2011 - goal check

I have been a very very bad blogger. It's been almost 2 years since I last posted. I don't know why... but somehow blogging wasn't as cathartic as it first was.

 

Anyhow, I thought I would find my way back to blogging by giving a small update on 2011 since my last post was about my goals for the year.

 

- Zumba lessons

I did go for quite a few Zumba lessons, then I started on yoga, but I just had too much going on, and I stopped doing either.

 

- Movie

I didn't really do a movie.

 

- TV Commercial

I didn't do a TV Commercial either

 

BUT I did get paid about US$2000 for a modelling shoot! It was probably one of the weirdest experiences of my life... I did it with a friend, and well, the photographer was turned out to be quite dodgy. But the experience was worth it for sure!

 

- More French related stuff

In August 2011 I went to France with a french NGO called Secours Populaire as a translator for the a delegation in a youth camp. I was also helping out with the Fete de la Musique, and other activities at the Alliance.

 

- Article on Intellectual Property

Didn't do this sadly.

 

- Law College exams

FINALLY OVER! And i passed. Can't say I passed in flying colours but I passed and it's all that matters.

 

- Go to India (mumbai or delhi or both)

I DID this! I went to India December 2011 (Xmas and NYE), and went to Mumbai AND Delhi and even went to Jaipur! It was an amazing trip! I can't waito to go back again

 

- Grow hair longer and healthier

Just as I had wanted, my hair now covers my breasts, and it's lovely and long and healthy!

 

- More ME time

I'm not quite sure if I achieved this goal, but I'm sure I had some ME time.

 

- Learn Spanish

This again is something I did accomplish. I completed the begginners course in Spanish. Unfortunately I wasn't very happy with the teacher who was to teach the Intermediate course, so i stopped going for lessons.

 

- Fix teeth

This too has been done, although not in 2011, I finally went to the dentist and got a plate. I don't wear it as often as I want, but my teeth are on it's way to being completely fixed.

 

- Meet a man i can trust

NOPE! I did NOT meet a man I can trust, despite meeting quite a few men.

 

- WRITE

Obviously, as I didn't even write on my blog, I didn't write very much.

 

- fr/eng official Translator

As I said before, I was a translator for the youth camp in France. But I also did a translation for the PRESIDENT of the country who had a meeting with the head of a french NGO. It was an amazing experience!

 

All in all, I think i achieved more than half of the goals that i had set out. I think that's a pretty good tally!

 

 

Goals for 2011

It's another extremely slow and tiring day at work despite coming in at only 1.30 pm. The morning was interesting. I went for a screen test for a TV commercial and a potential movie. Walking up and down and turning left and right was all that was required for the commercial screen test but the movie required a bit more thought and effort. It had been a while since I did any improv so coming up with dialogues to suite the emotion changes that the director required was a bit difficult. Going from Happy to Sad to Angry, from Happy to Funny to Sarsactic... not the most elaborate direction to improvise on. But I think it wasn't too bad. The only problem was when I was asked to act in my mother tongue. It's quite shameful but when I'm not speaking to those who I associate witht the language (like my maid) I get a little accent :S To get over that hurdle I directed the dialogue to my maid. Clever little trick if i say so myself! Anyhow, it was quite an experience and we'll see where it goes.

Coming into work after that was EXHAUSTING! Doing nothing really is harder than doing work I think! It takes so much effort to fill up idle time but when you're busy, time simply flies by. So to fill up the minutes I decided to make a DRAFT list of things I would like to do in 2011.

Here goes, in no particular order -

- Zumba lessons
- Movie
- TV Commercial
- More French related stuff
- Article on Intellectual Property
- Law College exams
- Go to India (mumbai or delhi or both)
- Grow hair longer and healthier
- More ME time
- Learn Spanish
- Fix teeth
- Meet a man i can trust
- WRITE
- fr/eng official Translator
....

I think I'll add to the list before the end of the year but for now it seems like i have quite an event filled year ahead of me...

A l'an prochain!

Stronger...

Yet another year is coming to an end and here I am looking back at the past year. As usual I've done some crazy things, but on the whole, the year has been one in which I have grown up in many ways. I have become calmer and more settled. Although the travel bug still bites me now and again, I've come to terms with the fact that I have to be here for the next 2 years. I have a job that i like, even on slow and boring days like today I really appreciate it and feel lucky to be where I am. I'm doing, what i hope will be, the last exams for a few years. Though they will be long and tedious, I know it will be worthwhile. I have some good friends around me, and good friends all over the world who i love and trust. I am with my family, who I cherish despite all the differences I have with them and which they have with eachother.

Most of all, right now, as I write, I am mere feet away from my loveur! A is here on holiday and it's been about 10 days now, and she'll be here for another week but it still feels so surreal. To take her to places I love, places i hang out... It feels so amazing to share THIS part of my life with her and introduce her to people I have spoken about, and places i have described. I feel truly happy. Since the exams finished a few weeks ago, many things have been happening. But there is one that stands apart because it made me realise just how much I have grown up, just how sure I have become of what exactly I want.

I met a guy. A lovely guy just like the hypothetical one i describe at the end of my previous post. Only, there is one problem, he's English and he's only here for another 4 weeks. So, contrary to habit and my own gut feeling, I told him I dont want to see him anymore. I liked him so much after knowing him for barely 3 weeks and having been physical with him for 5 days, that I knew that after the next 4 weeks were over I would become truly attached to him. There is no hope whatsoever of anything lasting past that expiry date. Therefore I did the sensible, adult thing, and nipped it in the bud.

I can't say I wasn't gutted. What really hurt me was the fact that I find it SO hard to find someoneIi liked who I can really be myself with, and who likes me more for it, that I felt a wave of self-pity wash over me. Self pity is probably the worst of all feelings because it makes you feel so pathetic and I know that if i didnt have A with me, consoling me and repeating how i did the right thing, i probably would have gone running back to him!

Anyhow, after that initial wave of self pity, i felt self-assurance which is extremely empowering. I feel stronger for restraining myself and not following my instincts, because I DO deserve better than 4 weeks of happiness with a temporary lover. For once, I am ready to give up momentary satisfaction and patiently wait for something more long lasting.

Thus it is probably the biggest step towards growing up that I took this whole year. I am extremely proud of myself.

I'm also looking forward to the coming year. It feels like I have a lot of activity planned in addition to the months of gruelling exams. I feel hopeful and happy which has a lot to do with the fact that I'll be starting the year with someone I love next to me!

So I'm back to being my positive and happy self and I know there'll be much more happiness and positivity in the coming year.

Happy New Year to all!

A l'an prochain

I'm superficial, bitch! Deal with it!!

I'm usually such a positive person and that reflects on my writing. But the past couple of months i've noticed that i've been feeling sad and negative. Maybe i'm going through a bout of depression. 

I DON'T LIKE IT! 

Of course, who would LIKE being depressed i wonder. Anyhow, like the legendary Barney Stinson might say, "when i'm feeling sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead!". True story. 

I can't say that life has made this task easier. I'm currently studying for MORE exams. Exams which won't end till December 2011! But they're the most important exams in my career so far. After this, I'll be a fully fledged lawyer. I'll be able to go stand up in court and say, "Your Honour, I disagree!" Just like in the movies! 

But hopefully after my pupillage I won't have to sight a court, because that's not where I want my career to go. 

Enough of the shop talk. I need to get to the point. I think I've gotten used to talking AROUND the subject! How very lawyer-ish of me! 

It doesn't come with much surprise that I'm superficial. I'm superficial about the clothes I wear, the way i look, the people I associate, the places I go to, the way in which I live, the men i date and the way I want my life to be. I know that it's not proper to be so superficial. And that beauty is but skin deep, and that materialism isn't good etcetera etcetera etcetera. But do I really give a damn? N-O-N. PAS DU TOUT!! I can't apologize for who I am. I'm a good person. I do not have any qualms with the poor, the disabled, or i should say, the less fortunate and the differently-abled. I do what I can to help and I believe that when one has been lucky enough to blessed with plenty, one should give to those who aren't. I'm not all bad really! 

But in the way I 'run' (if i may use that word) my life, I am superficial. It's not that I look like a model, or that all my friends look like models, that all my ex's are models. But a significant percentage of my friends and ex's ARE. Just a few days ago, I was googling the Empty Australian who I had a fling with the beginning of the year. Apparently he's a model. I looked at his portfolio and HOT DAYM! Boy is B-E-A oootiful! I'd forgotten what a perfect male specimen he was. That got me thinking, and actually there are about 4 or 5 guy's i've had things with who actually model. And some who can model if they wanted to. 

When I was showing a friend the webpage of the Empty Australian, she said she didn't like guys like that. That he was 'too' beautiful. That i was superficial. I think she was just jealous and said so because she knows a guy like that will never chat her up! Am i being vain? You bet i am! Am i being realistic. OF COURSE. 

I'm superficial. But being superficial doesn't mean that i am shallow. True, guys like the Empty Australian whilst satisfying me Oh so very well physically, would never satisfy me on the long term. I need someone with personality, with charm, with wit, culture and style, someone adventurous, confident enough to be silly and make fun of himself, but still able to be sophisticated. In that description, did i even once mention HOT? NOPE. Because he doesn't have to look like a model if he has all those qualities. His personality will overshadow his physical attributes or any lack of such. I have met guys who come close to this. I have been hurt by guys who have come close to this. But I am yet to meet someone like this who will earn my trust. I know that somewhere beyond the superficiality lies someone who has a lot of ideals, principles and beliefs. Who says that a superficial person can't have deep thoughts? Superficial doesn't mean I'm STUPID! 

It just means I like to SEE beauty rather skin a person, metaphorically, to see their beauty! 

In conclusion, I'm superficial, bitch! Deal with it! 

A bientot 

Vingt-quatre et seule

24. Hours in a day. Two dozens. Years that have passed in my life. 

Sometimes it surprises me how much I've aged. Here I am in the room in which I grew up. The room my mother lulled me to sleep as a child, the room where I used to dream of growing up, of being a Big girl. Of being beautiful and having everything my small mind could think of. But at 24, I still don't have everything I dreamt of. Sure I have the education I wanted. But I'm still not done with it, not by a long shot! I'm alone. I don't have the boy that I dreamt of having as a little girl. There's no Ken to my Barbie. 

I feel SO alone sometimes I wish I could just let go of everything. I wonder what would happen if my life ended now. Right at this moment. I miss so many people. Sure I have my parents and my brother. I love my mother and my baby brother to bits. But they don't provide the companionship that I need. I miss my best friends. I miss HAVING a best friend just a phone call or a text or an IM away. I have friends here, sure, but none who I can really depend on to just drop everything and come to me when I need them. I know that my best friends would do that, if they didn't have so many oceans to cross to get here... 

I don't think what I need is really a boy. That's just a way to fill up my loneliness. I have work, I have exams to study for but what about when I don't want to think of any of those things? What do I have then? Just me, myself and I. 

I usually love being alone. Solitude is not something I fear. But there are times like these when I'd rather be surrounded by people. I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm depressed. I read somewhere that if you're dehydrated you get depressed. Maybe I'm dehydrated? I don't know... I wish I knew what I could do to make this right. 

I want to make new friends but my time is filled up with work and studying and family, I don't have time for anything else. I thought I'd made a new friend, but apparently he was looking for more than friendship. I HATE that! I can't spend time with him anymore knowing that. 

I'm twenty four years old and I feel alone. There aren't even 24 people in this country I can say are my friends. I'm SUCH a loser. For someone who seems so extroverted and fun, I'm a total loser. It's just that I don't let anyone notice. 

I'm ranting to no-one about feeling alone. Isn't that the ultimate loneliness? 

I guess it would be more useful for me to read a book. 

A bientôt

Trying to be a less anti-social blogger..

So, I saw this adorable comment this morning from Ally of Veritable Ally  and it made me feel happy. Quite simple really. It's strange how a small act can make you feel so good. I guess that's the beauty of the Internet. Thus I decided that I should probably start being more sociable on my blog. 

I rarely update, only when I feel the urge to empty my mind of thoughts no amount of talking with friends could resolve... Or simply when I get the urge to write. Which mostly I do on paper. And I reply to comments even more rarely! Which is very rude of me I admit because I really do appreciate those who follow me and take the time to stop and read these meandering thoughts of mine that they may or may not relate to. 

So whilst saying Thank You to my followers and commentors. Here's me accepting the award from Ally and writing down Ten Things about me. Which is strange actually because I write so much here that many don't even know about. But well, here goes. 

I weigh 50kg (and trying very hard to lose 2kg) 

I love turquoise blue, my room's that colour

I still miss my cat Salem

I've slept with someone from every continent except Antarctica

Sometimes I feel alone even when I'm surrounded by people

I started a new job at a law firm and i'm loving it! 

I had a random thought today about maybe getting back with my French ex (the one who i was with for 3 years...) We always said that we'd be so much better together if we had met when we were older.. 

I used to have a belly piercing 

Some people say i look like Eva Longoria, I hope I find a Tony Parker too!

I'm glad I started this blog. It turned out much more than i expected it to be

That's it for now. 

A bientôt

 

High Class Whore?

There are times when i wonder whether i was meant to be born in this country. Times like these when my own mother comes up with these ridiculous notions that have basis only on the equally ridiculous social structure of this country and more particularly this city.

So today, I went to watch a piano recital at a well known theatre in town. It's hard to find people to watch a piano recital with so when a German guy who i had met recently, wanted to join me. I was thrilled. Also because he seemed like a genuinely nice person and i would like to become friends with him. So we went, had a lovely time. I was even motivated to take up playing the piano again!
Coming back, i saw that my mother had tried to call me several times, asking me to come home asap.
I arrived home, and as i was getting out of the car, my mother seemed nervous and tense. I thought something was very wrong. Maybe there was a big fight with my father...

But no, she was thinking (usually NOT a good thing) and realised that being seen with a foreign boy, alone, would cause a stain on my 'reputation' as i would be perceived as a high class prostitute by 'society'!!!!!

I didn't know how to react. So i reacted the only way i thought was appropriate. I laughed! I told her she was being silly!

But to be honest, I know that it is highly possible that there are people who would think that. Society in this city is such that seeing a girl, with a different 'White' boy on two different occasions would immediately make her a high class whore!

The worse thing is that i've already had someone think this of me. A few years back, when i was still with my long term french boyfriend. We were in the country for holidays, and taking a Tuk Tuk to the cinema. My boyfriend didn't have change for the Tuk Tuk guy so left me at the tuk tuk and went to a supermarket to get some change. While we were waiting, the Tuk Tuk guy asked me whether i want some numbers of white guys...

It took me a while to understand what he meant, but once i did understand, i waited until the Tuk Tuk guy was long gone before telling my boyfriend who understandably got very livid. Just because i have brown skin, and he has white, what right does anyone have to cheapen the love we had?

But the 'Society' my mother is referring to is not the one that the Tuk Tuk driver belongs to. This is the one that moves in certain circles, goes for plays and gallery openings and include the who's who of the City/Country. This is the same society that is supposed to be the crème de la crème. Who i would expect to be educated and modern. Yet this same group is very capable of labelling a girl a whore simply because she has male friends who happen to be of 'white' skin!

And i come back to wondering why i was born into this 'Society'. A society of narrow minded idiots. A society which has no capacity to understand that we are now in a global village. Colour and creed and nationality don't effect relationships, whether romantic or not.

It's unfair that I be judged for having friends of different colours! Of loving those of different colours! Its unfair; but what can i do? How can i change society?

I can't. But maybe i can try?

A bientôt