Tuesday, May 25, 2010

More to Life?

I just came home from a meeting with someone with a very intelligent person who I went to for advice on what to do next now that I have finished my Masters. He pointed out something that noone else, not even my mother, has told me : there is more to life that studies and work! 

It sounds like a cliché, but I have never really considered that. Upto now, my life has been a series of steps on the educational ladder. At 24 my next steps would be to pass the Bar exam, get a job and do a Phd. Somehow everything else faded away into the background as insignificant details. But this person made all those details come back into focus again. 

Of course, I can't say I don't have a life. But have I really put enough effort into it? In the last five years I have never really paid much attention to my family. In fact I've been trying to run away from them. I've had one long term relationship and when that failed I just gave up and took the easy way by having an endless line of flings and being attracted to unavailable men. I have 2 friends I would give my life for, but I haven't made a real effort in widening my friend base. I have acquaintances not friends. 

And every time I give my education and career as an excuse to hide from any significant relationship. My education is more important. My career is more important. But in reality, IS it? 

I feel like a horse who's blinds have been taken off. I've been looking ahead towards my studies and my career, I haven't seen what I've put to the sidelines. 

And now I have decisions to make. Am I going to keep running away and find a job overseas or am I going to stay at home and 'put down roots'? 

Every fibre of my brain tells me to run away! 

So why am I crying finally seeing what's been on the sidelines? 

The problem is that I DO NOT KNOW! 

I WANT to keep running, but I know I SHOULD stop... 

This is EXACTLY why I hate making decisions! 

Come on universe.. send me a sign!!!! 

A bientôt

8 comments:

whatsupdoc? said...

oye! chanced upon ur blog...all of them have too much hope and magical expectations in them! and yeah life's not abt studies at all :P...anyway have u read Paulo Coelho's Brida? if not chk it out...

Karlijn said...

I guess you just focused to much on you're studies.. Didn't you? Well, where are you waiting for? enjoy life! go on a trip through europe for a year or something.. Meet new people!
That always reliefs me...

Life's a Bee!! said...

FORGET ABOUT THAT PHD for now. Remember what life was like before you devoted your life to studying. Did you enjoy music? Books? Dancing? Figure that out & go do it!

Take a small break from studying, work, & school and focus on you. When you figure out what it is you enjoy doing & what it is you don't want to ever stop doing again, then decide what you want to do with your life.

You won't be happy until you do the things you love & work your career/education around it not the other way around.

Hope that helps! Good luck!

joven said...

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joven said...

beautiful blog..pls visit mine and be a follower.. thanks and God bless..

http://forlots.blogspot.com/

joven said...

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Girl of Desires said...

heyyy!!! i left u a comment b4... i dunno if u read it?...

i jes love yr blog!! becoz its exactly d words i wud put down.. n i feel exactly d way u do!! n i dunno how d hell our lives r almost parallel.. but i still hvent figured out wer r u rite now!!... im in paris for a few more weeks..interning.. i knw its too much to ask... but if we can correspond sum how!!! i hve loads to discuss wid u..i understnd if u dont want to.. but jes respond... n i hope d response is soon as i wud leave paris end of july..

lucky_me said...

Hey Girl of Desires. I'm sorry i didn't see your comment. As you might notice, i don't post quite often and i read comments even more rarely. I'm not in France at the moment. But you can write to me at ur_lucky4me@hotmail.com.

Biz