Home

I've been home for about a week now. What I love about it is that its been exactly the way I hoped it will be. I did nothing but relaxed, read and get pampered and fed without lifting a finger. Sometimes life is good when it's simple. I haven't really felt very social, despite friends asking me to meet up, I only gave in once to go see Iron man 2. And that too only because my brother was so intent on watching it, and I had promised him. Sometimes I withdraw into these anti social moods. It reminds me of the introvert inside me. It gives me perspective and allows me to focus on things more important than my social life. In the one week that I've been home, I think I've made quite a bit of progress in the job-search. Nothing conclusive, but I haven't really been trying hard enough. I think i need some time to take the edge off the last month. All that studying and partying really tired me. I need to get over that physical and mental exhaustion and be really ready for the next step in my life. It's going to be nice to go to my grandparent's house next week. A week away from the city, in the countryside, in their big beautiful house... I'm going to cook for them. Not the usual traditional food they're used to, but some 'continental' recipe's that I'm more familiar with. It'll be lovely to spend more than a weekend with them. Family just gives you an energy that other people don't seem to be able to. Except maybe my best friends. But since I can't be with them. Family is what I've got here and now. 

I've been thinking about my friend. I never did tell him how I felt. But I think it's better this way. I miss him. But I'll get used to it. We weren't meant to be. No point pondering what might have been. Unfortunately, the lack of anything else to distract me, I've been pondering it anyway. Oh well, soon, life will catch up and I will have more important things to think about. 

Since I'm back home, I think I'll go on a sex fast. I've realised that my list of notches on the bedpost have been slowly increasing. And I'm not quite sure I'm very happy about it. I can't say I'm wildly promiscuous. But for someone who's almost 24, and hasn't been sexually active for all too long, my numbers don't make me look much like a nun! So maybe a few weeks/months of celibacy will do me good... Maybe wait for something worthwhile. 

Ahh i know I say that many times and never stick to it. But maybe this time i will. There's nothing wrong with some wishful thinking! =) 

A bientot

Last Days..

It's my last few days here...

I have an exam tomorrow. My last exam hopefully for a while... I'm not prepared half as well as I should be. On top of that I'm SICK! Not extremely but I'm pretty sure i have a slight fever and well, I LOOK sick! I look pale and my eyes are dull.. I hate looking at myself in the mirror when I look at that, worse perhaps than actually feeling like it. I know I should try hard since it's probably the final hurdle of my Masters. But I feel exhausted! And i'm finally starting to realise that I'm leaving in a few days. Partings ways with all the amazing people I met here. I'm going to miss all of them, especially a certain friend who has NO idea how I feel about him. I adore him, I like him more than a friend, but well, I guess he'll never know and now is not the time for confessions. Maybe in a few years I'll tell him and we'll laugh about it. 

But right now, it's not just about him. It's about me. About where I am in life... Something I haven't been able to get myself to think about, something I've been DREADING thinking about. They say life is full of possibilities, but nobody ever says how HARD it is to deal with so many possibilities. How painful it is to choose! I've never been good at deciding things. Life seemed to just decide things for me... things always flowed, at least education and career-wise. As to men, well, I guess I'm still now ready for commitment. I thought I wanted something stable and loving. But more I think of it... less I believe it's for me. Oh well, I don't know where the currents in this river of life are going to take me next. I guess I'll just have to cross my fingers and hope I don't hit any hidden rocks. 

I should get back to revising now. 

A bientôt

The grey sky rumbling, forewarning of the storm to come

The swallows pushed around by the winds, losing control of their flight

The drops of rain on the dry skin like pin pricks reminding that this is not a dream

The throbbing sensation overwhelming the mind, the head, can't keep up

Life, death, nothing but reality

Can't keep up

Emotions run asunder, no control

Can't keep up

Control, no control

Life

Can't keep up

Tous des cons!

This has been something me and my best friend have been saying for a long time - they're all assholes. By 'they' we obviously mean BOYS (of all ages!). It started out as venting out frustrations about respective boyfriends. Then we just realised be it boyfriends, fathers, brothers, friends, strangers, they're all assholes. I used to say that my ex was an asshole that I love. But an asshole nonetheless. 

I was reminded of this because last weekend I ran into one such asshole, in all his glory. Actually, he was the first guy I thought was cute this semester when I saw him at the first party of the year. I asked for his number, and texted a bit but he didn't seem too interested and i found out he had a girlfriend back in Switzerland so I just gave up. Anyhow, a few weeks ago i noticed him flirting with me, but i was too into my guy friend at the time so didn't pay much attention to him. But on Saturday I was out on a whim with only my flatmate and bumped into him. Again he was very flirty. I knew for a fact that his girlfriend had been to visit not more than a month ago. But after a dozen or so drinks i didn't care. He was cute, I was drunk, I'd been 'good' for more than a month, so I gave into temptation. The next morning as I groggily opened my eyes to find him next to me, I realised I didn't really like him anymore. I was merely happy I had gotten what I wanted that first party of the year. 

And then I remembered his girlfriend. Now, he's not the first guy I've been with who i knew was in a relationship. Initially I used to feel guilty about it. But now i feel like it is not I who have to feel guilty but them. I didn't force them into a romp with me. On the contrary, the pleasure was almost all theirs. 

However, it does make them total ASSHOLES! 

I've known what it's like to be cheated on. I've known what it's like to have someone many thousand miles away who betrayed my love. I've also known what it's like to be the one betraying love. I was hurt by the former and I've felt guilty of the latter. Both are feelings that I would rather not go through again, and those that I wouldn't wish on anyone else. But it still doesn't make me regret sleeping with the very cute blue eyes blondie on Saturday! :) 

Maybe that makes me as much of an asshole as the guys I slander with my best friend. It doesn't matter. We all know that guys can never keep it in their pants! 

On a different tone, despite the fact that boys are such assholes, I know that I miss being close to one, sharing things, letting myself trust and having sex that actually means something. I know it doesn't come just because I want it. But at least now I feel more open to the idea. I don't deny that it scares me. But I'd like to feel that. I'd like to take that risk again. 

Like a very good friend once said to me; love is like the wind, you don't feel it when you run after it. But when you stop, you will feel it all around you. 

A bientôt

The neverending script

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm doing the right thing. Whether I truly am supposed to be a lawyer. Maybe I'm pursuing the wrong career. I've always wanted to write. Ever since I was a child I have had a fascination for stories. I was a bookworm and as a grew older my love for reading grew. My love for stories lead me down the eventual path of writing them myself. I've written poetry, prose, short stories and I've even started writing a novel (which i never finished and is now buried somewhere with my old diaries). 

I know that I'm good at telling stories. I love it. People who listen to them love hearing me. It might be racy stories about my sexcapades or fantasy about elves and goblins for my kid cousins. It's never been about what kind of story, but about telling something that is close to me. Stories come from what you experience. They might be something you've experienced first hand, or something a friend or an acquaintance has gone through. But the best stories come from your imagination. You're imagination takes your experiences, anything that has gone through your mind, that your eyes have seen, your senses have felt, and processes them and churns out stories that can range from utterly ridiculous to supremely profound. 

I suppose the best kind of stories are the ones that you lived. Shakespeare said that all the world's a stage and we are merely actors. I think that each actor is also his own playwrite. He can try his best to memorize his dialogue but the one sure thing is that he can never be one hundred percent certain what the other actor might say. So the play of life is a constant improvisation. Sometimes you're tempted to write little skits imagining what the other actor or actors might say. I know I do it all the time. I enjoy these little stories that I have in my head. Sometimes they include people around me, in circumstances that might be possible. Then sometimes they include people i might never meet and circumstances i hope will never happen. Either way I love those stories. Some could go on for weeks, some only last a few days. But the common thread in these stories is me. Because I can put myself in circumstances that I can only dream about, in opportunities that I wish were real, and those which i'm too scared to make true. 

When i was younger my mom used to say i lived in a dream world. She would catch me staring out into nothingness, oblivious to whatever she might be saying. I am much more conscious these days about my day dreaming, and my acting talents have only improved with age. But my mother was right. I did live in a dream world, and i still do. But the extent to which i live there, the duration, the intensity depends on what my real life is at that moment. Right now, my real life feels tedious and boring. So I retreat further and further into my dreamworld. The down side to this is that further i go, more i leave behind those in the real world. I isolate myself in my day dreams pushing away all human contact. 

Most who have met me think I'm very extroverted. Little do they know how much of an introvert I am... 

However i do crave company. Yet it's always hard to do something about it. Because it's oh so comfortable in the dream world. Everything i want to hear, want to feel, want to have, is there. 

I could go on about this for a very long time. 

Unfortunately, 40% of my grade depends on the paper I have to submit tomorrow. How I wish I could make up a story about Competition Law! 

A bientôt

A friend like me...

I always come back to this blog when I'm not feeling very well. It's very cathartic to write down your emotions in black and white. In this case, red and white! Its easier to understand what exactly you are feeling, the how and the why, and what you can do to change it when its in front of you as plain as day. I've been doing this for a long time now. I still write in my journal. Admittedly not as often as i used to. But this blog is like a journal to me. One that is public yet private because of the veil of anonymity. 

I have been feeling very lonely recently. Maybe I'm missing my family. Maybe I'm being hormonal because it's that time of the month. Maybe I'm just feeling lonely because I am alone. 

What is really bothering me these days is that I like a friend in a more than friendly way. There's always been something, from the beginning of our friendship. And I have dismissed it several times because I didn't want to cross a line. But it's never been this strong. When I'm with him, I feel like myself. I feel like I don't have to pretend. The irony is that I DO pretend. I pretend to just be his friend. 

Last night would have been a perfect opportunity to tell him about my feelings. But i didn't. I was drunk as a fish which would have been an ideal excuse. But I didn't! I was all over him, despite other guys flirting and dancing with me, i kept going back to him. I was jealous when he was flirting with other girls. Then somehow i ended up going home with some other guy! I know it's because of my self preservation mechanism. I'd rather be with some random guy i couldn't care less about than admit to feelings about someone i DO care about. Because i'm scared. I'm scared he doesn't reciprocate. I'm scared because we're going to separate in a few months and i'm scared to lose a good friend. 

For someone who's so cocky and confident, i'm such a chicken! 

I know there's only one thing i can do.

Just keep on pretending. Because my walls are stronger than even the strongest drink. And I will never be able to look at him and tell it sober. What's the point anyway? I'd rather like him and never know what he feels than be disappointed. There go my walls! Self preservation just comes naturally. 

I just have to enjoy my solitude. Focus on what is most important right now; my education. 

Speaking of. I need to go to the library. 

A bientôt surement

UPDATE: I just realised that friendship is far more important than anything we might have in the few months that we have left. And my rule of never sleeping with friends isn't something I should break. Some rules aren't meant to be broken. I'll get over him. There'll be others...  :)

Hé Ho! What's going on here?

Although i haven't been posting for the past couple of months I've been coming to my blog almost every other day to check out my list of guilty pleasures... But today i was feeling nostalgic and i started rereading some of my old posts and lo and behold what do i see? People commenting??? Following me?? 

Took me a while to wrap my head around it! If you've been reading then you'll know that i decided to stop posting and the last 2 posts were basically last resort actions to allow me to sort things out in my head. 

Anyhow thank you for the lovely comments. I can't say I'll start writing again. Although MANY things have happened, and many things and guys have been done since last october... 

However I will update on the last 2 guys i blogged about. The french guy was a complete douche, I saw him a few times when i was out, even had the nerve to come say hi once. But that's it. I move on fast if you haven't noticed. 

The Danish DJ. Well things didn't stop there. He never got in touch with me because he has his own issues. He apologized when i confronted him about it, and i think he was sincere. And obviously I had a few amazing nights with him before we said good bye before christmas break. But little did i know that i would see him again... The night he flew back to denmark last january i saw him, we met up for Shisha, made out, talked about his travels over christmas. He's actually a nice guy. Obviously we were both very frustrated that we couldn't do what we do best together... But it was a nice last chapter to that story. 

Right now i've decided to take a break from my wild ways, because to be honest, I'M BORED of it! I don't want anything serious, neither do i want something mindless. My friends who've heard me say this before just roll their eyes and say "whatever you say"... We'll see how long it lasts. 

A bientôt peut être...