24. Hours in a day. Two dozens. Years that have passed in my life.
Sometimes it surprises me how much I've aged. Here I am in the room in which I grew up. The room my mother lulled me to sleep as a child, the room where I used to dream of growing up, of being a Big girl. Of being beautiful and having everything my small mind could think of. But at 24, I still don't have everything I dreamt of. Sure I have the education I wanted. But I'm still not done with it, not by a long shot! I'm alone. I don't have the boy that I dreamt of having as a little girl. There's no Ken to my Barbie.
I feel SO alone sometimes I wish I could just let go of everything. I wonder what would happen if my life ended now. Right at this moment. I miss so many people. Sure I have my parents and my brother. I love my mother and my baby brother to bits. But they don't provide the companionship that I need. I miss my best friends. I miss HAVING a best friend just a phone call or a text or an IM away. I have friends here, sure, but none who I can really depend on to just drop everything and come to me when I need them. I know that my best friends would do that, if they didn't have so many oceans to cross to get here...
I don't think what I need is really a boy. That's just a way to fill up my loneliness. I have work, I have exams to study for but what about when I don't want to think of any of those things? What do I have then? Just me, myself and I.
I usually love being alone. Solitude is not something I fear. But there are times like these when I'd rather be surrounded by people. I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm depressed. I read somewhere that if you're dehydrated you get depressed. Maybe I'm dehydrated? I don't know... I wish I knew what I could do to make this right.
I want to make new friends but my time is filled up with work and studying and family, I don't have time for anything else. I thought I'd made a new friend, but apparently he was looking for more than friendship. I HATE that! I can't spend time with him anymore knowing that.
I'm twenty four years old and I feel alone. There aren't even 24 people in this country I can say are my friends. I'm SUCH a loser. For someone who seems so extroverted and fun, I'm a total loser. It's just that I don't let anyone notice.
I'm ranting to no-one about feeling alone. Isn't that the ultimate loneliness?
I guess it would be more useful for me to read a book.
A bientôt
