Anniversary

This day last year, I unceremoniously dumped my boyfriend of 2 and a half years on Skype chat. I knew exactly what I didn't want that day. And I am happy to say, that a year on, I am on the right path to knowing what i do want. Because of course, one cannot exactly know what one wants, at any given period in life... I am extremely content at what my life is today.
But reflecting back on the last 12 months, I realised just how much i went through. Just how many expriences I have acquired, that have enriched me as a person. Most of which I would never have had, if I had stayed with him. I am much more than who I was last year. I was always sure of my decision, but I have never been surer than today. At the same time, I know that this 'spot' that I am in right now was not easy to find, nor will it be easy to stay in. But I have worked hard to come here, and I deserve it.
Now I feel like I'm finally ready to let go of that hate, and frustration I had with him, and be able to treat him as someone who affected my life greatly. Who loved me (maybe still loves me), who showed me what it was like to be loved, who made me realize that love must be shared equally. If the balance is tipped, one side will just come crashing down. He made me realize that before I can love someone else, I have to love myself. And before I love myself, I have to figure out who I am...
I have a good idea of who I am today. And I want him to know the ME of today, because I'm sure it will help him let go of that little girl he fell in love with 4 years ago and who broke his heart one year ago.

A bientôt

Dressed to kill!

Recently someone tagged me on one of those stupid facebook personality tag pictures as 'the most stylish' or something of the sort. I found this pretty interesting. My mother would be extremely pleased. Because for her, I am the epitome of the lazy dresser. When we go to the supermarket I wear whatever i'm wearing at home which translates into 'whatever is the most comfortable even if it's ripped, stretched or discoloured'. She says that one should ALWAYS be meticulously well groomed. I have to admit that she has a point. You never know who you might bump into at the supermarket, for example you're crazy psycho ex from France?

But I DO love fashion. I love reading about it, looking at beautifully dressed people. But to me, being stylish is about confidence. If you are confident in whatever you are wearing, be it a ragged pair of jeans, a white tee and bedhead hair, you will look gorgeous because of your confidence. This I have noticed in my time in France. Especially the times i spent in Paris.

Doesn't she look like she spent a bare minimum of time putting together this chic outfit? And her hair! WOW

It truly is one of the fashion capitals of the world. Not for its haute couture but for the style of those elegent yet nonchalantly dressed parisians. I say parisians because it's not only the girls, but also the boys who have very good fashion sense.

Doesn't Clémence Poësy look gorgeously Parisian here?

The art of looking parisian, other than the 'Ooo la la, i am from Parris' attitude is the laid back look. Parisians look like they barely put 2 seconds into looking the way a common mortal like you and me might take HOURS and STILL fail to achieve.

So what i hope to achieve eventually with my style, is this 'laid back casual elegance' that oozes from those Parisiennes...
A real compliment for my style would be, "wow you look very Parisian" :)

For more beautiful Parisians go see Garance Doré or The Sartorialist

A bientôt

Looking before leaping

We talked. We argued. We assessed the situation. We came to a conclusion. We cleared up the grey and made things black and white. Now I feel like I miss the greys. Because then, I would have a reason to call him. Now, we have decided that we like eachother. But is that it? We shall 'see how it goes'? Let time tell? But why is there no effort from him, to even get to know me more? Or does he assume that I'll be out on Friday, as usual, and that we'll bump into eachother, as usual? And that I'll make a fool of myself... as usual!

I want to let him know that I think of him. That I want more than just to 'bump into each other', the 'occasional text' and 'drinks sometime'. But I agreed, that I don't want something serious either. So in my self contradiction. I fell into HIS manipulating hands, and HIS game.

I thought there was something worth holding onto. Something in his tone, his probing questions, his devious traps, that made me think, for a moment, that he might want something more... Something significant. This pacified me for a few days.

But now I'm wondering if he was simply playing a game... That it was all an act. That he wasn't as insecure as he seemed, or as I intepreted. Am I always supposed to do all the dirty work? Am I the one who has to 'prove myself'. That I'm not just playing with him.

Why can't I simply forget about it? Because I haven't been attracted to someone, in this way, in a long time. And I'm not willing to give up on it because he's such a hard nut to crack.

THAT's it. He thinks my goal is to CRACK him and then I'll get bored and move on. I don't WANT to do that. But the fact that he shows such little interest might make me want to give up and move on ANYWAY.

Perhaps that's what he's doing. Testing me... I'm up for the challenge. No way am I giving up now josé!

I know I'm exposing myself far too much. But I've looked before leaping. I've seen that dark ravine with only a faint shimmer to indicate what might be at the bottom.

Leaping now.

A bientôt

Life is a rollercoaster...

As Ronan Keating of Boyzone fame put it, life is indeed a rollercoaster ride. Especially with the swift changes in emotions that we sometimes experience. One moment i'm in cloud nine with a just a few words. And the next moment, with another brief sentence I'm in the depths of depression! I hate feeling this way! I hate being so vulnerable. I hate that he makes me feel this way. So raw. I wish i could rise above this about be completely unfazed by his apparent lack of interest. But I can't. All I can do is pretend to be unfazed. Be patient. However much times I repeat it to myself it simply does NOT get easier.

If life is indeed the rollercoaster it seems to be, then i think there's a high coming sometime soon..

A bientôt

A second could last a millenium

A brush of a hand, a glance my way,
The blood rushing through my veins.
Eyes meet, heat rises,
A second could last a millenium.

Lips part, tongue dances, I bite my lips and smile.
His chin rises as he smiles to himself, but only for a second.
And that second, lasts a millenium.

The power of a second, a moment in life, almost insignificant.
But for the eyes, for the heart, for the skin and soul,
A second could last a millenium.

Blood pressure rising, temperature soaring,
I can feel the sparks in the air.
Eyes colliding like atoms, to create a nuclear explosion in our bodies!

That electric touch, that nuclear glance,
A second could last a millenium.

I'm in a

... dreamworld

Sex, drugs and rock and roll...

In French, when someone tells you that you're very 'rock and roll', it means that ur very libertine, very open... To new experiences, to experimenting... That you embody the whole 'rock and roll' era. Although a few people tell me that i'm très rock and roll, i know that i'm not. I could introduce you to someone that is, but no, not me. Maybe i have some 'rock and roll' tendancies, but essentially i'm not.
Why do i know this? It's because i miss someone coming upto me from behind, wrapping his arms around me, and snuggling his face in my neck, in my hair, breathing me in. I miss the way it is to be looked at by a man who loves you, who looks at you as if you are perfection itself. I miss the way it feels to hear someone cry 'je t'aime' in the throws of passion. I miss saying ''good morning'', and really mean it because the morning started off beautifully. I miss holding hands under the table, rubbing eachothers hands with the thumb. I miss those whispery kisses running down my spine.

I have not be playing the 'game' for long. For most of the past 10 months that i have been single, i've been above 'the game'. I used the same field, but I was above all the rules, and I knew i would win without even bothering to play.

Like anything that is overdone, it got boring. So now, since of late, i have been trying to play the game, and i realise that i'm absolutely TERRIBLE! I hate the rules, maybe it's the habit of having overlooked them for so long. I feel confined into a one field whereas before, i could jump from one field to another without a thought! And unlike before, i do not know if i would win. My opponent used to only be a pawn in my win, but now, the win depends on him. I don't know how long i'll be able to keep up with this game. I am slowly learning the rules as i go along...

But i've gotten a taste for victory... I'm addicted to victory. Unfortunately my opponant is aware of this, and will force me to play my best game. But i have faith. Despite not being 100% sure of a win. I am 100% hopeful of it! If i don't win this game, there'll always be others... Yet, unlike when i used to be above 'the game', there are now risks. AHHH now that's the only thing that's keeping this game FUN!

A bientôt