Vingt-quatre et seule

24. Hours in a day. Two dozens. Years that have passed in my life. 

Sometimes it surprises me how much I've aged. Here I am in the room in which I grew up. The room my mother lulled me to sleep as a child, the room where I used to dream of growing up, of being a Big girl. Of being beautiful and having everything my small mind could think of. But at 24, I still don't have everything I dreamt of. Sure I have the education I wanted. But I'm still not done with it, not by a long shot! I'm alone. I don't have the boy that I dreamt of having as a little girl. There's no Ken to my Barbie. 

I feel SO alone sometimes I wish I could just let go of everything. I wonder what would happen if my life ended now. Right at this moment. I miss so many people. Sure I have my parents and my brother. I love my mother and my baby brother to bits. But they don't provide the companionship that I need. I miss my best friends. I miss HAVING a best friend just a phone call or a text or an IM away. I have friends here, sure, but none who I can really depend on to just drop everything and come to me when I need them. I know that my best friends would do that, if they didn't have so many oceans to cross to get here... 

I don't think what I need is really a boy. That's just a way to fill up my loneliness. I have work, I have exams to study for but what about when I don't want to think of any of those things? What do I have then? Just me, myself and I. 

I usually love being alone. Solitude is not something I fear. But there are times like these when I'd rather be surrounded by people. I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm depressed. I read somewhere that if you're dehydrated you get depressed. Maybe I'm dehydrated? I don't know... I wish I knew what I could do to make this right. 

I want to make new friends but my time is filled up with work and studying and family, I don't have time for anything else. I thought I'd made a new friend, but apparently he was looking for more than friendship. I HATE that! I can't spend time with him anymore knowing that. 

I'm twenty four years old and I feel alone. There aren't even 24 people in this country I can say are my friends. I'm SUCH a loser. For someone who seems so extroverted and fun, I'm a total loser. It's just that I don't let anyone notice. 

I'm ranting to no-one about feeling alone. Isn't that the ultimate loneliness? 

I guess it would be more useful for me to read a book. 

A bientôt

Trying to be a less anti-social blogger..

So, I saw this adorable comment this morning from Ally of Veritable Ally  and it made me feel happy. Quite simple really. It's strange how a small act can make you feel so good. I guess that's the beauty of the Internet. Thus I decided that I should probably start being more sociable on my blog. 

I rarely update, only when I feel the urge to empty my mind of thoughts no amount of talking with friends could resolve... Or simply when I get the urge to write. Which mostly I do on paper. And I reply to comments even more rarely! Which is very rude of me I admit because I really do appreciate those who follow me and take the time to stop and read these meandering thoughts of mine that they may or may not relate to. 

So whilst saying Thank You to my followers and commentors. Here's me accepting the award from Ally and writing down Ten Things about me. Which is strange actually because I write so much here that many don't even know about. But well, here goes. 

I weigh 50kg (and trying very hard to lose 2kg) 

I love turquoise blue, my room's that colour

I still miss my cat Salem

I've slept with someone from every continent except Antarctica

Sometimes I feel alone even when I'm surrounded by people

I started a new job at a law firm and i'm loving it! 

I had a random thought today about maybe getting back with my French ex (the one who i was with for 3 years...) We always said that we'd be so much better together if we had met when we were older.. 

I used to have a belly piercing 

Some people say i look like Eva Longoria, I hope I find a Tony Parker too!

I'm glad I started this blog. It turned out much more than i expected it to be

That's it for now. 

A bientôt

 

High Class Whore?

There are times when i wonder whether i was meant to be born in this country. Times like these when my own mother comes up with these ridiculous notions that have basis only on the equally ridiculous social structure of this country and more particularly this city.

So today, I went to watch a piano recital at a well known theatre in town. It's hard to find people to watch a piano recital with so when a German guy who i had met recently, wanted to join me. I was thrilled. Also because he seemed like a genuinely nice person and i would like to become friends with him. So we went, had a lovely time. I was even motivated to take up playing the piano again!
Coming back, i saw that my mother had tried to call me several times, asking me to come home asap.
I arrived home, and as i was getting out of the car, my mother seemed nervous and tense. I thought something was very wrong. Maybe there was a big fight with my father...

But no, she was thinking (usually NOT a good thing) and realised that being seen with a foreign boy, alone, would cause a stain on my 'reputation' as i would be perceived as a high class prostitute by 'society'!!!!!

I didn't know how to react. So i reacted the only way i thought was appropriate. I laughed! I told her she was being silly!

But to be honest, I know that it is highly possible that there are people who would think that. Society in this city is such that seeing a girl, with a different 'White' boy on two different occasions would immediately make her a high class whore!

The worse thing is that i've already had someone think this of me. A few years back, when i was still with my long term french boyfriend. We were in the country for holidays, and taking a Tuk Tuk to the cinema. My boyfriend didn't have change for the Tuk Tuk guy so left me at the tuk tuk and went to a supermarket to get some change. While we were waiting, the Tuk Tuk guy asked me whether i want some numbers of white guys...

It took me a while to understand what he meant, but once i did understand, i waited until the Tuk Tuk guy was long gone before telling my boyfriend who understandably got very livid. Just because i have brown skin, and he has white, what right does anyone have to cheapen the love we had?

But the 'Society' my mother is referring to is not the one that the Tuk Tuk driver belongs to. This is the one that moves in certain circles, goes for plays and gallery openings and include the who's who of the City/Country. This is the same society that is supposed to be the crème de la crème. Who i would expect to be educated and modern. Yet this same group is very capable of labelling a girl a whore simply because she has male friends who happen to be of 'white' skin!

And i come back to wondering why i was born into this 'Society'. A society of narrow minded idiots. A society which has no capacity to understand that we are now in a global village. Colour and creed and nationality don't effect relationships, whether romantic or not.

It's unfair that I be judged for having friends of different colours! Of loving those of different colours! Its unfair; but what can i do? How can i change society?

I can't. But maybe i can try?

A bientôt

More to Life?

I just came home from a meeting with someone with a very intelligent person who I went to for advice on what to do next now that I have finished my Masters. He pointed out something that noone else, not even my mother, has told me : there is more to life that studies and work! 

It sounds like a cliché, but I have never really considered that. Upto now, my life has been a series of steps on the educational ladder. At 24 my next steps would be to pass the Bar exam, get a job and do a Phd. Somehow everything else faded away into the background as insignificant details. But this person made all those details come back into focus again. 

Of course, I can't say I don't have a life. But have I really put enough effort into it? In the last five years I have never really paid much attention to my family. In fact I've been trying to run away from them. I've had one long term relationship and when that failed I just gave up and took the easy way by having an endless line of flings and being attracted to unavailable men. I have 2 friends I would give my life for, but I haven't made a real effort in widening my friend base. I have acquaintances not friends. 

And every time I give my education and career as an excuse to hide from any significant relationship. My education is more important. My career is more important. But in reality, IS it? 

I feel like a horse who's blinds have been taken off. I've been looking ahead towards my studies and my career, I haven't seen what I've put to the sidelines. 

And now I have decisions to make. Am I going to keep running away and find a job overseas or am I going to stay at home and 'put down roots'? 

Every fibre of my brain tells me to run away! 

So why am I crying finally seeing what's been on the sidelines? 

The problem is that I DO NOT KNOW! 

I WANT to keep running, but I know I SHOULD stop... 

This is EXACTLY why I hate making decisions! 

Come on universe.. send me a sign!!!! 

A bientôt

Version 2.0

Yesterday was my mother's birthday. Unfortunately due to a flood imposed lock down, I wasn't able to get her a Birthday present. She stayed home from work, because she wasn't feeling too well. We went to see a doctor, did some groceries, then went to her cousin's place for lunch. It was a rather unexceptional day, but somehow it left me feeling so happy and positive and full of life. Perhaps it was that i spent some quality time with my family, drawing energy from the unconditional love that flows through families. I honestly don't know. What i do know is that i felt good. So that night i had a conversation with my OSM, she was telling me how she felt lost and overwhelmed with her impending graduation and the start of a new era. I don't know how the conversation got there, but I came up with the idea to start 'pruning our hedges'. Do some gardening in the garden of our lives, our personalities. Rather than worry about the future, prepare ourselves for it. Shake off habits that we don't need and acquire those that we do. Become the version 2.0 of ourselves. She decided to quit smoking. I decided to get more organized. We both decided to stop 'hooking up'. Just a few changes. Just enough to make an impact on our lives. 

We spend so much time, worrying about the future and other people, and how other people see us that we don't realise that what is most important is OURSELVES. The way WE see ourselves. Rather than contemplate a future that is not even in existence, I think the best thing to do, is to BE your future. BE who we want to be in the future. And we don't wait till the 'future' to start working towards that. We don't have to have a job, a man, an appartment, a car to be WHO we want to be. 

I was so pumped up yesterday i could barely sleep. My OSM's grandfather told her that women tend to make plans but never actually act on them, and men on the other hand, act, even without the planning. I think there is a truth to this. I know that I have made many plans, plans that have only remained just that, plans. Nothing has come out of it. But this one, i believe WILL be actionable. I am certain of it. And I have start working on it from this morning! 

Let's see how it progresses. I'm very optimistic because I know that just in case I lag behind in my plan, i have my OSM to remind me, and vice versa. 

So here's to ME version 2.0! Let her be better, more effective and a whole lot more AWESOME! 

A bientôt

Home

I've been home for about a week now. What I love about it is that its been exactly the way I hoped it will be. I did nothing but relaxed, read and get pampered and fed without lifting a finger. Sometimes life is good when it's simple. I haven't really felt very social, despite friends asking me to meet up, I only gave in once to go see Iron man 2. And that too only because my brother was so intent on watching it, and I had promised him. Sometimes I withdraw into these anti social moods. It reminds me of the introvert inside me. It gives me perspective and allows me to focus on things more important than my social life. In the one week that I've been home, I think I've made quite a bit of progress in the job-search. Nothing conclusive, but I haven't really been trying hard enough. I think i need some time to take the edge off the last month. All that studying and partying really tired me. I need to get over that physical and mental exhaustion and be really ready for the next step in my life. It's going to be nice to go to my grandparent's house next week. A week away from the city, in the countryside, in their big beautiful house... I'm going to cook for them. Not the usual traditional food they're used to, but some 'continental' recipe's that I'm more familiar with. It'll be lovely to spend more than a weekend with them. Family just gives you an energy that other people don't seem to be able to. Except maybe my best friends. But since I can't be with them. Family is what I've got here and now. 

I've been thinking about my friend. I never did tell him how I felt. But I think it's better this way. I miss him. But I'll get used to it. We weren't meant to be. No point pondering what might have been. Unfortunately, the lack of anything else to distract me, I've been pondering it anyway. Oh well, soon, life will catch up and I will have more important things to think about. 

Since I'm back home, I think I'll go on a sex fast. I've realised that my list of notches on the bedpost have been slowly increasing. And I'm not quite sure I'm very happy about it. I can't say I'm wildly promiscuous. But for someone who's almost 24, and hasn't been sexually active for all too long, my numbers don't make me look much like a nun! So maybe a few weeks/months of celibacy will do me good... Maybe wait for something worthwhile. 

Ahh i know I say that many times and never stick to it. But maybe this time i will. There's nothing wrong with some wishful thinking! =) 

A bientot

Last Days..

It's my last few days here...

I have an exam tomorrow. My last exam hopefully for a while... I'm not prepared half as well as I should be. On top of that I'm SICK! Not extremely but I'm pretty sure i have a slight fever and well, I LOOK sick! I look pale and my eyes are dull.. I hate looking at myself in the mirror when I look at that, worse perhaps than actually feeling like it. I know I should try hard since it's probably the final hurdle of my Masters. But I feel exhausted! And i'm finally starting to realise that I'm leaving in a few days. Partings ways with all the amazing people I met here. I'm going to miss all of them, especially a certain friend who has NO idea how I feel about him. I adore him, I like him more than a friend, but well, I guess he'll never know and now is not the time for confessions. Maybe in a few years I'll tell him and we'll laugh about it. 

But right now, it's not just about him. It's about me. About where I am in life... Something I haven't been able to get myself to think about, something I've been DREADING thinking about. They say life is full of possibilities, but nobody ever says how HARD it is to deal with so many possibilities. How painful it is to choose! I've never been good at deciding things. Life seemed to just decide things for me... things always flowed, at least education and career-wise. As to men, well, I guess I'm still now ready for commitment. I thought I wanted something stable and loving. But more I think of it... less I believe it's for me. Oh well, I don't know where the currents in this river of life are going to take me next. I guess I'll just have to cross my fingers and hope I don't hit any hidden rocks. 

I should get back to revising now. 

A bientôt