Tired...

What happened to the girl who can have fun in an almost empty bar?

Something that i don't understand is why i am constantly feeling tired. I feel like i lack the energy to do anything, and therefore what i would like to do is just sleep!! I don't know if this has some subconscious implications. But i don't even have the will power to ponder too long about it. The only thought i'm putting into this is this blog post. Which is already too much. I HATE feeling this weak! I feel like the life is being sucked out of my little by little... I don't know by who or by what. Maybe I'm just lazy! But i'm NOT! I didn't used to be this way! I'm usually full of life! What happened to that girl? Where did she go? Where did i leave her? Can she come back? Do i WANT her to come back? Hmm... questions... always questions. Never answered! Do they need to be answered?

Bref!

A bientôt

100 Things You Might Not Know About Me... IM BORED AT WORK!

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
Ones on my left wrist - fell off a table and broke my wrist. Have 6 stitches.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Nothing. Don't have time to go look for blue tac

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
I grind my teeth apparently

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
um depends on my mood

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
Nope

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
to get into my master's program!

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Oh man LONG list, but mainly T, A, Salem and being my usual crazy self!

8. WHAT IS/ARE YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
my Harry Potter collection!!

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
Not very

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
nope

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Sometimes

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
my ex

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME FOR A GIRL?
White musk by Body Shop (i jst finished mine and craving for it!)

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Dark hair, Blue/green/grey Eyes

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED AT?
Um if ever, Montmatre, Paris

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
Energy drink

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
Quatro Fromaggi or Duck and fresh cream YUM!

18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
A duck and fresh cream pizza!

19. Ask me anything you want, and I might tell you.
'might' being the key word here

20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
errr NO

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
can't remember

22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY?
Not just ANYBODY but some ppl

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
nope

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
H&M!!!!!!!!!!! and Zara

25. Refer to # 19
no

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
Salem (not right now, bt doesn't mean i can stop loving him)

27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
Beautiful pure black cat!

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
sometimes u can't help it, but NO

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU:
A look is sometimes better than words

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
7

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
Neither

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN?
My mum in SL, A in France, T in highschool

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
not being able to do something

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
never been there

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
tickling, harry potter, clothes, best friends (both weakness and strength) and relationships

36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
I met this famous sri lankan actor/politician dude

37. FIRST JOB?
McDonalds!

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Of course!

39. FIRST CONCERT?
vengaboys

40. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
YES :S

41. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
Working. Or trying to

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
unfortunately, looks :S

43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD GLASSES?
no

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I want Salem back

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
No biological kids, i'll probably adopt.

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Nope

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
Yea, i used to wish i cud have a million more wishes. Silly me!

48. WHAT KIND OF CHAPSTICK DO YOU USE?
Classic

49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
Aussie haircare

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yea it's not too bad

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Tuna

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
plenty

53. WHAT CD ARE YOU MOST EMBARRASSED TO HAVE ON YOUR SHELF?
i think i still have a westlife one somewhere

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
yes

55. CLASS THAT SURPRISED YOU THE MOST SO FAR?
Errr?

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Apparently yes. Bt it's not all.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Scream. If not i smoke (used to)

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
no second home. Home is only one place

59. FAVORITE PLACE TO CLEAR YOUR MIND?
Beach

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
My doll Natascha

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
Haven't counted.

62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
No!

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?#
ERRR YEA RIGHT!

64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
mac and CHEEESE!

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Make me laugh and great chemistry

66. WHAT ARE YOU NICKNAMES?
Plenty

68. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
Gossip girl

69. WHAT WAS YOUR ACT/SAT SCORE?
oh i did psats... cant remember what i got tho

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
cookie cream

71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
ya

72. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
does yoga count?

73. DID YOU NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO #19?
there was

74. WHATS THE FASTEST YOU HAVE GONE IN A CAR?
190 on baseline road in a skyline like 5 years ago

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
everyone? well whoever is bored enuf

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
Rain

77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
Green tea

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
mum

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX?
Smile

80. FAVORITE THOUGHT-PROVOKING SONG?
the sunscreen song

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
sleazyness, narrowmindedness and submission

82. FAVORITE MONTH OF THE YEAR?
don't really have one

83. ZODIAC SIGN?
Virgo

84. FAVORITE THING TO COLLECT?
Stones

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Black

86. EYE COLOR?
Black

87. SHOE SIZE?
37

88. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
Don't like fast food!

89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
mango tree and sakura

90. YOU LIKE SUSHI?
YEA!

91.Last thing u watched?
CNN

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
NYE

93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
piano

94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
neither

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
hugs

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Depends on where i am in life

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
Pastries

98. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU HAVE?
Don't have one, used to have a Mini that was for me tho

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Une longue dimanche des fiancailles

100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE:
Non existant!

Turn over another page...

'Tis over with new boy. I haven't really told him yet but i know that i don't want to be with him in 'that' way. He's perfect in the way that he's nice and kind and sweet and understanding and caring etc etc etc BUT that's not enough. You know when you're with someone and you just HAVE to be close to him in every way, touch him even if it's just brushing his hand? Well i don't have that with him. And when i hung out with a couple this weekend i realized that i WANT that! I want to not be able to sit next to a boy without holding his hand, or brushing against him in some way so that there's a constant connection. It's not sexual, merely that electric feeling of wanting to be with someone. As horrible as it ended, i remembered how it was with my Ex, and WOW it was amazing!! For the 2 and a half years we were together, we always had that unavoidable force pulling us together. OK it wasn't so strong in the end, bt it was still there.

I want that. I want to feel like that again. And i am not going to feel that with new boy. I tried, I resisted my initial urge to split when things got a bit slow, and i tried. But i can't force what should come naturally. Yet i feel guilty for having to break up with him. It won't be a surprise as i have already told him that "something was off" (yes i actually said that!). I don't want to waste his time. He's too nice for me to do that. I only hope that we can b friends afterwards cuz he really is a nice guy!

Oh well i guess i'm back to being alone! Any ideas where i can meet a not so nice cutie who's got an appetite for fun and don't mind a fling?

I realised through the 'new boy' experience that I can't have an entirely nice boy, I need someone who's a bit more exciting! I also know that i'd rather be alone than with someone I don't really fancy... So till that person comes along. Je suis célibataire!

A bientôt

I miss you :'(

I miss you my trilingual baby who loves to sleep on my ass, has amazingly good senses about which guys are worth it and which are not, who loves being petted, who comes looking for me when i go have a shower, who leaves me gifts of dead birds to welcome be back from classes, who is a total player(like mother like child), who chaperons me to the tram and always turns up when i come home from a night out, who keeps me company while i study and sometimes gives me an excuse NOT to study, who chats on msn, who smokes up, rides a skateboard, and drinks beer (ok that's not my fault) and who is the most HANDSOME cat in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD!

I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU AND I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!

Mama manque you!!

Jsui pas bien...

Quand les choses commence enfin à se mettre en place. Quand tout les côtés de ma vie sont enfin là où je les veux, il y arrive quelquechose pour gacher cet équilibre si parfait.. Et c'est MOI qui est à l'origine! C'est MOI qui n'est pas bien. Qui ne peut pas garder quelquechose qui était si bien, qui m'a fait sentir SI complète. Je n'arrive pas à être contente sans compliquer ma vie. Je pleure. Je ne peux pas continuer comme ca. J'ai MAL. J'ai mal au coeur, j'ai mal à la tête, j'ai mal dans ma peau... J'ai envie d'être quelqu'un d'autre. De m'envoler à un autre monde ou rien ne peut me toucher. Où il existe une vraie vie en rose...
Mais ce n'est qu'une rêve. Une espérence d'une fille, une fille si jeune et naïve qu'elle ne peut pas faire fâce à la réalité qui existe autours d'elle.
Je veux être Alice, et aller au Pays des merveilles, traverser mon miroire et me retrouver dans une autre dimension. Là, où je vais bien. Où je peux être attiré par cet homme si sympa, si bien... Là, où je peux être complète sans penser à la desire corporelle. Là, où je ne me sens pas comme une bête qui ne pense qu'à une chose!

Hèlas, c'est toujours une rêve.

Dans la réalité, je dois faire fâce à mes problèmes sans m'enfuire dans une facon ou l'autre.

Et je crois qu'après avoir mis les choses en noir et blanc, je me trouve dans une position de cerner une solution à mon problème.

Cette solution se trouve dans 2 mots- LE TEMPS.

Biensur ce n'est pas le seul chose que je peux faire. Je dois aussi faire un effort.
Mais avec le temps je peux voir comment je ressens vraiment. J'ai peur, j'ai peur de refaire les fautes que j'ai fais une fois. Je ne peux quand meme pas continuer ma vie en étant peur de répeter le passé. C'est impossible de repeter le passé, je dois toujours me rappeler de ça!

C'est une nouvelle personne, des nouveux circonstances, une nouvelle vie, un nouveux MOI.

Je VEUX faire cet effort. Je VEUX donner du temps.

Mais j'ai toujours mal à la tête, et jsui pas tout à fait bien...

Je sais pourtant, que ça va aller...

A bientôt

Why is it that ..

Why is it that i can't have a simple life? Why do i have to clutter things with Drama?
Why is it that i'm not NICE? I AM nice! I try to be nice. I WANT to be nicer..
Why is it that when it rains men it simply pours? And why do i have these confused thoughts in my mind despite my stubborn efforts to keep things simple?
Why is it that life throws things at you that you can't seem to handle? Why is it that life is so unfair like that?
Why can't we have a selective consciousness and be able to filter things that we don't want to know, or don't want to deal with?
Why is it that life is so complicated?
Why is it that I just want to shut out the raised voices of the parents and ignore the tears and the cruel remarks?
Why is it that i can't simply live in a parallel world where none of this affects me?
Why is it that sometimes i feel like i actually DO live in a parallel world, and i see things that go around me through the eyes of a narrator?
Why is it that i can't simply be happy with no complications, no troubles, no worries?
Why is it that things are never easy?
Why?
Why is it?
Why is it that...

A demain...

A demain, meaning 'see you tomorrow' in french, was something that my ex used to tell me every night. He used to freak out if i forgot to say "Je t'aime, à demain'' even ONE night!
The problem he had was that he was very insecure about the people around him. Especially the ones he cared about. He was constantly paranoid that they were going to leave him... So getting me to say "à demain" was his way of assuring that i would be there the next day.

I used to comply with this idiosyncrasy of his. But i am not someone who believes in looking too far ahead. And even tomorrow seems like way too far ahead to plan out. Carpe Diem is something that I like to take very seriously! But of course, because of the way society is, it's hard to live entirely for the day. So i have made a compromise, one that i have had to make in many ways, to be able to live in this world governed by society. I look ahead about a year roughly, and about 3 months concretely. So basically if you tell me what i'll be doing in the next three months i can tell you. But if you ask me about fall 2009... well then i'll get a bit flustered and throw in a few errr.. well...'s.

A day like yesterday i really wanted to be completely Carpe Diem. Because I was reminded how fragile life really is..

First of all, around 5 i found out that a grandma of mine (not techinically, she was my grandpa's cousin) had passed away the night before. She was old, and very ill. I had been to see her about ten days ago, and perhaps death brought her more peace that life. Yet somehow, having someone who has been around your whole life, who used to come for birthday's, give you all the sweets your parents would deny you, who would always be so sweet and loving (compared to my own grandma who's a total grouch) and then realising that that person is not there anymore. It's something strange and even though i wasn't very close to her as i grew older, she was still a constant in my life.. And now she's no more... It took me a while to get over the shock of this realisation... some time and a few cigarettes (they help me calm down)!!

And then, when i had just finished my fifth consecutive ciggie, i get a call from Father. A guy who used to work with him, who i had met and talked to when i came down to SL in summer, and i had hung out with just last month, was kidnapped by the Taliban! I was in SHOCK! At first it didn't register. I was like are you SURE it's him? The TALIBAN? What was he doing in Kabul? Wasn't he supposed to be in France? Lots and lots of questions popped up. My dad didn't know enough to answer. I tried to call a guy who would know, but the number was busy. And i had to go for this thing. I was a MESS!!! I was in SHOCK! How do these things happen? How in the world does someone I know get kidnapped? Could this day get any WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!

Then i got more information from that other guy, they didn't know much. Just what was on the french newspaper site. His name was on. It was definitely him! Then this guy started talking about statistics, and his chances etc etc... and OMG it isn't good...

It helped that the people i was with were not very interested, and were joking around. I was a bit annoyed that they didn't find this shocking or weren't concerned, but it helped me to calm my nerves a bit.

And today i went to see the french paper... nothing new. No more news. I suppose we have to wait and pray for the best.

So coming back to what i was talking about first. Tomorrow - you can never be sure of it. The only thing that you can hope, is that you have made the best of your life today so that if tomorrow never comes, you'll know that you have had a good life.

I can honestly say today that i have had a good life, and despite the many glitches, if i die tomorrow i would be happy of the life i have lived and my life today...

ps: i always end with 'à bientôt' because it means 'see you soon', and therefore doesn't indicate any specific time. It can be in an hour, a decade or in another life...

A bientôt

and

Carpe Diem!

Naughty or nice...

On friday night I had a conversation that is very vague in my mind (due to the amounts of beer consumed) about what sort of person i am...

The one who i was having the conversation with didn't really know me very well. We had met out a few times, and we've talked a bit. But he didn't really know me enough to judge me on what sort of person i am. But somehow we got into this conversation about how he thinks that i'm not nice! He didn't mean it in a way that i was cruel but that i was more funky and weird and naughty that downright NICE! The conversation was interesting because I had just introduced new boy to the bunch of people i go out with, and he obviously is VERY NICE! So this particular guy at one point in the conversation, i think, told me that i shouldn't be with new boy cuz he seems really nice and that i'm not that nice! Of course when he said that, i agreed that i'm probably not the nicest or the sweetest person out there, but i think i deserve a nice guy like new boy and then i walked over and kissed new boy (which was my way of saying HA! SEE? I'm with him watever u say!)
But later on in the night i had told new boy that i'm not that nice... So obviously this conversation about how naughty or nice i am really struck me.
I don't consider myself an angel, nor do i think i'm a devil (although my ex called me that many time after the 'dumping')... But deep down i think it's mainly because of the way i handled the whol 'ex situation' that i think that i'm not so nice... I can be cruel, especially with men. I have turned some down in brutal way. I am not one for tact. When i say no, it's NO!
Anyway, i'm not entirly sure that i didn't misinterprete the conversation i had with that particular person because i was drunk and he was drunk etc.. But then again, it was a LOT to have misinterpreted...
All in all, i think that i can't really decide whether i'm naughty or nice. I can just let the people i have around me decide for themselves. I don't like being labeled as ONE thing. I'd rather be a bit of both.
And the person who's opinion DOES matter thinks that i seem nice, and he's ready to take on some naughty if that's wat it takes... *sigh and silly grin*
Also, i think i definitely deserve some NICEness from a guy since i've come across so many guys who are bad for me, and have pushed away the few nice ones who were even able to get close to me...
I am NOT usually like this! I've got SO many walls, which are one of the reasons that i've been having these doubts about myself. But somehow he's slowly, patiently, sweetly brushing them aside.
And it feels GOOD!

A bientôt