Losing Control

Ironically, the last time I felt like writing, I was inspired by an article on control. Tonight, what has inspired me is the manner in which I have lost control. I have lost control of my emotions in a way that I have thought would not be possibly any more. But yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have fallen for someone. Maybe I've exgerrated the emotions in my unconcious ability for creating drama in my life. Nonetheless, there are emotions, and I have lost control. Where I would be calm and never let my emotions run asunder, I have been excitable and let my emotions be as clear as day. To myself, to the one who is the recipient of such emotions, and frankly anyone who is around me at any time of the day. Because these emotions are with me every second of every day. I think of him, every second of every day. I have no control whatsoever. I try. Oh god yes I try. But my heart has somehow managed to short circuit the line my brain and my rationality has to it. Just a few weeks ago, there was a clear and uninterrupted line. But now, all my brain hears is the thump thump of a heart beating uncontrollably fast.

Even when I tell myself that I can get hurt, the pain is not the kind of deterrant that it used to be. My heart says, "I don't care, I would rather feel this way even if he does not feel the same". But that makes so sense whatsoever. It's evident that my brain is the one that is writing this post desperately hoping that written word would be a better way of communicating with the heart. We all know how the written word affects the heart.

Emotions, heart, the words I use show the very lack of control I am trying to explain. And it is wonderful. The way his hair falls over his eyes and how he brushes it away. The way his lips part in a smile so cheeky yet so honest. How his eyes are so soft and kind. How the way he kisses my neck runs shivers all through my body. Ahhh... there you go, the heart has taken the keys.

I feel like a schizopreniac! It's like these two parts of me are at war. Both do not want to give over their position. But right now, the heart is winning... however hard the brain is fighting.

The fact is, I haven't let the heart lose control in a very long time. It may be time that it did... just to see where it may wander. It might come home with bruised knees and a muddy shirt. But bruises heal and the shirt can be washed. But the stories of the adventures of my uncontrollable heart, now those may be worth the pain.

In business, one needs to gamble, take risks, but it's upto the lawyers to let the businessmen know what those risks are so that they can take a calculated risk. In the end though, it's a matter of faith and of gut feeling. This isn't business, this is about emotions however the same principles apply.

It's a matter of faith and of gut feeling. I have faith. And my gut feeling tells me to try.

Let's see...

Go forth little heart, leave the safety of your golden cage, I will always be here to sooth your pain and rejoice in your happiness.

Signed - Brain.

Control

“Control is highly overrated. Most times we just need to get out of our own way.”

I just read that in an article on Huffington Post. As someone who tries to constantly be in control, who is scared or losing control and who cannot suffer being controlled, that quote somehow makes everything come into focus.

My obsession with control is getting in my own way. Woah that was difficult to write down. In fact, I typed different versions of that sentence starting with “Perhaps…”, “Maybe…”, “It seems like…”. But the truth is, there is no question about it, my obsession with control is getting in my own way. It was easier to write it the second time.

I have always been someone who needs control. As a child I was obsessive about controlling my environment. I used to torment everyone around to house to keep everything clean. I would not allow a speck of dust, one cobweb or a shirt lying around. I used to be a complete terror. Then I grew up and realized that I didn’t have as much time as I did as a 7 year old to spend on keeping the house in order. I let my room get messy during the week and cleaned up during the weekends. But one thing I always did was to make my bed. This was a small victory for the OCD kid in me. Although I let go of my need to control my environment, I found other ways to exercise control. Control of my emotions was something I discovered did not require any spare time. I could always control my emotions. This was not as easy as I thought it would be. I would keep my anger and frustration within me for so long, that there were moments when my floodgates would open and destroy everything around me. I remember a few occasions when I broke a chair or a friends pencil case at school. Unfortunately what I learnt from these blow ups was to become even more guarded and controlled with my emotions.

That control didn’t allow me to feel hurt, betrayed or depressed. I channeled these emotions into anger and frustration which festered inside me. But what the world saw was a bright, happy, sprightly and fun loving young girl. There were people who I allowed to get a peek inside me. They saw the sad little girl curled up in the corner of my soul nursing her wounds. There was nothing they could say to change me.

My habit of controlling my emotions prevented me from getting into situations where I would get hurt, betrayed or depressed because it was easier to prevent than control these emotions. They say prevention is better than cure, but perhaps that doesn’t quite apply in control. When it came to making a decision about school, I would rather stay at home than go and face any trouble. When it came to having feelings for a boy, I would rather keep them to myself than risk him not liking me back. When it came to trusting a new friend, I would rather keep the friendship superficial than tell any secrets that they could hold against me.

I may have lost out on a lot of things, got in my own way in a lot of things because I wanted to control my emotions so much. Not ‘may’, I HAVE lost out. I lost out on good friends, loving boyfriends, and rewarding situations.

On the other hand, when I could control the situation, and my emotions, I never hesitated to jump into things. If it meant getting drunk and doing something crazy like dance on a table in high heels, now that didn’t worry the control freak in me. Even if it meant a broken wrist. I may have been physically broken, but emotionally I was intact. It was the same with casual hookups. I didn’t need to be emotionally invested in a boy whose name I barely knew, as long as he was pretty and would pleasure me for a night. He can’t break my heart when I only gave him my body.

I did allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable once, but I never let go of my control. The control freak in me believed that he would cheat on me eventually, so it was alright to cheat on him first. The logic was that, it wouldn’t hurt when he did it, if I had done it first. That control freak was wrong. It stills hurts just as much, and made me feel terrible about myself because I had been as morally low as him. I kept blaming him for my emotional scarring, to hide the fact that I was also to blame. I didn’t control myself as much as I should have. So I upped the control. For the next few years, it was not about trust, caring and feelings, it was about lust, passion and pleasure.

So I got in the way of myself, I didn’t let anyone close to me, to see that I was actually a total softie. The tough girl, the sexy girl, the fun, exciting and crazy girl was what they saw. Then I realized that she was getting out of control. I was having too much fun, getting into too many compromising situations; she had to be reined in too. Then the serious girl was re-born. She of my school years, she who looked down upon those who ran around, played and laughed out loud. She was back, and this time she went to work. At work, I am in control of my image. I work hard, late and I’m passionate about my work. I’m in control of the fun girl, the party girl but also the softie. Sometimes the silly one would peek out in the lunch room conversations. But she was harmless.

Schizophrenic much?

Maybe just a little bit. I believe that all these parts of me exist simultaneously, but the control freak holds onto the reigns. She decides who comes out and who stays in. She is the one who is ‘highly overrated and gets in my way’.

“Hello all! I am a Control Freak.” If there was a CFA (Control Freaks Anonymous) that is what I would say. But there isn’t. Saying it out loud doesn’t make any difference. I don’t know what would. I have to change my personality, which I am not sure is possible at this point in my life. I am pretty settled in my beliefs and my perception of who I am. What I need is to make a choice. A choice about who I should give the reigns of my emotions to. I can neither give it to the softie, the control freak nor the fun girl. They would all lead me down different but difficult roads. I need to cure my schizophrenia and merge all these parts of myself, and accept that I am the sum of all these parts.

That’s easier written down that done. But at least it’s a start!

2011 - goal check

I have been a very very bad blogger. It's been almost 2 years since I last posted. I don't know why... but somehow blogging wasn't as cathartic as it first was.

 

Anyhow, I thought I would find my way back to blogging by giving a small update on 2011 since my last post was about my goals for the year.

 

- Zumba lessons

I did go for quite a few Zumba lessons, then I started on yoga, but I just had too much going on, and I stopped doing either.

 

- Movie

I didn't really do a movie.

 

- TV Commercial

I didn't do a TV Commercial either

 

BUT I did get paid about US$2000 for a modelling shoot! It was probably one of the weirdest experiences of my life... I did it with a friend, and well, the photographer was turned out to be quite dodgy. But the experience was worth it for sure!

 

- More French related stuff

In August 2011 I went to France with a french NGO called Secours Populaire as a translator for the a delegation in a youth camp. I was also helping out with the Fete de la Musique, and other activities at the Alliance.

 

- Article on Intellectual Property

Didn't do this sadly.

 

- Law College exams

FINALLY OVER! And i passed. Can't say I passed in flying colours but I passed and it's all that matters.

 

- Go to India (mumbai or delhi or both)

I DID this! I went to India December 2011 (Xmas and NYE), and went to Mumbai AND Delhi and even went to Jaipur! It was an amazing trip! I can't waito to go back again

 

- Grow hair longer and healthier

Just as I had wanted, my hair now covers my breasts, and it's lovely and long and healthy!

 

- More ME time

I'm not quite sure if I achieved this goal, but I'm sure I had some ME time.

 

- Learn Spanish

This again is something I did accomplish. I completed the begginners course in Spanish. Unfortunately I wasn't very happy with the teacher who was to teach the Intermediate course, so i stopped going for lessons.

 

- Fix teeth

This too has been done, although not in 2011, I finally went to the dentist and got a plate. I don't wear it as often as I want, but my teeth are on it's way to being completely fixed.

 

- Meet a man i can trust

NOPE! I did NOT meet a man I can trust, despite meeting quite a few men.

 

- WRITE

Obviously, as I didn't even write on my blog, I didn't write very much.

 

- fr/eng official Translator

As I said before, I was a translator for the youth camp in France. But I also did a translation for the PRESIDENT of the country who had a meeting with the head of a french NGO. It was an amazing experience!

 

All in all, I think i achieved more than half of the goals that i had set out. I think that's a pretty good tally!

 

 

Goals for 2011

It's another extremely slow and tiring day at work despite coming in at only 1.30 pm. The morning was interesting. I went for a screen test for a TV commercial and a potential movie. Walking up and down and turning left and right was all that was required for the commercial screen test but the movie required a bit more thought and effort. It had been a while since I did any improv so coming up with dialogues to suite the emotion changes that the director required was a bit difficult. Going from Happy to Sad to Angry, from Happy to Funny to Sarsactic... not the most elaborate direction to improvise on. But I think it wasn't too bad. The only problem was when I was asked to act in my mother tongue. It's quite shameful but when I'm not speaking to those who I associate witht the language (like my maid) I get a little accent :S To get over that hurdle I directed the dialogue to my maid. Clever little trick if i say so myself! Anyhow, it was quite an experience and we'll see where it goes.

Coming into work after that was EXHAUSTING! Doing nothing really is harder than doing work I think! It takes so much effort to fill up idle time but when you're busy, time simply flies by. So to fill up the minutes I decided to make a DRAFT list of things I would like to do in 2011.

Here goes, in no particular order -

- Zumba lessons
- Movie
- TV Commercial
- More French related stuff
- Article on Intellectual Property
- Law College exams
- Go to India (mumbai or delhi or both)
- Grow hair longer and healthier
- More ME time
- Learn Spanish
- Fix teeth
- Meet a man i can trust
- WRITE
- fr/eng official Translator
....

I think I'll add to the list before the end of the year but for now it seems like i have quite an event filled year ahead of me...

A l'an prochain!

Stronger...

Yet another year is coming to an end and here I am looking back at the past year. As usual I've done some crazy things, but on the whole, the year has been one in which I have grown up in many ways. I have become calmer and more settled. Although the travel bug still bites me now and again, I've come to terms with the fact that I have to be here for the next 2 years. I have a job that i like, even on slow and boring days like today I really appreciate it and feel lucky to be where I am. I'm doing, what i hope will be, the last exams for a few years. Though they will be long and tedious, I know it will be worthwhile. I have some good friends around me, and good friends all over the world who i love and trust. I am with my family, who I cherish despite all the differences I have with them and which they have with eachother.

Most of all, right now, as I write, I am mere feet away from my loveur! A is here on holiday and it's been about 10 days now, and she'll be here for another week but it still feels so surreal. To take her to places I love, places i hang out... It feels so amazing to share THIS part of my life with her and introduce her to people I have spoken about, and places i have described. I feel truly happy. Since the exams finished a few weeks ago, many things have been happening. But there is one that stands apart because it made me realise just how much I have grown up, just how sure I have become of what exactly I want.

I met a guy. A lovely guy just like the hypothetical one i describe at the end of my previous post. Only, there is one problem, he's English and he's only here for another 4 weeks. So, contrary to habit and my own gut feeling, I told him I dont want to see him anymore. I liked him so much after knowing him for barely 3 weeks and having been physical with him for 5 days, that I knew that after the next 4 weeks were over I would become truly attached to him. There is no hope whatsoever of anything lasting past that expiry date. Therefore I did the sensible, adult thing, and nipped it in the bud.

I can't say I wasn't gutted. What really hurt me was the fact that I find it SO hard to find someoneIi liked who I can really be myself with, and who likes me more for it, that I felt a wave of self-pity wash over me. Self pity is probably the worst of all feelings because it makes you feel so pathetic and I know that if i didnt have A with me, consoling me and repeating how i did the right thing, i probably would have gone running back to him!

Anyhow, after that initial wave of self pity, i felt self-assurance which is extremely empowering. I feel stronger for restraining myself and not following my instincts, because I DO deserve better than 4 weeks of happiness with a temporary lover. For once, I am ready to give up momentary satisfaction and patiently wait for something more long lasting.

Thus it is probably the biggest step towards growing up that I took this whole year. I am extremely proud of myself.

I'm also looking forward to the coming year. It feels like I have a lot of activity planned in addition to the months of gruelling exams. I feel hopeful and happy which has a lot to do with the fact that I'll be starting the year with someone I love next to me!

So I'm back to being my positive and happy self and I know there'll be much more happiness and positivity in the coming year.

Happy New Year to all!

A l'an prochain

I'm superficial, bitch! Deal with it!!

I'm usually such a positive person and that reflects on my writing. But the past couple of months i've noticed that i've been feeling sad and negative. Maybe i'm going through a bout of depression. 

I DON'T LIKE IT! 

Of course, who would LIKE being depressed i wonder. Anyhow, like the legendary Barney Stinson might say, "when i'm feeling sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead!". True story. 

I can't say that life has made this task easier. I'm currently studying for MORE exams. Exams which won't end till December 2011! But they're the most important exams in my career so far. After this, I'll be a fully fledged lawyer. I'll be able to go stand up in court and say, "Your Honour, I disagree!" Just like in the movies! 

But hopefully after my pupillage I won't have to sight a court, because that's not where I want my career to go. 

Enough of the shop talk. I need to get to the point. I think I've gotten used to talking AROUND the subject! How very lawyer-ish of me! 

It doesn't come with much surprise that I'm superficial. I'm superficial about the clothes I wear, the way i look, the people I associate, the places I go to, the way in which I live, the men i date and the way I want my life to be. I know that it's not proper to be so superficial. And that beauty is but skin deep, and that materialism isn't good etcetera etcetera etcetera. But do I really give a damn? N-O-N. PAS DU TOUT!! I can't apologize for who I am. I'm a good person. I do not have any qualms with the poor, the disabled, or i should say, the less fortunate and the differently-abled. I do what I can to help and I believe that when one has been lucky enough to blessed with plenty, one should give to those who aren't. I'm not all bad really! 

But in the way I 'run' (if i may use that word) my life, I am superficial. It's not that I look like a model, or that all my friends look like models, that all my ex's are models. But a significant percentage of my friends and ex's ARE. Just a few days ago, I was googling the Empty Australian who I had a fling with the beginning of the year. Apparently he's a model. I looked at his portfolio and HOT DAYM! Boy is B-E-A oootiful! I'd forgotten what a perfect male specimen he was. That got me thinking, and actually there are about 4 or 5 guy's i've had things with who actually model. And some who can model if they wanted to. 

When I was showing a friend the webpage of the Empty Australian, she said she didn't like guys like that. That he was 'too' beautiful. That i was superficial. I think she was just jealous and said so because she knows a guy like that will never chat her up! Am i being vain? You bet i am! Am i being realistic. OF COURSE. 

I'm superficial. But being superficial doesn't mean that i am shallow. True, guys like the Empty Australian whilst satisfying me Oh so very well physically, would never satisfy me on the long term. I need someone with personality, with charm, with wit, culture and style, someone adventurous, confident enough to be silly and make fun of himself, but still able to be sophisticated. In that description, did i even once mention HOT? NOPE. Because he doesn't have to look like a model if he has all those qualities. His personality will overshadow his physical attributes or any lack of such. I have met guys who come close to this. I have been hurt by guys who have come close to this. But I am yet to meet someone like this who will earn my trust. I know that somewhere beyond the superficiality lies someone who has a lot of ideals, principles and beliefs. Who says that a superficial person can't have deep thoughts? Superficial doesn't mean I'm STUPID! 

It just means I like to SEE beauty rather skin a person, metaphorically, to see their beauty! 

In conclusion, I'm superficial, bitch! Deal with it! 

A bientot 

Vingt-quatre et seule

24. Hours in a day. Two dozens. Years that have passed in my life. 

Sometimes it surprises me how much I've aged. Here I am in the room in which I grew up. The room my mother lulled me to sleep as a child, the room where I used to dream of growing up, of being a Big girl. Of being beautiful and having everything my small mind could think of. But at 24, I still don't have everything I dreamt of. Sure I have the education I wanted. But I'm still not done with it, not by a long shot! I'm alone. I don't have the boy that I dreamt of having as a little girl. There's no Ken to my Barbie. 

I feel SO alone sometimes I wish I could just let go of everything. I wonder what would happen if my life ended now. Right at this moment. I miss so many people. Sure I have my parents and my brother. I love my mother and my baby brother to bits. But they don't provide the companionship that I need. I miss my best friends. I miss HAVING a best friend just a phone call or a text or an IM away. I have friends here, sure, but none who I can really depend on to just drop everything and come to me when I need them. I know that my best friends would do that, if they didn't have so many oceans to cross to get here... 

I don't think what I need is really a boy. That's just a way to fill up my loneliness. I have work, I have exams to study for but what about when I don't want to think of any of those things? What do I have then? Just me, myself and I. 

I usually love being alone. Solitude is not something I fear. But there are times like these when I'd rather be surrounded by people. I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm depressed. I read somewhere that if you're dehydrated you get depressed. Maybe I'm dehydrated? I don't know... I wish I knew what I could do to make this right. 

I want to make new friends but my time is filled up with work and studying and family, I don't have time for anything else. I thought I'd made a new friend, but apparently he was looking for more than friendship. I HATE that! I can't spend time with him anymore knowing that. 

I'm twenty four years old and I feel alone. There aren't even 24 people in this country I can say are my friends. I'm SUCH a loser. For someone who seems so extroverted and fun, I'm a total loser. It's just that I don't let anyone notice. 

I'm ranting to no-one about feeling alone. Isn't that the ultimate loneliness? 

I guess it would be more useful for me to read a book. 

A bientôt

Trying to be a less anti-social blogger..

So, I saw this adorable comment this morning from Ally of Veritable Ally  and it made me feel happy. Quite simple really. It's strange how a small act can make you feel so good. I guess that's the beauty of the Internet. Thus I decided that I should probably start being more sociable on my blog. 

I rarely update, only when I feel the urge to empty my mind of thoughts no amount of talking with friends could resolve... Or simply when I get the urge to write. Which mostly I do on paper. And I reply to comments even more rarely! Which is very rude of me I admit because I really do appreciate those who follow me and take the time to stop and read these meandering thoughts of mine that they may or may not relate to. 

So whilst saying Thank You to my followers and commentors. Here's me accepting the award from Ally and writing down Ten Things about me. Which is strange actually because I write so much here that many don't even know about. But well, here goes. 

I weigh 50kg (and trying very hard to lose 2kg) 

I love turquoise blue, my room's that colour

I still miss my cat Salem

I've slept with someone from every continent except Antarctica

Sometimes I feel alone even when I'm surrounded by people

I started a new job at a law firm and i'm loving it! 

I had a random thought today about maybe getting back with my French ex (the one who i was with for 3 years...) We always said that we'd be so much better together if we had met when we were older.. 

I used to have a belly piercing 

Some people say i look like Eva Longoria, I hope I find a Tony Parker too!

I'm glad I started this blog. It turned out much more than i expected it to be

That's it for now. 

A bientôt

 

High Class Whore?

There are times when i wonder whether i was meant to be born in this country. Times like these when my own mother comes up with these ridiculous notions that have basis only on the equally ridiculous social structure of this country and more particularly this city.

So today, I went to watch a piano recital at a well known theatre in town. It's hard to find people to watch a piano recital with so when a German guy who i had met recently, wanted to join me. I was thrilled. Also because he seemed like a genuinely nice person and i would like to become friends with him. So we went, had a lovely time. I was even motivated to take up playing the piano again!
Coming back, i saw that my mother had tried to call me several times, asking me to come home asap.
I arrived home, and as i was getting out of the car, my mother seemed nervous and tense. I thought something was very wrong. Maybe there was a big fight with my father...

But no, she was thinking (usually NOT a good thing) and realised that being seen with a foreign boy, alone, would cause a stain on my 'reputation' as i would be perceived as a high class prostitute by 'society'!!!!!

I didn't know how to react. So i reacted the only way i thought was appropriate. I laughed! I told her she was being silly!

But to be honest, I know that it is highly possible that there are people who would think that. Society in this city is such that seeing a girl, with a different 'White' boy on two different occasions would immediately make her a high class whore!

The worse thing is that i've already had someone think this of me. A few years back, when i was still with my long term french boyfriend. We were in the country for holidays, and taking a Tuk Tuk to the cinema. My boyfriend didn't have change for the Tuk Tuk guy so left me at the tuk tuk and went to a supermarket to get some change. While we were waiting, the Tuk Tuk guy asked me whether i want some numbers of white guys...

It took me a while to understand what he meant, but once i did understand, i waited until the Tuk Tuk guy was long gone before telling my boyfriend who understandably got very livid. Just because i have brown skin, and he has white, what right does anyone have to cheapen the love we had?

But the 'Society' my mother is referring to is not the one that the Tuk Tuk driver belongs to. This is the one that moves in certain circles, goes for plays and gallery openings and include the who's who of the City/Country. This is the same society that is supposed to be the crème de la crème. Who i would expect to be educated and modern. Yet this same group is very capable of labelling a girl a whore simply because she has male friends who happen to be of 'white' skin!

And i come back to wondering why i was born into this 'Society'. A society of narrow minded idiots. A society which has no capacity to understand that we are now in a global village. Colour and creed and nationality don't effect relationships, whether romantic or not.

It's unfair that I be judged for having friends of different colours! Of loving those of different colours! Its unfair; but what can i do? How can i change society?

I can't. But maybe i can try?

A bientôt

More to Life?

I just came home from a meeting with someone with a very intelligent person who I went to for advice on what to do next now that I have finished my Masters. He pointed out something that noone else, not even my mother, has told me : there is more to life that studies and work! 

It sounds like a cliché, but I have never really considered that. Upto now, my life has been a series of steps on the educational ladder. At 24 my next steps would be to pass the Bar exam, get a job and do a Phd. Somehow everything else faded away into the background as insignificant details. But this person made all those details come back into focus again. 

Of course, I can't say I don't have a life. But have I really put enough effort into it? In the last five years I have never really paid much attention to my family. In fact I've been trying to run away from them. I've had one long term relationship and when that failed I just gave up and took the easy way by having an endless line of flings and being attracted to unavailable men. I have 2 friends I would give my life for, but I haven't made a real effort in widening my friend base. I have acquaintances not friends. 

And every time I give my education and career as an excuse to hide from any significant relationship. My education is more important. My career is more important. But in reality, IS it? 

I feel like a horse who's blinds have been taken off. I've been looking ahead towards my studies and my career, I haven't seen what I've put to the sidelines. 

And now I have decisions to make. Am I going to keep running away and find a job overseas or am I going to stay at home and 'put down roots'? 

Every fibre of my brain tells me to run away! 

So why am I crying finally seeing what's been on the sidelines? 

The problem is that I DO NOT KNOW! 

I WANT to keep running, but I know I SHOULD stop... 

This is EXACTLY why I hate making decisions! 

Come on universe.. send me a sign!!!! 

A bientôt

Version 2.0

Yesterday was my mother's birthday. Unfortunately due to a flood imposed lock down, I wasn't able to get her a Birthday present. She stayed home from work, because she wasn't feeling too well. We went to see a doctor, did some groceries, then went to her cousin's place for lunch. It was a rather unexceptional day, but somehow it left me feeling so happy and positive and full of life. Perhaps it was that i spent some quality time with my family, drawing energy from the unconditional love that flows through families. I honestly don't know. What i do know is that i felt good. So that night i had a conversation with my OSM, she was telling me how she felt lost and overwhelmed with her impending graduation and the start of a new era. I don't know how the conversation got there, but I came up with the idea to start 'pruning our hedges'. Do some gardening in the garden of our lives, our personalities. Rather than worry about the future, prepare ourselves for it. Shake off habits that we don't need and acquire those that we do. Become the version 2.0 of ourselves. She decided to quit smoking. I decided to get more organized. We both decided to stop 'hooking up'. Just a few changes. Just enough to make an impact on our lives. 

We spend so much time, worrying about the future and other people, and how other people see us that we don't realise that what is most important is OURSELVES. The way WE see ourselves. Rather than contemplate a future that is not even in existence, I think the best thing to do, is to BE your future. BE who we want to be in the future. And we don't wait till the 'future' to start working towards that. We don't have to have a job, a man, an appartment, a car to be WHO we want to be. 

I was so pumped up yesterday i could barely sleep. My OSM's grandfather told her that women tend to make plans but never actually act on them, and men on the other hand, act, even without the planning. I think there is a truth to this. I know that I have made many plans, plans that have only remained just that, plans. Nothing has come out of it. But this one, i believe WILL be actionable. I am certain of it. And I have start working on it from this morning! 

Let's see how it progresses. I'm very optimistic because I know that just in case I lag behind in my plan, i have my OSM to remind me, and vice versa. 

So here's to ME version 2.0! Let her be better, more effective and a whole lot more AWESOME! 

A bientôt

Home

I've been home for about a week now. What I love about it is that its been exactly the way I hoped it will be. I did nothing but relaxed, read and get pampered and fed without lifting a finger. Sometimes life is good when it's simple. I haven't really felt very social, despite friends asking me to meet up, I only gave in once to go see Iron man 2. And that too only because my brother was so intent on watching it, and I had promised him. Sometimes I withdraw into these anti social moods. It reminds me of the introvert inside me. It gives me perspective and allows me to focus on things more important than my social life. In the one week that I've been home, I think I've made quite a bit of progress in the job-search. Nothing conclusive, but I haven't really been trying hard enough. I think i need some time to take the edge off the last month. All that studying and partying really tired me. I need to get over that physical and mental exhaustion and be really ready for the next step in my life. It's going to be nice to go to my grandparent's house next week. A week away from the city, in the countryside, in their big beautiful house... I'm going to cook for them. Not the usual traditional food they're used to, but some 'continental' recipe's that I'm more familiar with. It'll be lovely to spend more than a weekend with them. Family just gives you an energy that other people don't seem to be able to. Except maybe my best friends. But since I can't be with them. Family is what I've got here and now. 

I've been thinking about my friend. I never did tell him how I felt. But I think it's better this way. I miss him. But I'll get used to it. We weren't meant to be. No point pondering what might have been. Unfortunately, the lack of anything else to distract me, I've been pondering it anyway. Oh well, soon, life will catch up and I will have more important things to think about. 

Since I'm back home, I think I'll go on a sex fast. I've realised that my list of notches on the bedpost have been slowly increasing. And I'm not quite sure I'm very happy about it. I can't say I'm wildly promiscuous. But for someone who's almost 24, and hasn't been sexually active for all too long, my numbers don't make me look much like a nun! So maybe a few weeks/months of celibacy will do me good... Maybe wait for something worthwhile. 

Ahh i know I say that many times and never stick to it. But maybe this time i will. There's nothing wrong with some wishful thinking! =) 

A bientot

Last Days..

It's my last few days here...

I have an exam tomorrow. My last exam hopefully for a while... I'm not prepared half as well as I should be. On top of that I'm SICK! Not extremely but I'm pretty sure i have a slight fever and well, I LOOK sick! I look pale and my eyes are dull.. I hate looking at myself in the mirror when I look at that, worse perhaps than actually feeling like it. I know I should try hard since it's probably the final hurdle of my Masters. But I feel exhausted! And i'm finally starting to realise that I'm leaving in a few days. Partings ways with all the amazing people I met here. I'm going to miss all of them, especially a certain friend who has NO idea how I feel about him. I adore him, I like him more than a friend, but well, I guess he'll never know and now is not the time for confessions. Maybe in a few years I'll tell him and we'll laugh about it. 

But right now, it's not just about him. It's about me. About where I am in life... Something I haven't been able to get myself to think about, something I've been DREADING thinking about. They say life is full of possibilities, but nobody ever says how HARD it is to deal with so many possibilities. How painful it is to choose! I've never been good at deciding things. Life seemed to just decide things for me... things always flowed, at least education and career-wise. As to men, well, I guess I'm still now ready for commitment. I thought I wanted something stable and loving. But more I think of it... less I believe it's for me. Oh well, I don't know where the currents in this river of life are going to take me next. I guess I'll just have to cross my fingers and hope I don't hit any hidden rocks. 

I should get back to revising now. 

A bientôt

The grey sky rumbling, forewarning of the storm to come

The swallows pushed around by the winds, losing control of their flight

The drops of rain on the dry skin like pin pricks reminding that this is not a dream

The throbbing sensation overwhelming the mind, the head, can't keep up

Life, death, nothing but reality

Can't keep up

Emotions run asunder, no control

Can't keep up

Control, no control

Life

Can't keep up

Tous des cons!

This has been something me and my best friend have been saying for a long time - they're all assholes. By 'they' we obviously mean BOYS (of all ages!). It started out as venting out frustrations about respective boyfriends. Then we just realised be it boyfriends, fathers, brothers, friends, strangers, they're all assholes. I used to say that my ex was an asshole that I love. But an asshole nonetheless. 

I was reminded of this because last weekend I ran into one such asshole, in all his glory. Actually, he was the first guy I thought was cute this semester when I saw him at the first party of the year. I asked for his number, and texted a bit but he didn't seem too interested and i found out he had a girlfriend back in Switzerland so I just gave up. Anyhow, a few weeks ago i noticed him flirting with me, but i was too into my guy friend at the time so didn't pay much attention to him. But on Saturday I was out on a whim with only my flatmate and bumped into him. Again he was very flirty. I knew for a fact that his girlfriend had been to visit not more than a month ago. But after a dozen or so drinks i didn't care. He was cute, I was drunk, I'd been 'good' for more than a month, so I gave into temptation. The next morning as I groggily opened my eyes to find him next to me, I realised I didn't really like him anymore. I was merely happy I had gotten what I wanted that first party of the year. 

And then I remembered his girlfriend. Now, he's not the first guy I've been with who i knew was in a relationship. Initially I used to feel guilty about it. But now i feel like it is not I who have to feel guilty but them. I didn't force them into a romp with me. On the contrary, the pleasure was almost all theirs. 

However, it does make them total ASSHOLES! 

I've known what it's like to be cheated on. I've known what it's like to have someone many thousand miles away who betrayed my love. I've also known what it's like to be the one betraying love. I was hurt by the former and I've felt guilty of the latter. Both are feelings that I would rather not go through again, and those that I wouldn't wish on anyone else. But it still doesn't make me regret sleeping with the very cute blue eyes blondie on Saturday! :) 

Maybe that makes me as much of an asshole as the guys I slander with my best friend. It doesn't matter. We all know that guys can never keep it in their pants! 

On a different tone, despite the fact that boys are such assholes, I know that I miss being close to one, sharing things, letting myself trust and having sex that actually means something. I know it doesn't come just because I want it. But at least now I feel more open to the idea. I don't deny that it scares me. But I'd like to feel that. I'd like to take that risk again. 

Like a very good friend once said to me; love is like the wind, you don't feel it when you run after it. But when you stop, you will feel it all around you. 

A bientôt

The neverending script

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm doing the right thing. Whether I truly am supposed to be a lawyer. Maybe I'm pursuing the wrong career. I've always wanted to write. Ever since I was a child I have had a fascination for stories. I was a bookworm and as a grew older my love for reading grew. My love for stories lead me down the eventual path of writing them myself. I've written poetry, prose, short stories and I've even started writing a novel (which i never finished and is now buried somewhere with my old diaries). 

I know that I'm good at telling stories. I love it. People who listen to them love hearing me. It might be racy stories about my sexcapades or fantasy about elves and goblins for my kid cousins. It's never been about what kind of story, but about telling something that is close to me. Stories come from what you experience. They might be something you've experienced first hand, or something a friend or an acquaintance has gone through. But the best stories come from your imagination. You're imagination takes your experiences, anything that has gone through your mind, that your eyes have seen, your senses have felt, and processes them and churns out stories that can range from utterly ridiculous to supremely profound. 

I suppose the best kind of stories are the ones that you lived. Shakespeare said that all the world's a stage and we are merely actors. I think that each actor is also his own playwrite. He can try his best to memorize his dialogue but the one sure thing is that he can never be one hundred percent certain what the other actor might say. So the play of life is a constant improvisation. Sometimes you're tempted to write little skits imagining what the other actor or actors might say. I know I do it all the time. I enjoy these little stories that I have in my head. Sometimes they include people around me, in circumstances that might be possible. Then sometimes they include people i might never meet and circumstances i hope will never happen. Either way I love those stories. Some could go on for weeks, some only last a few days. But the common thread in these stories is me. Because I can put myself in circumstances that I can only dream about, in opportunities that I wish were real, and those which i'm too scared to make true. 

When i was younger my mom used to say i lived in a dream world. She would catch me staring out into nothingness, oblivious to whatever she might be saying. I am much more conscious these days about my day dreaming, and my acting talents have only improved with age. But my mother was right. I did live in a dream world, and i still do. But the extent to which i live there, the duration, the intensity depends on what my real life is at that moment. Right now, my real life feels tedious and boring. So I retreat further and further into my dreamworld. The down side to this is that further i go, more i leave behind those in the real world. I isolate myself in my day dreams pushing away all human contact. 

Most who have met me think I'm very extroverted. Little do they know how much of an introvert I am... 

However i do crave company. Yet it's always hard to do something about it. Because it's oh so comfortable in the dream world. Everything i want to hear, want to feel, want to have, is there. 

I could go on about this for a very long time. 

Unfortunately, 40% of my grade depends on the paper I have to submit tomorrow. How I wish I could make up a story about Competition Law! 

A bientôt

A friend like me...

I always come back to this blog when I'm not feeling very well. It's very cathartic to write down your emotions in black and white. In this case, red and white! Its easier to understand what exactly you are feeling, the how and the why, and what you can do to change it when its in front of you as plain as day. I've been doing this for a long time now. I still write in my journal. Admittedly not as often as i used to. But this blog is like a journal to me. One that is public yet private because of the veil of anonymity. 

I have been feeling very lonely recently. Maybe I'm missing my family. Maybe I'm being hormonal because it's that time of the month. Maybe I'm just feeling lonely because I am alone. 

What is really bothering me these days is that I like a friend in a more than friendly way. There's always been something, from the beginning of our friendship. And I have dismissed it several times because I didn't want to cross a line. But it's never been this strong. When I'm with him, I feel like myself. I feel like I don't have to pretend. The irony is that I DO pretend. I pretend to just be his friend. 

Last night would have been a perfect opportunity to tell him about my feelings. But i didn't. I was drunk as a fish which would have been an ideal excuse. But I didn't! I was all over him, despite other guys flirting and dancing with me, i kept going back to him. I was jealous when he was flirting with other girls. Then somehow i ended up going home with some other guy! I know it's because of my self preservation mechanism. I'd rather be with some random guy i couldn't care less about than admit to feelings about someone i DO care about. Because i'm scared. I'm scared he doesn't reciprocate. I'm scared because we're going to separate in a few months and i'm scared to lose a good friend. 

For someone who's so cocky and confident, i'm such a chicken! 

I know there's only one thing i can do.

Just keep on pretending. Because my walls are stronger than even the strongest drink. And I will never be able to look at him and tell it sober. What's the point anyway? I'd rather like him and never know what he feels than be disappointed. There go my walls! Self preservation just comes naturally. 

I just have to enjoy my solitude. Focus on what is most important right now; my education. 

Speaking of. I need to go to the library. 

A bientôt surement

UPDATE: I just realised that friendship is far more important than anything we might have in the few months that we have left. And my rule of never sleeping with friends isn't something I should break. Some rules aren't meant to be broken. I'll get over him. There'll be others...  :)

Hé Ho! What's going on here?

Although i haven't been posting for the past couple of months I've been coming to my blog almost every other day to check out my list of guilty pleasures... But today i was feeling nostalgic and i started rereading some of my old posts and lo and behold what do i see? People commenting??? Following me?? 

Took me a while to wrap my head around it! If you've been reading then you'll know that i decided to stop posting and the last 2 posts were basically last resort actions to allow me to sort things out in my head. 

Anyhow thank you for the lovely comments. I can't say I'll start writing again. Although MANY things have happened, and many things and guys have been done since last october... 

However I will update on the last 2 guys i blogged about. The french guy was a complete douche, I saw him a few times when i was out, even had the nerve to come say hi once. But that's it. I move on fast if you haven't noticed. 

The Danish DJ. Well things didn't stop there. He never got in touch with me because he has his own issues. He apologized when i confronted him about it, and i think he was sincere. And obviously I had a few amazing nights with him before we said good bye before christmas break. But little did i know that i would see him again... The night he flew back to denmark last january i saw him, we met up for Shisha, made out, talked about his travels over christmas. He's actually a nice guy. Obviously we were both very frustrated that we couldn't do what we do best together... But it was a nice last chapter to that story. 

Right now i've decided to take a break from my wild ways, because to be honest, I'M BORED of it! I don't want anything serious, neither do i want something mindless. My friends who've heard me say this before just roll their eyes and say "whatever you say"... We'll see how long it lasts. 

A bientôt peut être...

Letting it out...

It's been a pretty stressful month, but also very eventful and fun. Take home exams, parties, research papers... It seems like i never have any time to relax. Only thing is, all i DO is relax. I've been procrastinating like a mofo and i need to stop. This week is crucial and i can't been to concentrate because of last weekend's activities. So i'm going to put an end to the blogging hiatus i've been having cuz i need to let out all these thoughts that have been floating/storming around in my head! 

First of all, about the Danish DJ. 

He's really something that started out as a pet project with only one possible outcome. And that happened. As usual, i got what i wanted. But somehow it feels like something is missing. And what's missing is any kind of contact from him. it's been 4,5 days already and no contact whatsoever, and worst of all, when he SAW me yesterday he made no effort whatsoever to come and talk to me. And yesterday was horrible for me because of something that HE provoked! So seeing him wasn't what i wanted. I'm itching to send him a scathing email or text but i'm retaining myself because i know that he's not even worth it. I never expect much from guys like that, guys who i only want one thing from. But the least one can do is to send a follow-up call or something. I guess i'm so annoyed because i thought he was somewhat different. Oh well. No point getting my knickers in a knot for him (if i ever find the ones i left at his place!) 

And then the French guy 

Now i thought it was too good to be true how sweet and affectionate he was. Barely any contact, and whatever little there was was initiated by me. So I guess I shouldn't have any hopes for him either. It's a pity cause i thought he had potential... Oh well. I suppose I'm all conflicted in my head with these two guys because they both disappointed me one way or another and i feel that it's unfair. 

But i really shouldn't let this affect my concentration. I'm here for one thing and one thing only. To succeed in my masters. I can't let them prevent me from doing that. 

Wow that feels better :) Its' always nice to put things in black and white. Makes it easier to understand and sort things out. 

And now to do some actual work. 

The booty call!

Now i know i said i'm not going to write on this blog any more. But this particular anecdote cannot be left unsaid.

It was a typical Monday. I was bored and tired of the week already! I was wondering what I could do to entertain myself without going out. And then it came to me. What about a late night booty call? I knew just the person. He lived in the same appartment, just a few floors below me (how appropriate). So I send off a subtly clear text saying "i'd lost my 'umbrella' and would like to know if he had it" wink wink! Now when it comes to booty calls, I usually go for those that I've already tested, and the last time I tested this one, he had come to return my umbrella that he had borrowed earlier on. Hence the metaphore. Unfortunaly, depite having a very pretty face to cover it, his head seems to lack some filling. And he replies saying he's looked for my umbrella everywhere but can't seem to find it, maybe i should buy a new one!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Now, when I wanted entertainment tonight, this wasn't what I was expecting, but I was entertained alright! I was laughing non stop for quite a while!!!! Poor pretty boy!

So I sent him a message making my intentions very clear! And lo and behold the little idiot replies saying he's "not in a position to fulfill my wishes right now, but he is more than willing to provide another 'umbrella' to take his place!"!!!! The NERVE!!! Not only is he dumb, he actually tried to pimp his friends to me. Oh well, at least I know that I bumped his ego down a few notches by making fun of his little misunderstanding! Obviously his suggestion deserves no response. I only ask for umbrellas that I've already opened up, and know will perform satisfactorily.

So that's the story of my booty call incident!

C'est tout!