughty nor nice. I am simply ME and I am good.

The 'smoke shawl', I think will help me in the transition from this stage of my life to the next which I shall be entering in just a few short months. I can hide behind it and observe those who surround me without being fazed by whatever is happening in the 'outside world'. Sometimes I feel lonely in this enshrouded world that I have created for myself. There are only a couple of people who have the right to cross the smoke veil. And none of them are here with me. I feel like more of an introvert than I've ever felt in a very long time. I shun all attachment. In my quest to be as free as a bird, I am trapping myself in a cage of smoke. But I know it's only temporary. I will shrug off the smoke shawl as soon as I start the next phase of my life. I hope this will make the transition easier, smoother, and less painful.

A bientôt

Would you be my Sugar Daddy?

One of the sites that I peruse when I'm bored, is glamour.com. I love it because they talk about such a variety of subjects, albeit somewhat shallow. I wasn't very shocked when I came across a title that said, 'would you accept an expensive gift?" Of course, being the materialistic girl I am, I went and read the article, and lo and behold I discover the existence of a website that is made for rich men and women searching for companionship, be it sexually,socially or both. The concept of Sugar Daddies/ Mommies and Sugar Babies is something that is saved from being labelled as prostitution by the fact that in exchange for the money the Daddies and Mommies spend on them, the Babies not only provide them with sex, but other services such as housekeeping or companionship.

In a world where life is getting more and more expensive, and money is constantly on the back of your mind, be it because of that morgage that you have to pay off, the University tuition you need to find or the bonus that you didn't get last month. In addition society has become more and more consumeristic, forcing some to keep pace with the rest of their entourage by indebting themselves more and more. And I won't even get started on the current Recession.

Therefore, I find it quite normal that this Sugar daddy/baby relationship has evolved and is expanding today. In fact this phenomenon is simply a mutation of the age old heterosexual relationship of men providing financial security in exchange for women's sexual capacity to provide and raise children. The only thing different in the 21st century is that the children have been dropped somewhere along the mutation process.

In fact, this trend can been seen in most relationships. Whether they admit it or not, women look for men who can provide them financial security, and men look for women who can keep then sexually satisfied. Of course, I'm not trying to belittle things like 'Love', but somewhere between the sweet nothings, and the amourous declarations, you can still find remnants of these stone age tendencies...

My evaluation.

I can't stomach the idea of being with someone just for the money or forcing myself to provide companionship. In an article about the site, it is said that most Sugar Babies pick and choose their benefactors, but I really don't see myself selling myself to someone i don't feel attracted to.

But if i DO find someone who's good looking, smart AND rich, who I'm very attracted to, even only physically, THEN, I would definitely consider being a Sugar Baby. What girl doesn't like being petted and pampered.

According to Freud, in the Oedipus complex, most girls want to sleep with their daddy, maybe what he really meant was 'Sugar' daddy...

A bientôt

Hope

It's the Light at the end of the tunnel,
It's St. Peter at the Pearly white gates,
It's the 72 virgins in Paradise,
It's the ultimate destination of nirvana,
It's that vice like grip of a tiny hand,
It's the soothing voice of a mother,
It's that subtle scent of the one you love,
It's a palm held open,
It's a smile thrown your way,
It's the bond of friendship that defies time and space,
It's that castle high up in the clouds,
It's the silver lining,
It's the sun that peeps through those grey clouds,
It's whatever you make it, whatever you want it to be.
But it is.
Simply
Hope

Intoxicated

Just one drink more. One's not going to make a difference, I've already had about 5. Shots? Yes. Why not? I love tequila. Oh, you wanna buy me a drink? Why thank you. I'll have Sex on the Bar, i mean Beach, I mean the cocktail, 'Sex on the Beach', I love peach. I'm feeling fine. Look at me, I can walk in straight line. You want me to walk back in a straight line? Hihihi I didn't realise I was walking backwards. Can a bum a cigarette of you? Thanks. That's a sweet thing to say. I'm blushing! Mmm really? My lips taste like peaches? Whoooops, I'm sorry I fell into you, it's so hard to balance, my heels are far too high! Yes, you can leave your hands there. Mhmm, what? another drink! Body shots! Mmm you're tongue feels so good on my collarbone... A nightcap? Oh you live close by do you? A bottle of rosé? Now how can I say no to that? Let me just tell my friend. I'm a going. I kno, I kno, but he za friend of that otha guy. E's ok. Don' worry 'bout me. Yeaa, I'll text, I'll drop in on ma way home. Let's go.

Good Morning.

The Simple Life

They say that life is what you make of it. They also say that you reap what you sow. So, if you make you’re life complicated, you can’t expect it to be anything more or less than exactly that.

I think I’m a complicated person. I also think that people are complicated in general. But then again, some, like me, are not only complicated, but want complicated things. I expect a lot from life, I look to the stars and beyond, and I believe that my ambitions can be achieved, someday, somehow. I have a lot of things I want to see, a lot of things I want to do, many experiences I would like to add to my ever-growing list. The fact that I want to make so much of my life, and want to reap so many different kinds of things, in such a vast area, makes actually SOWING that harvest so much more difficult. To a point when sometimes my hope falters, and I question myself as to whether I’ll actually reach those stars one day… It also makes me wonder if my expectations of life are too high, too complicated. These thoughts are fuelled by the examples I see of those who live what I consider to be a ‘Simple Life’, and who are absolutely happy with what they have.

One example is my second cousin (mum’s cousins daughter). She went to a normal public school, got normal A-Level results; in fact did them twice from what I recall, got a normal job. I would, as might be guessed, peg her as a normal girl. A few years ago, she married a pretty normal guy, and recently she had her first baby. And all before she hit 30.

We went to visit her today, and I saw how happy she was. Her husband was loving, kind, and great with the baby, the baby was beautiful and healthy, and she lived pretty comfortably, not lacking for anything that was essential. It all seemed so simple. This is what she expected of her life: to be married, with children, living in a good house, with a good job and happy.

I look at myself and realise how I could never be happy with just that. I can’t have a normal job, I want an extraordinary job, a job that is really hard to get, but which I know would be ideal for me. I want to be the Secretary General of the UNO. And I can’t have a normal husband. My partner (notice I said partner, not husband), if I ever have one, needs to stimulate me in every possible way. He needs to keep up with me, and ideally, I should be trying to keep up with him. I want him to be smarter than I am, but equally ambitious and he has to challenge me, be it in the bedroom or the boardroom. So in addition to loving me, he also has to fulfil all these requirements and more to not only win my love, but also the place at my arm. The house, I really don’t mind, if I had my dream job, and my dream partner I think I would be complete enough to live anywhere. And as for children, for now, I’m not sure. If ‘he’ convinces me it’s a good idea, and if ‘he’ can guarantee twins or triplets, then I might consider…

But I digress.

That was but a short rendition of the high expectations that I harbour. Yet I think it is sufficient to express how complicated it all would be to obtain. My job itself would require at least 5 more years of education, and many many more years of work experience, political backing, and some old fashioned good luck! The man, well that is something I cannot time, although I would if I could.

And I know that I need all of this to be really happy with my life. I know that the process of getting there will make me very happy. But I will not be truly content, till I’ve achieved what I want, till the harvest is brought home.

What plagues me is whether I’m missing something. Am I missing out on the simple life by having such bloody grand expectations? Should I set my sights a bit lower?

But I know myself, setting the sights lower would not mean reaching happiness faster, because it would not make me happy. My goals are high for a reason, because when I reach those goals, I would be so happy I'd be FLYING!

So the simple life, just isn’t for moi. I’ll just have to rough it out, and when the hope waivers I’ll just have to remind myself, that I can’t settle for less, simply because of who I am.

A bientôt

Good things

I just got an email from a good friend who i've known for about a year now. She's a truly amazing person, full of life, and just a pleasure to be around, and who i miss dearly as a result of our geographic seperation. In her email she told me about this guy who she met at a party, who had come to her birthday on friday. Apparently they had a mutual attraction. But ''somehow'' she got very drunk, and was extremely sick. And this guy held her hair up while she heaved etc. Yesterday he had called her, gone and helped her look for her lost phone, and spent the whole day with her... She sent me the email because she felt like telling someone how happy she was and that she thinks "this one might be a keeper".

Reading that email made me so happy!! Not an artificial happiness because i felt i was MEANT to be happy, but genuine happiness for the good thing that happened to my friend. She has been single for quite a while now, with unsuccessful stints with a few guys who weren't very good to her. And I have a feeling, this one is going to be different...

So here she is reaping the benefits of her patience. Good things do come to those who wait, but they also come to those who are capable of grasping those occasions. The situation might present itself due to your patience, but unless you are capable of taking the extra step to see what the situation might lead you to, your patience is pointless.

Sometimes situations present themselves, you take that leap of faith, but then you don't make the effort to maintain the momentum. And someone else grabs the chance that was yours. So good things do happened to people who are patient. But when they do, unless you make a positive attempt to keep things good, the chance will simply slip by.

I have been contemplating about good things without even trying to explain what these elusive creatures might be. Good things for me, are things that make you happy. Those moments, situations, people, places, things that can bring a smile to your face and makes your heart flutter with joy.

I could feel my friends heart fluttering through her words, through the computor screen, the thousands of miles between us. That's how happy she was.

I don't know if it's an after effect of that substance i consumed yesterday but i have been feeling so light, so happy, so ready to share that happiness. I can simply sit in one place and smile.

I think good things might be happening to me too.

A bientôt